AIBU to step back after a long-term friend slowly ghosted me?

[FriendInLimbo]

Bit of a long one but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I’ve fallen out with a friend of 10+ years and I’m really struggling with it. We used to talk every day and see each other all the time, then out of nowhere she just stopped replying. No explanation, nothing.

I reached out a few times because I was worried and missed her. Eventually she came back saying she’d been going through stuff and didn’t want to explain, which I do understand to a point. But she also said I’d been a bad friend, pressuring her and basically making her feel worse.

That genuinely shocked me because that wasn’t my intention at all. I was trying to check in and keep the friendship going. I’ll admit I got upset and said something like she’d “dropped me like a sack of shit”, which probably didn’t help, but it came from hurt more than anything.

What I’m struggling with is that she completely shut me out for months, ignored messages (but opened them), didn’t even acknowledge my birthday, and now seems to think I’m the problem. I also feel like she’s put words in my mouth and accused me of things I didn’t actually say.

She hasn’t blocked me or fully cut me off, which makes it harder because I don’t know if she wants the friendship or not. It just feels like I’m being kept at arm’s length.

I don’t want to lose the friendship, but I also don’t think I’ve done anything that warrants being treated like this. At the same time, I don’t want to keep chasing someone who clearly isn’t meeting me halfway.

Would you leave it now and step back, or try again down the line? And has anyone dealt with this kind of “slow ghosting” from a long-term friend?

AIBU to feel like I’ve been treated unfairly here?

Ooh yeah time to let it go OP. It’s sad and I think your friend’s behaviour is also something I couldn’t forgive. What kind of friend is she being to you? She obviously isn’t interested in how you are?

I agree with poster who said delete from social media. I had someone not reply to me for 3 months so decided to delete .I only have friends on my SM accounts as it is photos of my kid etc and found it weird that someone who has ghosted me was still looking at my photos. Weirdly she got in touch with me a few days after I’d deleted her, but by that point I’d decided I didn’t want this person in my life anymore. I think ghosting is a really unfair thing to do to someone.

I'd launch her in the nearest bin tbh. Friendship over

I didn’t even see the message that was deleted.

OP, I can’t believe the responses you’ve had. You sound like a good friend bewildered by a friend’s inexplicable behaviour.

There was a fascinating thread here a couple of years ago by an OP who was ignored by her friend of 40/50 years. It took the OP a year to find out the reason why she was being given the cold shoulder and it was completely bat shit. I can try and find the thread if it will help you.

I suspect yours will be the same, and the reason your ‘friend’ hasn’t blocked you is because she likes keeping you dangling om a hook.

in your shoes, I would block her everywhere but if that feels too final, delete her number, all her messages, change your settings on WhatsApp so she can’t see your status updates, block her on Facebook or any other social media.

And no more birthday or Christmas cards.

OP, I think you’ll find this thread helpful.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5160981-to-worry-about-oldest-friend-barely-any-contact-from-her-for-9-months?postsby=EmeraldDreams73

I'd let this one go OP, it's really hard but she's kept you at arms length and is still doing so. Doesn't sound like it's a great friendship for you. Don't say anything, just let it slow fade.

I literally couldn't agree with you more on this. Exactly how I feel and I've let two friendships go in the last few years over this exact behaviour. Had to protect myself as it upset me so much.

I’m always really interested in these type of threads because there are always the people who say “tell her straight that you don’t want to be friends” and the others who say “a slow fade is best”. What’s the right answer for the dumper or the dumpee?

Tricky one isn't it! I've always thought slow fade after seeing another friend do the big statement option to another mutual friend and now hurtful that was at the time, they then tried to back track and it was cringe

@FriendInLimbo please ignore some of the really cruel responses you’ve had here, some people clearly like just putting the boot in.

5 messages over 3 months, and a card & Easter Egg for someone you’ve been best friends with for years is absolutely not stalking or over the top, particularly if she’s given you no indication that she needs space. Indeed given that she’s had MH episodes before, I think checking in with her is kind and appropriate.

