AIBU to hate my mother-in-law after this?

[Sunshine231]

AIBU to hate my mother in law? She has always been fairly unpleasant to me and made it quite clear she does not like me. Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone (something I later discovered to be untrue). She interferes with our relationship constantly, basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments but if I ever try to defend my side she says I am an awful person for “causing her stress”. Anyway I try to have as little to do with her as possible: I am civil and always make sure she has a gift from the kids on special occasions but that’s it. This weekend she arranged a “family” dinner and invited my husband and the kids but not me. DH and I decided together that they would not go and he politely declined. MIL then sent him a string of messages saying that I am coercing him and isolating him from his family. That he’s changed since meeting me (for the worse) and that she finds it “disgusting” that I would stop him coming for a “lovely” family dinner. When DH tried to defend me she got her other son to message him which culminated in him calling me the c word multiple times and DH having to block him. I now really want nothing to do with MIL and really feel she is a horrible self centred individual who I don’t really want around my kids. DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU?

He is not family oriented.

His family is you and your DCs.

He is allowing someone to abuse and destabilise his family and emotionally destroy the mother of his DCs.

He is allowing all members of his family to be hurt and the family to fracture.

It doesn’t matter if the source of that hurt / threat is a randomer or his mother - his job is to protect his family.

It sounds like she has ruled rhe roost with emotional abuse all their lives. She maintains control through enmeshment. They think this dynamic is how families function (because it’s all they’ve ever known) so they accept her awful behaviour.
it is going to take A LOT of therapy for your husband to untwine himself from this. He is already using language she has brainwashed him with to cover up her behaviour “it’s unusual for her not to like anyone.” (Deep down he knows this is not true but she has put that in his head to make him question what’s wrong with you). If people are treated with this emotional abuse from childhood it’s ingrained in their brains like the accent or language they speak. You don’t learn to speak French overnight, just like you don’t undo emotional abuse and enmeshment overnight, so it will take an awfully big effort in his part of undo all the damage she has done to his views of a normal family dynamic.

i saw this because I have had to go through something similar with my in laws. Thankfully they live in another continent. My husband’s ideas about a functioning family are completely skewed. It’s like he has to learn again. And do so whilst I respect his desire that he maintains some kind of relationship with his family. He repeats things his mother has drilled into him and has never questioned them until adulthood which is a pretty painful process. For example she ran off with another man when he was about 9. He had to live with paternal grandparents. He always said “it was just a few months” because that was what she had brainwashed him with (to make her look less of a bad parent). It’s only when he talks about the football team that he played for in his grandparents home town that I have to ask how come he played for 3 full seasons if he was “only there a few months”. His brain had never made the connection.

Your DH has to stop telling her the ins and outs of all your arguments and disagreements. He has to stand up to her excessive manipulation attempts. This situation won't improve unless this is dealt with. He needs to be firm in telling her he will not discuss his marriage with her.

Your BIL sounds equally as horrible as your MIL.

I appreciate you're stuck between a rock and a hard place but I don't see this improving at all unless your DH takes some steps to fix the imbalance in his relationship with his mother (there IS an imbalance if a grown up man continually gives in to his mother's cajoling) which will in turn allow him to stop needlessly feeding fuel to her fire.

She sounds horrific and I agree with everyone else that you have a DH problem. The one thing on reading your posts that strikes me is you do a lot of ‘I don’t want to do X as MIL will say or do Y’. Honestly, she hates you, she blames you for everything anyway so you might as well do what you want and who cares what she thinks. I’d have my child in wrap around care, not at hers with the explanation that she threatened not to pick them up last minute so she is not reliable care. It has the added bonus that it removes a reason for DH to need to go regularly. An alternative is YOU drop them off and pick them up. Why do I suspect she may be less interested in having the kids in that case?
Also, if I am not invited to a family event my children at those ages are not going without me. Yes they are equally your DHs children but equally yours. It is only sensible they are not sent somewhere where a person who hates you has control of them where you cannot defend them. If DH says he can do that, point out he is incapable of not passing on every disagreement with his wife even if he doesn’t want to.
Lastly, tell your husband on pain of separation that he can share as much of his life with his mother as he wants but he has no right to discuss YOU and your business without your permission and you expect his answer to be ‘I don’t want to discuss Sunshine with you’. This is controlling all right, it is controlling YOUR personal information and access to it. If he can’t do that, ask him if he really means that the only way to remove HER ability to access your private life is to remove HIM from access to it? Is he sure about that?

She sent your DH a message clearly excluding you from an extended family lunch, and your DH's response is to say he's not sure because DC1 isn't feeling too good!

Why wasn't his first response 'why have you not invited my DW? We won't be coming without her'.

I think she referred to you as DC1's "maternal mother" to underplay your importance as his wife.

