AIBU to step back after a long-term friend slowly ghosted me?

[FriendInLimbo]

Bit of a long one but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I’ve fallen out with a friend of 10+ years and I’m really struggling with it. We used to talk every day and see each other all the time, then out of nowhere she just stopped replying. No explanation, nothing.

I reached out a few times because I was worried and missed her. Eventually she came back saying she’d been going through stuff and didn’t want to explain, which I do understand to a point. But she also said I’d been a bad friend, pressuring her and basically making her feel worse.

That genuinely shocked me because that wasn’t my intention at all. I was trying to check in and keep the friendship going. I’ll admit I got upset and said something like she’d “dropped me like a sack of shit”, which probably didn’t help, but it came from hurt more than anything.

What I’m struggling with is that she completely shut me out for months, ignored messages (but opened them), didn’t even acknowledge my birthday, and now seems to think I’m the problem. I also feel like she’s put words in my mouth and accused me of things I didn’t actually say.

She hasn’t blocked me or fully cut me off, which makes it harder because I don’t know if she wants the friendship or not. It just feels like I’m being kept at arm’s length.

I don’t want to lose the friendship, but I also don’t think I’ve done anything that warrants being treated like this. At the same time, I don’t want to keep chasing someone who clearly isn’t meeting me halfway.

Would you leave it now and step back, or try again down the line? And has anyone dealt with this kind of “slow ghosting” from a long-term friend?

AIBU to feel like I’ve been treated unfairly here?

Spot on. It’s awkward, uncomfortable and icky

OMG don’t do this.

How many times does someone need to tell you to leave them alone before you finally get the hint?

It’s not ‘good to talk’ if someone doesn’t want to talk to you!

No, it doesn’t feel nice when someone drops you - but continuing to hound them with ‘I miss you’ messages after they have specifically asked you to back off won’t make them inclined to be any nicer to you!

It really astounds me that people don’t get this.

"I don’t want to lose the friendship, "

Too late - it's long gone.

Personally I would block her from contacting you; because leaving the channels open will, I fear, lead you to hope she will contact you. She won't. Taking the action of blocking her will draw a line under it all for you. I think that would be better for your mental health.

I was slow ghosted and it absolutely sucks - thinking But We’re Friends Aren’t We? Until one day it was clear we weren’t - second guessing everything you say and thinking you’re going mad because you’re still getting crumbs, it’s absolutely shite @FriendInLimbo

OP having experienced something similar I think some of the messages here you’re receiving are harsh.

if you have had a decade long friendship, including periods of daily contact I wouldn’t think the number of messages and the Easter egg scenario you describe is OTT.

particularly because for some people when they are going through something they may appreciate a friend checking in even if they can’t really spend time together or respond meaningfully.

In my case it was more of a fast ghosting rather than a slow one - multiple daily messages going to fortnightly - I stepped back but after a few months sensed something else was maybe going on so suggested meeting up to see if everything was ok. Was told the friendship was over with no explanation (and to me it felt like things had only really shifted over 1.5-2 months). At least I got that certainty of where I stood but it didn’t make it less painful.

i did one final message suggesting rather than a total ending perhaps we could check back in a couple of months, which she agreed to very lukewarmly but felt I shouldn’t be the one to reach out first after that and she never did, which I knew deep down would be the case.

part of me wonders if we had ghosted out whether it wouldn’t have felt so sad, or whether she would have popped up to resume some sort of friendship (perhaps not so close but still something) after a few months. But I can’t really regret my trying to talk about noticing distance as I feel it would have driven me crazy wondering whether to message or not and how often etc if we were in some sort of unsure if I’ve been ghosted/dropped phase…!

in your case seeing as your friend has said she’s felt pressured I think you will have to step back and not message or keep in touch. If she values the friendship she’ll reach out in future. And if not, you reaching out first is not going to change anything and make you feel anxious waiting for a reply and double guessing if it was that final message that tipped her over the edge if she never replies.

my tip is I would remove from social media so you’re not seeing updates (whilst some people think this is hostile if I’m not friends with her I’m not interested in her life anymore and like the Marie Kondo philosophy it does not spark joy so I just unfollow/unfriend). And you just have to try and move on. Maybe you could have done things differently but you can’t go back in time and friendships have to be mutual anyway.

and for those of you on here giving comments of “can’t OP take a hint I’ve wanted to drop people and it’s annoying when they don’t get the message” - I think you need to think about whether you could have behaved in a kinder way. You don’t owe anyone your friendship and time but if someone has reached out a few times I think it’s not much time and effort to send a message being honest and explaining (which can be done without being unkind). So either tell them the truth and give them an explanation or just make up some crap excuse about how you’re too busy/not in the right place for friendship to save them their time and hurt.