She’s a grown adult and should have had the common decency to message you and say she needs some space. I think she’s behaved badly here.

That said I think the ball is firmly in her court. I would not contact her again. I maybe wouldn’t go as far as deleting her on socials and blocking her number, but if she wants to rekindle the friendship in future then she should be the one to put the effort in. You shouldn’t chase this any more.

How on earth is @pepperminticecream breaking Mumsnet rules? Your language towards the OP and to @pepperminticecream has been consistently rude and aggressive with a gleeful mocking tone that is totally inappropriate.

Also, you have accused OP of reporting your post but Mumsnet doesn't tell posters who has reported them so you are just making an assumption with no evidence that OP has reported you.

I think overall the least painful way for a friendship to end is a gradual drift (which is normally mutual) - just a slow down in communication and seeing each other and eventually it tails off without any formal end to the friendship.

If the two options are between ghosting someone (which is not a slow fade, it’s just dropping someone without telling them) and an explanation that you don’t want to be friends anymore, then the latter is more upsetting in the moment but kinder in the long run as you’re not leaving someone wondering what’s happened over months on end.

Thank you 🥰

@paintedpanda I think it depends on the friendship. If it’s someone you talk to daily/weekly then a slow fade out is still going to be confusing and hurtful. In that situation if I didn’t want an honest conversation then I would tell them that I am dealing with somethings privately/have a lot going on and that I won’t be as responsive or need space for a bit. It leaves the door open for a less consuming friendship.

Even if someone had done something hurtful to me I would still explain but firmly end the friendship.

Same! I think younger me would probably allow it but 40s me feels pretty ruthless about these things now. I don’t want people in my life who show so little consideration. And as pp said- they can have friends who are happy to be picked up and dropped. Win/win

Dear OP, please ignore all the unkind posters. I can feel how hurtful they are, and truly, it is their problem, nothing to do with you. No explanation will get through to them, as they have decided to rewrite your story. You come across as eminently kind, reasonable, and measured, like a wonderful friend.

As for your original friend, she sounds like she is not thinking or seeing clearly, probably because of her mental health. Some people cope with difficulty by throwing everything away, perhaps because holding on to the past forces them to see themselves, and interferes with their coping mechanism of turning away. Did your friend have a pattern of dumping people, jobs, ways of life, belongings, or philosophies? It is very sad that this is what she has done to you, but it is not your fault, and it is also not understandable, as it doesn't make sense.

Losing a friend is something that can be more painful than a romantic breakup; the trust and understanding one has with an old friend often surpasses the trust and understanding of other relationships. When such a friend dumps you, you doubt yourself in a very deep way, as the person has no reason to do this (unlike the boyfriend who wants to get together with someone else, so has to separate from you). Also, the person who is ditching you really knew the true you, so when the true you is not worth holding onto, it hurts like hell.

There is no acknowledged way of coping with friendship loss in our society, of salving the painful wound left by such a breakup. People don't know what to say or how to understand such a thing, and often don't understand how painful it is.

I am sorry you are going through this- you sound loyal, sensitive, and generous. Maybe in a few years things will change again, and if you still value her, you can form a new friendship with her.

Thank you so much 🩷 x

I read this earlier, just haven’t had a chance to reply, it’s so bizzare isn’t it but incredibly helpful, thank you again x

Thank you so much 🩷 x

I think after all this, I would rather the final “we are not friends anymore” than the not knowing what is going on, exactly as you said ❤️

I’d let it go.

And yes I know it hurts - I was cut off by someone who I regarded as one of my very closest friends from around age 14 to age 35ish.

Step back.

I dont think you've done anything wrong and I think it must be absolutely bewildering if someone ends a friendship and doesn't explain why (people aren't psychic!) Inevitably the other person reaches out in a state of concern and confusion only to be told their attention is unwelcome and it compounds the hostility. It's crap for everyone.

But just step back now. Focus on your other friendships. Silently wish her well in your heart and leave this friendship to drift out into the universe.

I agree and I’m so sorry you got dragged into this, thank you for your support 🩷 x

Very true!