SHE is the one manipulating everyone in the family and exercising coercive control.
Your DH needs to recognise this, and develop a strategy for dealing with it.

You aren't seeing this yet but your husband is a dick. He's choosing his nasty mum over you. If he showed you the love and respect you and the kids deserve he'd be dialing his relationship with his mum way back. He's deluding himself as to just how awful she is, and I'm sorry @Sunshine231 but you're deluding yourself as to just how awful he is.

My husband wouldn't allow it, let alone keep going back for more.

Can you try some therapy to help you unpick this?

"my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone"

What kind of an idiot would choose to tell you that? She's not your problem. He is.

She's going to bad mouth you no matter what you do so you may as well take some control back and stop her using your children as pawns or a way to emotionally manipulate you and "D"H.
I agree with pp your DH needs to stop telling his mum about your arguments and your BIL calling you a cunt is beyond the pale. If DH loses his family over this they have done this not you.

Yup. She might be a witch but your husband is the issue here.

And is there any wonder with a dysfunctional family like this?

As PP have said. Your MIL sounds horrific but is being totally enabled by your spineless DH who isn't protecting you.

Does it not give you the ick he can't stick up for himself?

OP can't you see that the only person who can change this is your DH?

If he can't or won't do anything then this will continue and your children will be used against you!

I'm confused as to why you put up with this. Have an adult conversation with DH explaining how his mother impacts you both. His relationship with his mother doesn't have to end but his relationship with you can and should

Regardless of this, he still has to stop telling her.

I bet she loves to hear about arguments and for him it will be slightly nice to “give in” and get it off his chest.

Your DH must stop telling her about your arugements, it’s just adding to the drama. “Mum I don’t want to talk about it.” And change of subject. Easy. She threatens not to pick your kids up last second? “Okay thats fine mum don’t worry we will look into childcare as this isnt the first time you’ve done this mum.” He needs to relate her bad behaviour back to her.

he can either refuse to talk about it or leave as soon as she starts.

Sounds like shes deeply abusive and your DH is desperate to fall in line to keep her affection. He needs to deal with this himself sometime but...not your problem. Id cut her off 100%, and the other abusive brother too, and make a line in the sand to your DH that you will not tolerate being bullied, excluded, being called a c%nt etc, full stop. Thats disgusting behaviour.

If I were you I wouldnt see her again and certainly dont ever explain yourself to her again after an argument with your DH.

It is obvious he goes running over when you have an argument and makes you appear in a bad light. He has been doing this for years. Clearly, as a result of this, she only hears bad things about you, and decided you are a terrible person. If you have a partner who cannot resist talking shit about you, then you have only one choice.

Surely that's easily dealt with? Your husband tells his mother he realises he is imposing on her too much by this arrangement, so it's going to stop. Or the next time she threatens not to pick your child up, he must say he cannot deal with that sort of uncertainty so will make other arrangements.

Your problem here is that you have managed to saddle yourself with a mummy's boy and a MiL who is a manipulative witch.

When you have an argument he goes running to mummy's house like a pathetic baby only for her to winkle it all out of him..Then her negative view of the woman who stole her ickle baby boy is reinforced.

How fucking dare she invited your husband and kids to dinner and not you? Appalling crassness. And I'm sure you're no angel, but if she hates you that much she should either behave for one day or not invite anyone.

You need to deal with your husband and he needs to grow the fuck up. Stop running to mummy with tales of your arguments. Man up and deal with issues at home. Marriages have ended over less. You need to give him a very firm talking to and make sure he sees the error of his ways before it's too late.

And you still went on to marry this man...? Why?

Also.. in his i still responses re the dinner invite he didn't even mention you. He's as complicit in all this.

I'm actually gobsmacked how you've made a life with him

Has your DH tried telling her stories about happy times you've had together, or lovely things that you've done for him or the children? It could be fun to deflect her pestering for dirt on you by doing that.

People go No Contact for a reason and your MIL is certainly a reason to cut ties. What a bitter, nasty woman your MIL is and your BIL doesn’t sound much better. If someone called me the C word that absolutely would be the end of the relationship. Ugh, nasty is putting it mildly.

Yes I have a FIL. He usually sides with MIL. Although on this occasion he has been surprisingly quiet. I am not sure why. He would usually be texting DH to have a go at him for upsetting MIL but this time he has said nothing. He very much loves the kids maybe he is worried about not being able to see them anymore I’m not sure. BIL is older and does not have kids so our kids are their only grandchildren

So you would put up with the day to day drama and manipulation and exclusion from family events to which your partner and children are invited, along with your DH abandoning any loyalty to you as his life partner because he’s too weak to stand up to his mother and put a stop to her behaviour? So you’re advising OP to just be a doormat then ?