A sound and refreshing post! To decide to end a friendship but not bother to tell the other person and then attack the other person for trying to figure out what’s going on is appalling behaviour for a grownup. Ending a friendship is difficult but as grownups we need to have the ability to communicate difficult things in a mature and respectful way.

OP, your former friend should have reached out to tell you that she wanted space. She is covered in red flags for disappearing and then going after you for checking in on her. She does not seem like someone capable of maintaining a healthy and mature friendship.

Just let her be.
She's made her position clear.

I think the sack of shit comment can’t be recovered from. I understand why you said it, but you did say it and whatever your justification to yourself, it wasn’t a friendly thing to say.

This friendship has reached the end of the line, sadly.

Thank you so much, that’s exactly it 💔

Thank you so much, your kind words mean so much right now 🩷 x

Thank you! 🩷 x

I wouldn't have contacted her again after she'd said she felt pressured. I would have been mortified that my checking in on her, when she'd previously needed a lot of support, was now seen as some kind of harrassment. I would also have been pretty cross so I understand your "sack of shit" comment. Some people do just use you sadly. You haven't done anything wrong but you need to leave it now.

From what youve said i dont think youve harassed her.

Yes she could have a lot going on mental illness or an undisclosed physical illness but she wasnt kind at all to you to not say she needed space from the start and now to lash out at you.

It could simply be that she doesnt need you anymore! I had similar with a long term friend who cried on my shoulder and who i helped through deep depression. When time passed and she moved on with her life she also moved on from me and wasnt there when i then had problems. Embarrassment or selfishness i dont know and never will.

Your friend has said shes going through something but hadnt once considered that you might also be going through something that you need her for. This is a friend to create distance with.

I do think some if the responses on here are off though. How is it weird to message multiple times per day? Isn’t that just how an ongoing conversation works over text? Looking over my WhatsApp and messenger I have several people I go through phases of chatting with. Isn’t that what messaging apps are for?

I’ve had one particular friend for over a decade. There are times one of the other of us pulls back a bit for a while, then times when we’re in an involved supportive conversation with dozens of messages in a day adding up to one conversation. That’s just how a friendship works, surely?

I agree. It’s cruel to do that to someone you’ve been so close to. Of course it’s going to send the other person into a void of “what did I do?” and try to reach out.

I’ve had this done to me. I picked up the cue fast but I spent months absolutely devastated and questioning everything. Whilst I just did not contact her, I can understand why someone in a similar situation would. There’s no closure. No answers. It’s shit.

Your continued posts bashing the OP are far more needy and harassing than the OP has been to her former friend in the FIVE messages she sent checking in over multiple months.

If you can’t understand why someone would be concerned about a close friend who they were speaking to daily and who also has a history of mental health issues, suddenly going dark with no warning then I’m not sure you lack the emotional intelligence of a good friend.

OPs former friend simply had to let OP know that she was fine and wanted space—-as any mature adult would do.

You were reported because your messages are unkind and break mumsnet rules and yet you are back again to double down on your unkindness and to try to hurt OP.

Your confidence in your assumptions about the OP are unwarranted and your perspective isn’t one that I’ll be joining in.

Since you’ve broken mumsnet posting rules, and continue to do so, I doubt the OP is the only one reporting your aggressive and unkind posts.

Op, I feel for you. This happened to
me. I was devastated, I didn’t know what I’d done. I messaged a few times but got no response so just gave up. Deleted her number and email address (we were not on SM) and got on with my life. I missed her though. Can’t say I didn’t because I did.

A couple of years later I saw a mutual friend who told me that my ex friend had dementia and was in a bad way. I learned last week she had died last Christmas. She was 65. So sad.

Pointing out your tone isn’t harassment. It’s accountability.

Wow