Aibu to think attitudes towards women who have left their husbands have not changed radically

[Ricecakes101]

Inspired by a thread bemoaning cultural attitudes of the 80s and how difficult it was for women to leave - true. But in my experience recent attitudes were awful.

I left my abusive husband 10 years ago when my children were young and I was stigmatised as a single mother by all the women at the school gate who had genuine concerns I would try it on with their husbands and so wanted me nowhere near. I was left out of social gatherings cliques and my children were not invited to parties. The few and I mean few people who were friends with me I will forever be grateful to.

I was treated in a mysogynistic and sexualised way by many many men I met in literally any capacity once they realised I was a single mum as someone they thought would be grateful for sex and attention - so disrespectful and gross. Very close friends did not believe he was capable of what he had done and implied it was my fault. These attitudes towards me were heartbreaking during a very painful time.

This honestly occurred over the 5 years I was single until I was in an established relationship with my new partner. I'm sure you'll all say well you must be a wanker then but I'm not sure that's completely true - I always had a thriving social life in my home town, with lots of friends from all contexts. I moved counties for exh work and left him due to abuse within 2 years so I had no established friend group around. Since being ina long term relationship since with a blokey bloke , guess what invites all back on the table, social life back on.

So for all of you saying -attitudes have changed - have a think about anyone you know who has actually left someone in clearly difficult circumstances and how you treat them - are you threatened, are you jealous, do you think they will be desperate for a shag, do you want to steer clear? As your it's your moment by moment actions and judgements that make up social attitudes. Rant over.

YANBU. I've been at the receiving end of this sort of crap too. I have a long, long list of lived experiences of being judged by men and other women!

Yep. The old ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’ mentality still persists for some people. Depressing.

OP this has struck a nerve. Three of my best friends are single moms and your words ring so true. I’ve seen my friends treated horribly by insecure women on multiple occasions and witnessed men behaving so badly around them because these pigs feel they can get away with it. The slow fade of friendships and social isolation is heart breaking. Especially sad because these women were supported and encouraged to leave damaging relationships (rightly), but then abandoned once baselessly deemed a threat to other’s marriage.

@MrsIcandothis that breaks my heart to hear. These kinds of attitudes are sheer discrimination and it's utterly unacceptable. How to challenge it? Why aren't more people horrified by it? It's just not ok to treat people like this.

YADNBU. I wouldn’t have believed it before I experienced it.

Invitations suddenly dried up, friends drifted, and there was overt suspicion if I ever had cause to message a man directly about eg child logistics etc.

*Edit to add, I also had the same as others where “friends” suddenly started telling me what a nice guy Ex was etc. I assume because I didn’t publicly state why we’d split (he’d stolen a lot of money from the DC). It was definitely seen as me making my own life difficult for little/no reason.

When I left my husband there was a spate of his younger brother and a friend of my ex's (both married) turning up to my flat to see if I needed any help by which I mean they were sniffing around to see if I'd be up for shagging them.

I don't really remember women being weird of shoving their married or coupled up status in my face, if they did I don't remember that. I ended up reconnecting with an old university friend quite quickly and we are now married so I was only single for a year or so. Right after my separation I took a job in a supermarket for a while and there was a younger guy working there who I thought was seeing if I was up for sex but he turned out to be very sincere but way too young for me.

Bronte fans should read "The Tenant of Wildfell Hall" to realise things haven't changed for a lot longer than they might have imagined

Ten years ago the same happened to me . As soon as the exh moved out, two of very close friends that I’d been seeing nearly daily , due to closeness of our DC , have disappeared- literally overnight.
They knew about the issues in my marriage (theirs weren’t any better). Their behaviour was shocking, an utter disgrace.
How can women be so unsympathetic, so unsupportive of each other, in the largely misogynistic society that favours men anyway, is beyond comprehension.

I was however extremely lucky with my wonderful immediate and extended family. They all knew my exh, it was a looooong marriage .
When it ended, my family were pleased: for years they witnessed my struggle to keep it all together for the sake of DC. My DSis said - I never understood how you ‘endured him’ for so long.
My mother said the divorce was the best thing that happened to me, and if I had any brain , that I wouldn’t bother with men ever again!
She was utterly disgusted when after 5 years of being single, I met a man, and had a loving relationship with.
Sometimes I think that my mum is a men hater 😂
But yes, the family was totally supportive , they were just brilliant.

Can totally relate to this.

In the 90s when I left my husband who was emotionally abusive a friend wrote to me and told me she could no longer talk to me as her husband was worried my attitude would rub off on her. Never heard from her again.

Interesting thread. When I read the title, I thought yabu, but having read the posts and thought about it a bit more, I've definitely experienced some of this. In particular, I found that other women assumed it was me that had been left, and then proceeded to tell me how lovely my ex was though, once they found it was the other way round. I also found friends evaporated socially, but tbf I was quite unsociable myself during the aftermath of the split so I've always assumed it was my fault - but maybe I'm wrong about that. My loveliest friend has quite a dishy, tactile husband (though I'm not interested in him, or anyone else's DH for that matter) so I'm valuing her friendship all the more in the light of what pp are saying!

