To not send my 6yo to her dads when she doesn't want to go

[Northernlights19]

Hi all,

My 6.5yo has expressed she doesn't like to go to her dad's. She sees his parents take his older child to school and back every day (they beep and wave at us) and said he just plays the PlayStation with her brother and she's bored. Lots of other things too.

She's cried saying she doesn't want to go and it's getting to the point I don't want to force her to go somewhere she isn't happy. No court order in place and I don't think he'd care enough to get one. Can anyone advise what they would do?

Also I don't know what to think about this but she's told me there are "willy lollies" at his house on the table he got from a sweet shop but didn't buy her sweets from there, just got those and they're on display apparently.

He only seems bothered to see her to look good in front of his work friends.

I'd have one last shot at it.

1. A conversation with his parents. 'Your granddaughter is now old enough to notice the difference between how you treat her brother and how you treat her. What do you feel about that?
2. A conversation with him. 'You say it would make you "look like a shit dad if people find out she doesn't want to stay over". Well she doesn't want to stay over, because you just sit there on the Playstation with her brother and she's bored, and you feed her meals that you like but she doesn't. What are you going to change so that your daughter wants to spend time with you?

I don't expect these conversations will achieve anything - but they will allow you to feel that you have made every effort (unlike him and his parents). And from that point on, I would feel perfectly OK about not sending my daughter to be bored and badly fed.

If he looks like a shit dad to people, it's within his power to remedy that - he could stop actually being a shit dad.

A 6 year old is not mature enough to make this decision. In an ideal world you would hope her dad would foster her interests and enjoy activities with her but you don’t really know what goes on. Talk to her dad and explain how she feels.

You sound quite controlling. You don’t get to choose what your daughter does and eats while she is with her dad. You need to take a step back.

She doesn't sound controlling, she sounds like normal, caring lovely mother.

He doesn't give her her favourite meals because he doesn't like them, all food at his house is from the freezer or takeaway and she comes back hungry at times as she just doesn't like it. Give her something like an omelette, pasta, baked potato etc and she'll happily eat it but he won't.\

He however sounds like a selfish neglectful man child.

If Op's dd mentions those bizarre sweets at school, they may report this to social services, it's inappropriate and, at best, very ill judged.

I'd have to disagree on being called controlling tbh. I haven't once said I "should get to choose what she does or eats" at his. But I do feel she should be able to eat meals likes and meals which are good for her. I don't think that's controlling and I haven't told him what he should feed her or do with her either. I also feel that she should get to do some activities she enjoys sometimes with him, like go to the park or for a bike ride or even choose something to watch on netflix, not just sit there whilst he plays on the PlayStation with his brother. But I think any half good parent would want their child to be well fed and enjoy some activities, if you feel differently fair enough.

Thank you for your reply and your suggestion, I'll definitely try one more conversation with him and another with his parents, the way you've worded it has been very helpful, thank you.

Willy' sweets, - so what? You don't know why they had them & it really doesn't matter.

Of course it matters.

OP what sort of man was he? Why would he have these?

They're just sweets. Maybe he thought his other kids would find them funny. Maybe he was given them.

theyre stupid sweets, it really isn't a big deal, most 6 year olds would find them funny not alarming.

this one didn't, which is fine, but it doesn't make him some weirdo.

This does seem like a very good option.

i feel torn between not wanting her to be unhappy & making her go, but her not seeing him at all which she may regret in years to come seems like too big a choice to make at 6 when she can't know the long term consequences.

but he definitely needs to be asked those questions!

No, it's an adult themed object. It shows a lack of awareness and raises questions about his judgment and priorities. Adults are expected to keep adult themed items or humour separate from children. This crosses the line. The dad sounds pretty useless.

In your opinion. Weirdly enough we're all entitled to our own opinion & im not the only one who has days most 6 year olds would find them funny.

i wouldn't buy them for a 6 year old, but I wouldn't be remotely bothered if they saw them.

I can completely understand why you feel like you do but I think at her age it's really important that you encourage a good relationship with her dad.

She is too young to make those kind of decisions and as parents we have to do what is best for them, even if they don't seem happy about it. For example, if she said she didn't want to go to school again you (presumably) wouldn't agree as you know it's the right thing to do.

I agree a good relationship needs to be encouraged and I never speak negatively about him and I encourage her to spend time with him. It's just very hard to watch your child cry going somewhere they don't want to go.

It's also a very different situation from my oldests dad because his dad's family are absolutely amazing. His dad and I have a great relationship so it's completely different with my youngest.

I think you should try to improve things for both her and your futures.
There may come a time when you really appreciate your Ex having your DD for his agreed days. Childcare from her own father could free you up greatly in future.

Secondly, and more importantly, her family relationships are worth working for, and that means her dad and his parents. I hear your disappointment that they could all be doing a lot better, but please talk to them all about this, rather than allowing a 6 year old to diminish relationships that could be precious to her in future. A father who shows an interest is a valuable person in her life. My own children barely see their father and, while I appreciate the simplicity in some ways, I see how much they miss out on.

How about approaching it along the lines of "DD keeps saying she doesn't want to come because you just play games with her brother and she doesn't get the food she likes. But you're her dad and it's important that she sees you, and presumably we both want this to be good for you and her. I'm leaving the ball in your court to improve things for her, but if you want any pointers let me know. "

Let him? If she doesn't the court will

Doesn't seem like it would be spite if she tries to stop contact with him as posters are suggesting

Or maybe they were just sweepers that the 6 year thought looked liked willies

Childcare from him wouldn't make any difference as when he does see her it's on his schedule, his terms.

And I don't know how much more I could "work for" relationships with him or his family tbh. They don't show an interest and neither does he.

I have said she's hesitant to go to his house because of reasons already stated but his response has been "X (his older child) doesn't have a problem".

What's a sweeper?

I asked him about it today and he said they were penis shaped lollies he'd bought for a friend. I said I didn't think they were appropriate to be around a 6yo and he said he'll put things where he wants in his house and she shouldn't be speaking about his house to me.

It does make this father some weirdo.

"The court"...we're not in any kind of court case. Have you mixed up threads or posters?

I didn't know if I was overreacting about this but I wouldn't leave something like that where one of my children could see it so it feels strange to me that another adult would.

That is a bad answer from him, and he sounds extremely unpleasant.

I’d just message him and say she doesn’t want to go
if it’s making her miserable do not force her to go she will hate you for this in years to come. One of my daughters friends year 5 has this the mum makes her go and she is so miserable she even told me when she came to play she doesn’t like it there and it’s cruel to make them.
If he is bothered he will have to get a court order and then it’ll be battled out and a social worker will speak to her and a decision made moving forward.

This sounds a really tough situation for both you and your DD but I think it’s a better option to try and have some reasonable conversations with him (not in front of your daughter) about your / her concerns and then encourage her to go there, rather than just reduce the time. I get it must be horrible to send her upset but as others have said, she’s too young to really understand. Also, if you keep reducing his contact more and more then he won’t have the chance to get to know her and improve the relationship.

Unless there is an actual reason you snd ex should be a united front supporting the agreed timetable. My DC has preferred both of our places at different times, what will you do if in a year or 2 if the situation reverses…