AIBU to feel upset by a sexualised meme a friend shared?

[Frankie47]

As someone with body dysmorphia I struggle in a lot of ways that others don’t, so please be kind. Male friend shared a link to the attached meme where the joke is that the boy’s teacher was so “hot” that the father cut his son out of the photo. Lots of men had made leery comments on the photo too. Photo is heavily photo shopped but basically woman has large chest, tiny waist and long legs.

I know logically that this is an outdated stereotype, that real life attraction is far more nuanced, that other body types can be attractive and it’s personality that matters. However, my condition over rides my logical brain and now I feel more depressed about being flat chested and nearly fifty.

Please be kind, I just need help to try and get past this and find it funny, I don’t want him to think I don’t have a sense of humour or that I’m prudish. My knee jerk reaction is to say that I wish I had a body like that but this will be dismissed as silly and not really understood. I don’t want to look foolish but these images affect me quite deeply.

My reaction to receiving this would have been to be absolutely repulsed by the person who sent it. Do you really want to be friends with someone who has such a objectifying and demeaning view of women?

If you didn't know what your friend was like before you received this unfunny meme then I hope you will revise your decision to be friendly with him.
If you already knew what a misogynistic creep he is then please question your judgement in friends but not your body and looks: you are a real person and valuable as such.

Just to clarify I am female and the image has a large chest compared to me, I have a completely flat chest and it’s one of the issues I struggle with. It will sound like an over reaction to outsiders, so I do appreciate those who understand or to try to understand BDD. It was sent directly to me that is why I felt I had to acknowledge it and he has been a caring friend and someone I have confided in about my condition so perhaps that’s why it’s a little trickier to shrug off.

It must be hard to feel the way you do. I was going to say just don't comment as I'd assumed it was in a chat group.

So on a practical note if you want to reply and not show that it's upset you maybe find it 'funny', but not in the way he wants.

"Ha, ha, look at her weird arm, she can't be a teacher she wouldn't have the strength to take the register"

It's all very well for people on here to tell you he's repulsive, don't be friends. But real life isn't always that easy. I must admit I can't imagine any of my male friends sending that to me.

It's a rubbish joke and a very old one, and frankly most people under 80 stopped sending stuff like that in about 2001. I don't know anyone who would send anything like that these days.

However, I don't think other people can be expected to understand your body dysmorphia. It's a mental illness and in general, I don't think you can really be expected to be shielded from images of bodies you find upsetting.

However, I don't think other people can be expected to understand your body dysmorphia. It's a mental illness and in general, I don't think you can really be expected to be shielded from images of bodies you find upsetting.

This is very true OP ^^

You'll drive yourself mad if you expect others around you to understand it and act accordingly.

The world isn't like that so all you can do is try to change how you react to this sort of thing.

Which isn't easy considering you have body dysmorphia and are unable to get help.

Oh I don’t expect that at all, if you read my OP, I wanted help to get past it and see humour in it. I very much feel that that the onus is on me not on others and feel ashamed of how I react to these things. It has helped me that posters here have made me feel like I don’t have to find it hilarious at least, I put a lot of pressure on myself to react “normally”.

It wouldn't upset me OP. It's just another bunch of gormless men, thinking with their dicks. Just more sad losers. Not worth the head space.

What's for lunch? Are you planning to enjoy the sunshine this afternoon.

I’m not sure why he thought it was a good thing to send to you. Was it a group chat? I’m not really sure I’d want to be friends with someone who has such a crass and frankly shit sense of humour. However I wouldn’t bother getting into it because you’ll just get a lot of ‘calm down it’s just a joke’ bollocks.

You don’t have to see the humour in it. It’s a crap, old joke and you’re under no obligation to find it funny.

A more realistic and ultimately useful goal would be not o try and find it funny, but to get to a point where you can just roll your eyes at a bit of tedious boomer-humour, delete it without responding and move on. Honestly, by trying to focus on learning how to find it funny you’re giving it more attention than it deserves. Focus on learning how to not care.

It’s not funny. It’s demeaning to women and your friend is a pig.

Go to your GP, you can get help through the NHS for body dysmorphia.

Meh, it's just a joke (not particularly funny, mind you)
Basically it's clear that proud Dad is that busy gawking at the woman that he manages to chop out what he was supposed to be photographing in the first place, his son being presented with something.
Nearly 50 and flat chested too, I just gave it an eye roll 🙄😁
We're all different though - don't give it another thought. It's just a crap joke

He sent it directly to you? What a strange man!

I'll never understand why any man would think a woman would find this funny. It's just sleazy. Your friend has just outed himself as a creep.

Most women don’t have this body type, it’s natural structure and can’t really be recreated at the gym, you’d have to have surgery. She’s also very young and I suspect hasn’t had children. Don’t compare yourself to a woman who may have also been photoshopped, who knows. Also, it’s a stupid immature meme so just roll your eyes and move on.