I left my first husband, after 20+ years. No abuse, I just wanted something different.

No one treated me any differently, so perhaps it depends on the people around you.

I does not depend on the people around you. Society judges.

All your posts are so saddening but also heartening as it's only when we see a pattern that whole groups can make meaningful change. I think the fears and stigmas around single mothers in general and of course single women in general mean everyone needs to take a long hard look at the way women internalise mysogyny and essentially attack vulnerable women by systemic relational rejection - it's a form of bullying, really, and it's just not ok.

I can’t say more of my friends are taken rather than single.

Though I can say I tend to avoid couple meets ups full stop as sadly after a few beers the men tend to feel the need to pass comments on my breasts so I’d rather just avoid the men full stop. I hate when I find out a friend’s husband is just a Pervy bastard makes things awkward.

Maybe that’s why it makes no difference to me.

God that is awful and so disappointing to hear you were treated that way @Ricecakes101 I’m so sorry you experienced that.

I was pushed out by a group following a negative abusive experience so I am not remotely shocked but it is such a horrible experience. Honestly though the older I get the more relieved I am that people behaved that way. It really helped to separate out the chaff from the wheat in my life and I am utterly blessed that there are still such amazing wonderful people in my life who didn’t choose that route.

I have noticed invitations to things are a bit couply and I don't tend to get included. I have had zero attention from men in the almost decade that I've been a single mum again. Unlike the first time round when I was in my 20s. Probably not a bad thing since I have no time for a relationship anyway. Other single mums are your best bet socially.

Ha yep. I got all of that - from my own mother! Lost friends because they thought that I’d be after their husbands (as if!) and fellow mums at the school gate telling me how wonderful my ex husband was doing the pick ups most days (well that’s cos he lost his job as he was a gambling addict and I was working two jobs trying to keep the girls and I going, pay the rent and also the debts that the fucker put in my name…but no he was the heroic dad who had no idea why his marriage broke up 🙄).

bitter? Moi?

It was my dad who was the most judgy. (His attitude was that I had failed - suggested I was too feminist.) I was possibly saved from judgment by my friends/school run etc, bc my exH openly had an affair. I wasn’t excluded by any other women, but I did end up with a string of (single) male friends who used to turn up at my home a lot - mostly for emotional support. It took me a while to realise that a single mother is a magnet for needy men who will drain your time and energy if you let them!!!

Yes, now I think about it, when I first considered leaving my ex, I was subjected to huge pressure to stay from everyone I tried to talk to about how I was feeling, which, understandably, was only close friends, my mum, my sister, all people you'd have thought would care more about my feelings than about 'how it would look'. It's not like I was talking about it with anyone who would stand still! My life would have been so much better if I'd left earlier, because he was controlling and abusive, but this was pre-MN for me, and I had such difficulty articulating how bad he was making me feel when superficially he was such a Nice Guy. I totally capitulated in the face of all the pressure. It took me another 15 years to leave. So I think it's true that people are much more comfortable when women are kept tethered to their men, however rubbish they are, but I can't decide if it's a society-wide thing or whether it's something women in particular do to other women.

I think its society wide, it just manifests in different ways. Generalising here, but most women probably don't have many male friends close enough to delve into their relationships, ask them probing questions to discover the whys and wherefores, and offer unsolicited advice, but probably have a fair few woman in their lives who would do this. So while 'society' doesn't like women leaving their husbands, its other women who deliver the message.
I think the male version of it would be the sympathy for the 'abandoned' husband, the bewilderment that Lee's missus has left him when he works all hours and his kids are his world. The speculation she might have another bloke on the go and so on. I've actually had this from my DP about one of his friends. He was shocked when my response was "I'm surprised its taken her so long".

Yeah, agreed, I was trying to think of any man I talked to in those terms, and there isn't one afaik. But I think women resort to arguments about how hard it would/might be to find anyone else, how tough it will be financially etc in a way that a man would be less inclined to do. I'm also wondering if the "he's a wonderful dad" tripe that we read so often here on relationship threads is a kind of internalised belief that actually comes from other women. Everyone seems to think that any husband who has ever changed a nappy or put their toddler on their shoulders is somehow better than average and should be clung on to at all costs.

I was relieved to meet other single mums when my daughter started school, although everyone was friendly. I did find when myself and my daughter took the caravan away women would clutch at their men when I rocked up 🤣🤣

I really think it depends on your surroundings. Single mothers were normal for me so I never experienced people stigmatising a woman for leaving her husband (generally speaking). The stigma was more aimed at women who procreated recklessly.

I do agree with you on married women often thinking all single women want their husbands.