AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

I don’t think they’re that young. I had just turned 24 when I got married and I was definitely ready. As for the name I don’t see anything wrong with what they are planning. It seems like a good idea and is fairer than the woman just automatically taking the man’s name.

I understand totally OP. 23 is very young. He is just out of uni - different if he had been out in the world since he was 18. My ds is 24 and he still seems very young ( and foolish) to me. Also I can’t understand the name change - where I live men keep their names and women keep their names, as did I 30 years ago. However, you will just have to accept it and move on because there is nothing you can do about it.

He isn’t that young, he will be 24 or almost 24. My parents’ generation most people got married around then. ( My Dad was married at 26, his brother at 23, neither were considered particularly young ).Obviously now people tend to leave it later, but it’s not as though he is a teenager, and I have noticed a trend of people getting married in their early to mid twenties again.
Of the friends and family of mine who got together in their teens , over half are still together and happy. One was widowed youngish and has remarried, and a few have divorced. So probably similar to people getting together later. I don’t think it’s any more likely to go wrong in your twenties than in your thirties.
The name, I do understand why that upsets you, it might feel as a rejection of you as a family, although it sounds as though you get on well so he probably hasn’t thought of that at all. Perhaps they could use both names ? How does your DH feel as it’s his surname that would be lost ? (I assume, as that’s most common).
Of course the name choice is theirs to make, but if it’s going to hurt you and your DH then maybe have a chat with your son and his fiancé together and explain you feel sad about it and ask if they would think about double barrelling their names . If they decide not to though, there isn’t much you can do other than adjust to the new name. I have kept my maiden name as have several of my friends but most women do lose their family name on marriage, so if it was your daughter getting married you would accept her new name.

I have a friend who married when they were 20. A beautiful wedding focused on their love for each other. They had been with their now husband since the age of 16 and have been married a very happy 24 years this year.

the name thing is neither here nor there since I assume you would be happy to a daughter to take her husbands name.

it sounds like you’ve raised a respectful young man who knows what he wants and wants to make a lifetime commitment to his sweetheart.

a marriage isn’t just a big showy wedding. It’s a love and respect for one another and a lot of hard work. IME those who have a deep love that doesn’t need a show off wedding have stayed the course. Marriage is something that needs nurturing every single day. Seems like your son knows that.

I've voted YABU on the basis that you're sad because he's giving up his name in favour of his future wife's.
Why does that bother you? I took my husband's name when we got married and I was in my twenties, nobody thought to be sad for me.
It was just the norm. Is it the fact that he's a man giving up his name doesn't feel "right" for you?
If my DS to his girlfriend gave up his name I can't see it bothering me.

23 was a perfectly normal age to get married back when I was that age. It only seems to be the last 15-20 years that people are waiting till they’re older than that to get married.

I think I’d feel sad about the name thing, too, just for a bit. But I reckon you should just be happy that your son is happy to be getting married and will have a secure future.

At least half of grandparents don’t have the same name as their grandchildren. This is an utter non-issue. You might not even have grandchildren.

Don't worry, it won't last.

Got married when we were both 21, been married 35 years. Can recommend.

Hi op I agree with you about age it’s a shame as neither of them can know for sure but as a catholic if she’s a true catholic this is the only way they can consummate there relationship otherwise it could go on for years the name is another matter but unfortunately you can’t decide just hope they are happy and have a great marriage. The sad thing is they may regret it and it will be more difficult for her to divorce than your ds. But no marriage is guaranteed at any age. They seem mature enough.

I’d be a bit disappointed and concerned if either of my kids got married so young.

the surname thing wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and I’d be a hypocrite if it did having changed my own when I got married

Do you also think it’s submissive for a woman to take her husband’s name?

EDIT: Oh, I see you think that’s fine. A case of textbook misogyny, then.

It's certainly unusual to get married so young these days, and might be a concern, but if they're working hard and earning, I guess you should be proud they're doing well, OP.

As for changing his surname, would you have objected if a daughter had changed her name? If not, then it's illogical to be upset about your son doing so.

It's not that young to get married and I don't see the problem with him changing his name it's obviously very important to her and they want to have the same surname. Nothing he is doing can't be undone.

So he's not doing things the way you wanted? Has he fulfilled every other wish you had for him exactly the way you imagined it? Is it that you want him to have slept with more people before marriage? Because other experiences they can do together

I think with the surname, I guess DS is my only son and I always imagined having the same surname as my grandchildren!

Does it matter though? They'll still be your grandchildren, regardless of surname 😕

I got married at 23. Both me and DH obtained professional qualifications. We’re nearly 50 with grown up kids. No regrets. Why aren’t you happy? It’s nice they’re going to share a surname. I’m not sure what you’d prefer? Lots of random sex on the apps?

What a mature young man you have raised! A solid career plan, a long term relationship with someone he truly knows, embracing commitment - many young men could learn from him and be happier for it! Give yourself a pat on the back and tell your son how proud you are of him.

that's really mean!!!

Exactly this! My grandchildren don’t have my surname or my blood as they’re my DSD’s children. They’re still my grandchildren!

Surnames don't really mean as much, women have 'given them up' for years. The idea that they are choosing a new name for their new family is a good one. It sounds very balanced. You however, seem to be acting over the top. He's getting.married, perhaps a little young, but he's obviously got a direction he's heading in, ambition and drive. There's a reason why he wants to start his own family, perhaps that he's just doing normal things and that is making you sad - he's pulling away from an overbearing parent by the sound of it.

The name thing is more unusual than the age, and I understand that combined with the religious conversion that might make you worry that you’re losing him?

How does he seem? Does he seem happy? Does he seem like he’s doing all the compromising and trying to make it work for her, or does it seem equal and like she’s trying just as hard to make him happy? Either way, as others have said, no good will come from expressing your concerns to him/her. But be ready to be supportive no matter what and let him know you’ll always be there.

Not to pick on you specifically as there are others with this sentiment but…

I find the handwringing so odd. Here we have a young couple who love each other enough to want to commit through marriage. And the reaction is disappointment and concern? Why do we have to infantilise people like this?

As if having meaningless sex on dating apps and being ghosted is the highlight of people’s lives. Unless they were toxic toward each other it’s a bit much

I think with the surname, I guess DS is my only son and I always imagined having the same surname as my grandchildren!

Even if your DS wasn’t changing his name, she might have kept hers and given it to the children (if any)

He's not your baby any more.