AIBU to step back after a long-term friend slowly ghosted me?

[FriendInLimbo]

Bit of a long one but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I’ve fallen out with a friend of 10+ years and I’m really struggling with it. We used to talk every day and see each other all the time, then out of nowhere she just stopped replying. No explanation, nothing.

I reached out a few times because I was worried and missed her. Eventually she came back saying she’d been going through stuff and didn’t want to explain, which I do understand to a point. But she also said I’d been a bad friend, pressuring her and basically making her feel worse.

That genuinely shocked me because that wasn’t my intention at all. I was trying to check in and keep the friendship going. I’ll admit I got upset and said something like she’d “dropped me like a sack of shit”, which probably didn’t help, but it came from hurt more than anything.

What I’m struggling with is that she completely shut me out for months, ignored messages (but opened them), didn’t even acknowledge my birthday, and now seems to think I’m the problem. I also feel like she’s put words in my mouth and accused me of things I didn’t actually say.

She hasn’t blocked me or fully cut me off, which makes it harder because I don’t know if she wants the friendship or not. It just feels like I’m being kept at arm’s length.

I don’t want to lose the friendship, but I also don’t think I’ve done anything that warrants being treated like this. At the same time, I don’t want to keep chasing someone who clearly isn’t meeting me halfway.

Would you leave it now and step back, or try again down the line? And has anyone dealt with this kind of “slow ghosting” from a long-term friend?

AIBU to feel like I’ve been treated unfairly here?

Did you leave the Easter egg on her doorstep? I would find that a bit much, deliberately going to her home, in the circs

We used to leave things on each other’s doorsteps all the time, so it really shouldn’t have been a big deal

Just leave her alone. She obviously does not want the close relationship you had before. The fact you went to her house and left an egg despite her telling you she felt pressured was out of order. Take the hint and let her go.

You used to text eachother “multiple times a day” ?! That is A Lot.

She pulled back from that to a more sustainable level.

You accused her of “dropping me like a sack of shit”.

Cue she pedalled away from your intensity even more.

You proceeded to follow this angry tirade up with 5 texts, 5 snaps of cats, and an Easter egg left on her doorstep.

Leave this poor woman alone. She’s made it repeatedly and increasingly clear she does not want a “texting multiple times a day” kind of friendship with you. Very few people would welcome that level of intensity.

Do you struggle with neediness / boundaries / interpersonal dynamics? If so, DBT might be helpful

Sounds like you’ve decided to let things drop now but, fwiw, I would send one last message saying you’ve been thinking about her and now realise that your messages, gifts etc perhaps have been feeling like harassment to her, and you’re really sorry. You should have taken the hints and accepted she needed space, and you regret making her feel stressed and pressured. You will stop now.
Then say that you loved your friendship with her and if she ever finds herself in a place where she’d like to be back in touch, you will be happy to hear from her.

THEN, leave it be.

Hard disagree. Having been in the friends shoes, she’ll be begging for contact to stop. It’s horrible feeling hounded. OP told the friend that she’d “dropped her like a sack of shit”. If someone talked to me like that I’d be hoping I never heard from them again.

There is nothing to leave. Its clear your 'friend' has already left this friendship. There is nothing left for you to leave or back away from. Move on.

I had this happen to me, no idea what I did or didn't do to cause it. I'm still sad about it 20 years later if I stop and think about it. It says more about them than me I think. Sometimes I wonder how it all panned out for them.

Pick your self respect up off the floor and ghost this bitch. You should not chase a friendship with someone who’s treated you like this.

I don't think it needs any more messages. That just feels even more like the OP is talking to herself and stringing things out. If she was going to take the hint, she'd have stopped already, so messaging yet again saying this is the opposite.

You can't "step back" from someone who has already walked away from you.

This is one of those cases where it would be very interesting to hear the other side of the story...

If somebody told me I had droped them "like a sack of shit", they would never hear from me again.

Did you often talk to her like that? Was it you instigating the "many times a day" interractions, mainly?

Take control and step away. I had a friend like this . She treated me very badly & when I called her out said she didn’t know if she could still be friends . I made it easy for her and walked away .
Sometimes things come to a natural end . This looks like one of those occasions

Friends can be for a season, a reason, or a lifetime.

i.e. not all friendships last forever. 10 years was a good run, but there's nothing to say that a 10 year friend has to be a lifetime friend.

I had a friend for 10 years, but whilst we used to have more in common, we're now really different (I've changed I think) and something switched so that I didn't want to speak with her anymore (even though she kept trying). Pretty sure she found it hurtful but I figured just slowly dialling back contact was better given that she actually hasn't 'done anything wrong'.

She's telling you quite clearly she doesn't want you in her life anymore. Sorry that it's hurtful to you. Accept it and focus on people who do want you.

It’s awful to be hounded by someone you’re trying to drop the rope with but they can’t take the hint. They’re usually the kind of people who would use any contact in order to attempt an explanation as to why you no longer want to see them as a green light to ramp up the pestering. I’ve had to do this. The person continued trying to contact me for around three years after our last meeting culminating in calls from a withheld (work) number. I’d seen what she’d done to others that had stepped away so I knew it was her. If she’d come and left an Easter egg and a card on my doorstep it’d have made me feel queasy.

Exactly. Horrible and even worse to be a pest

You do not respect her choice to dump the friendship, not at all. You have sent her multiple messages over months, pointedly refused to take the hint, sent her a cringey card and egg. You are acting like a spurned lover, if you were a man people would be telling you in spades this is creepy and entitled behaviour.

And after she made it clear she felt you were bugging the shit out of her, you came here to ask if you should continue harassing her.

The answer is no. Just leave her alone.

She only told me this yesterday, AFTER I had left the egg on Sunday. It was a last ditch attempt.

Let it go.
A friend I'd seen regularly ditched me (and a lot of other people) when she left her husband. She fairly quickly moved in with a new man. She got back in touch and after we'd seen each other a few times, we were were asked to dinner. We reciprocated, and they left with promises to invite us again. More silence. I tried with Christmas cards etc - not insistent or frequent, just a handful of times over a few years. Nothing.

I found out she'd split up with that man. I then got a friend request from her for a new FB account and thought, sod it, she's binned me twice, she's not going to be allowed to do it a third time.

Some people are very capable of just dropping friends, and IMHO they're not worth your worry.

I’d love to hear her side of the story too! I have absolutely never spoken to her like that, I was upset by her quite frankly horrible message and I reacted, which I outlined in my first post. We were very 50/50 but I most definitely wasn’t the one sending 20 minute voicenotes every other day and I WAS the one sitting at her house late at night consoling her because she asked me to.

Thank you to all the kind posters, and to all of you that suggest that I am some kind of stalker (or a man!), mine and her relationship was more like sisters, we thought very much alike, had brilliant fun together and genuinely liked each other, so I was only trying to be a supportive friend by checking in, as I said, I know she struggles with her mental health. I won’t contact her again.

I think she made it pretty clear when she said you were pressuring her. You need to leave her alone.

Yes, I was wondering about that too, DBT came to my mind as well.

And those are the texts and messages and unwanted gift/card she is admitting to.

I’m not a liar and do not need DBT thank you very much. You have been incredibly negative on this thread.