AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

He needs to change his name first

I don’t blame you for being upset. I would find but difficult to watch my son get married to his teenage girlfriend. The name change wouldn’t bother me though. Hugs to you OP.

@WhereDoIBeginTo Therefore, as a Ms MyName, I wonder if @ohyesido do feels I must be awfully ashamed of my husband? 😆

You mean you were not a good little girl doing exactly what society tells you to do for the benefit of the men?

Get on the naughty step (but finish the dishes first)

My husband's family had this exact reaction when we got married (he took my surname and was 25).

He only started talking to them again this year. Maybe try supporting them instead of ostrisising them. Also what the hell is wrong with giving up the surname? Nobody bats an eyelid when a woman is expected to give up her name but when the man chooses it's a tragedy.

Lineage is through the male, where people like or not. Having said that, I don’t know why anyone should change their surname. I kept mine and dh kept his. He doesn’t own me and vice versa.

I think you’re not being unreasonable at all. 23 is young to be getting married by today’s standards, even more so for a man and you probably expected that he kept his surname (you might have expected the same if you had a daughter too, I have female cousins who kept their own surnames when they married) however I suggest you do NOT mention any of this to your son!

The best way to keep things cordial and pleasant between you all is not to mention the surname thing at all -it’s really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things even if it bothers you. You could tell them both that they are still quite young and have plenty of time to plan a bigger wedding/the day of their dreams -of course they may be perfectly happy with the wedding they currently are planning.

You could also tell them you’d like to see them in better/more permanent housing if their current situation isn’t long term or stable. But above all tell them you love them both and emphasise that you want to see them happy. Try to participate in the wedding preparations if they are happy to accept your offer of help. Your daughter in law to be’s mum is deceased, that is hard on any young girl her age and it will be an emotional time for her for sure. Get her on side by taking her out for a meal or coffee, maybe a beauty treatment if that’s your thing and bond with her.

Marriages at all ages are a risk and to be fair they have been together a while. If they have decided on the big things like children (if any), religion, their future plans etc the best thing you can do is give it your blessing and pray everything works out well.

YABU, I would be happy he is happy.

I married at 21: now 54. Honestly why do you give a shite?

I think you are being unreasonable @Cathryoi I was 23 when I married my dh who was 24 and we have been married for just over 30 years. We met when he was 18 and I was 17. I think it's lovely they are having her late mums maiden name as their surname too. I would be supportive of them both, and be happy. It's a joyous occasion

Oh no, I'm very happy being a know it all, I'd be very ashamed of being a misogynist!

What do you mean by lineage?

I didn't realise Andrew Tate was on mumsnet

What would worry me about this is not so much the ages of your son and future daughter in law, but the fact that they have been together since they were in school. I would prefer my children to have spread their wings a bit before they get married or settle down with someone, if only because there is always a danger otherwise that at some point one or both of them may well start wondering what they missed out on and may start looking around elsewhere for relationships.

Doesn't it though??? I guess maybe it's a bit misandrist as well actually - men 'must' be dominant, 'must' be leaders within the family etc. Women 'must be more prepared to bend and submit' women 'should' be prepared to take a financial/career hit than men.

Its certainly not a neutral view point is it? It's rooted in gender stereotypes which we know are harmful to both genders.

So it's cool for women to be simps and submissive to their husbands but not the other way around? Hmmmm what does that sound like? 🤔

They mean the ones carrying on the bloodline. So giving birth to the next generation.

Oh. Wait...

I can completely understand how you must be feeling. He’s (presumably) had no experience of being a single young man, no experience of any other relationships. He is young to be finalising his choice for life. I’d also be sad that they’re picking a different name. You’d have previously thought that your future grandchildren would have the same name as you.

You are entitled to your feelings, OP. Although - goes without saying - you must say nothing. Just love and support them and wish for them endless love and happiness together.

It could be a lot worse, right? I mean in terms of where you’d want your 23 year old to be, marrying an intelligent graduate isn’t exactly a terrible scenario.

DH was 16 and I was 18 when we first got together. We've been together 30 years and married for 20. I don't feel like I've missed out in the slightest. We've shared a life together. It's been and still is lovely.

As she has inheritance from her mother, this seems to be their dream wedding, it’s just fairly small!

They are also planning to wait and buy once DS finishes his training contract and they can leave London as they don’t want to raise a family in London (again with inheritance, they will likely be mortgage free unless they want a massive home).

I haven’t said anything and I won’t as I know it won’t go down well.

I think with the surname, I guess DS is my only son and I always imagined having the same surname as my grandchildren!

Twenty three is not that young...

YABU in the fact that 23 isn’t young to marry. I have never married and had a child as a teenager so 23 would have felt very old to me at that age.

Sorry not sure why it sent twice

OR they'll do what millions of couples do and grow and explore life together and still be happy. Regardless, the OP just needs to be there for her son whichever way it goes. To cheer them on through the good and hold his hand through the bad.

I sometimes think people just like finding things to be miserable about. Having a successful, thriving and happy 23 year old who is mature enough to make his own decisions is not one of them.