I don't have body dysmorphia, I don't think it is very funny, I'm not offended or triggered, just not very amusing, old redone joke.

Personally I would not want to encourage more silly memes and so either a 🙄or ignore, and only message next when and what you were going to.

It is unfortunate that knowing your history this person has sent this body focused joke to you. I am not making excuses for them but I think someone who thinks this is funny probably doesn't have the wit to consider your reaction to it.

I personally don’t find it offensive and it wouldn’t upset me seeing that meme. Men find hot women attractive, that’s no secret! So I’d just see it as a joke.
Plenty of women however would be upset by it so you’re not alone in that. It might be your MH condition that makes you find it unfunny or you could just find it unfunny. Not everyone has to find the same things funny

OP, when I commented on the first page I hadn’t realised your friend had sent it to you directly.

Do you feel able to ignore it or do you feel as if you have to reply?

If it’s the latter, I would ignore the “joke” and just focus entirely on the bad photoshopping. Something along the lines of “oh my god, that’s such a bad edit isn’t it?! They’ve stretched her arms out so far they look like they’re going to snap!”

That way you are replying but not engaging with it in the way he intended.

Of course, you don’t need to reply at all. Or you could just tell him that you don’t find it funny. However in real life things are often more nuanced than here on MN and it’s a friendship you value, then this would be a good way to skim over it.

I have to say though, it’s a strange thing to send a female friend. What are your interactions usually like?

Please be kind, I just need help to try and get past this and find it funny, I don’t want him to think I don’t have a sense of humour or that I’m prudish. My knee jerk reaction is to say that I wish I had a body like that but this will be dismissed as silly and not really understood. I don’t want to look foolish but these images affect me quite deeply.

You don't need to find it funny, I don't! Why do you care if he finds you prudish, do you want him to be more than friends? If a friend sent me this I'd reply gross or whatever and wouldn't immediately think my friend thought I had no sense of humour.

He knows your struggles with your body and he still sent you this, he's not a nice man/friend.

You need to stop being so soft. You sound like one of those exhausting people who are traumatised and offended by everything. It’s a meme - if you don’t like it, tell the person not to send you things like that. Then move on with your day.

Your friend is a bit dim because the joke is on men. The fictional man was so distracted by the teacher’s body that he forgot all about his son. It’s saying that men are shallow and think with their dicks. Not sure why your male friend was sending a joke that made fun of men.

Your response is to feel upset that you look nothing like the cartoon image used to represent the stereotypical type of body that would attract a meathead man. It’s literally a cartoon. The same joke could have been made by eg saying the photo-taker was a Mum who cut her kid was cut out of a photo because she was focused on a cute dog, or a handbag or a plate of cream cakes. Or a Fat Dad who zoomed in on some chips, or a sporty Dad who got distracted by a footballer.

I have no body dysmorphia whatsoever and I would say there is nothing at all funny about that joke and in fact it's very childish and tasteless. It's not clever or witty, it's just gross. You are not required to find it funny because this man is a friend and I would question whether being friends with this man is good for you, regardless of whether he's done some good things in the past.

I honestly can't imagine any of my male friends sending this to me as they would be mortified by it. But if a good friend sent it, I'd probably respond 'Grow up' and leave it at that. If it wasn't such a close friend, I'd lose a lot of respect for them and would probably not want to get any closer to them.

Well done for recognising thst your body dysmorphia is responsible for your gut reaction and pausing to think about why it bothers you and what a socially acceptable reaction is. That's a really good thing.

In terms of what the socially acceptable reaction is, my view is that you put an eyeroll emoji on it and recognise that he is the sort of man that thinks its funny and decide whether he's the sort of friend you want.

But as a friend, you don't really get to lecture him, you just get to state a view and choose your friends accordingly

Make a cartoon version and you could sell it as a postcard except you’d have to go back to the 60s

The "normal" reaction here would be to tell him to stop being a knob and that you don't want to receive AI generated crap in future thanks. It definitely would not be normal to find it funny!

The meme pokes fun at men for not being able to think about anything but sex, and if anything is sad for the lady in it as she’s reduced to her looks and nothing more.

It anything I feel sorry for her, and for men that would empathise with this (and men that wouldn’t as they’re tarred with the same brush as I “got” the joke about stereotypical men).

There’s literally nothing in it that would make me feel bad for not looking like that woman.

Body dysmorphia aside, it’s probably worth interrogating why you place any value on how men see you and judge you physically, and why you place any worth on how you look.

I’d probably have given the meme a laughing face emoji and moved on with my life - you’re right your initial response of “I wish I had a body like that” wasn’t right to send, as I’d assume the point of the meme was nothing to do with you so that does sound a bit self centred.