AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

So he will be about to turn 24?
Whilst 24 is on the younger side nowadays I still think it’s a normal and okay age to get married.

I would say most people in my friendship group and wider circle got married between 27-28 which isn’t really that much older.

What do people think the ‘right’ age is? (I appreciate it’s very subjective!)

I’d be proud to have raised a feminist man who’s not afraid of commitment! (But I might try and convince him to keep our shared name as a middle name as I’m needy)

I got married at 23 and changed my surname. I come from a small family whose name is dying out. Only difference is I'm a woman. I wanted my family to share a surname and preferred dh's. We're about to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary and have had a wonderful time together. Still in love and strong. Marrying dh was the best decision I made and I'd have missed out on far more by not doing this than doing it. I feel very fortunate

Ummm, they're not that young, and it's nice to see a man changing his surname upon marriage.

YABVU.

Isn't the tide turning with the younger generation with earlier marriages? It's weird for a lot of us who grew up in a time of protracted "youth", but I don't think it's a bad thing in itself.

I understand where you’re coming from. I have more than one son, but the eldest announced he and fiancée were making a new surname out of both of their surnames. I’ll be honest, we weren’t happy about it as you see your family line disappearing and like you said, GC with different names. We did discuss it with them and they decided to double barrel instead.
I’m also aware that I was being a bit hypocritical because I was sorry when my surname disappeared when I married DH. But whatever the rights and wrongs, you’re entitled to feel a bit sad!

If you think they truly love each other, that should be enough reassurance for you imo.

Just because they’re going to be married doesn’t mean they can’t still have adventures together.

I don’t understand why your son wants to change his surname to his soon to be wife’s mother’s maiden name. I find it odd.

I understand the soon to be wife wanting to keep her own name, or even changing her surname to that of her late mother’s, but can’t get my head around your son?

I understand OP. It does seem young in this day and age and you’re obviously quite surprised by their decision/decisions - but hopefully it all works out beautifully.

Ges and his future wife are both changing their names to the bride to be's mothers maiden name.

He explained his main priority is that he, his fiancée and any future children all share the same name. His fiancée is passionate about wanting her mums name, he says she hasn’t asked him to take it to, but as he wants to have the same name as her, this is the way everyone is happy. He said he’s not really bothered by our name so isn’t upset to lose it.

@VillageFete sometimes couples pick a new surname on marriage, rather than each keeping their own, picking one of their existing names, or double barrelling.

If they both like the late mother’s birth surname, that seems a good choice, no?

I would be proud that you've raised a responsible man who is clearly focused on his career and settling down. Hes not 19, hes been with her for nearly a decade, and is considerate enough to understand her late mums name means a lot to her.
I wouldn't be anything other than proud.

This. It sounds like your lovely son has his head screwed on OP and is building a beautiful life. You're gaining a daughter - and you should be so excited for them OP!

Oh fgs

Yes my love. You are being wildly unreasonable.

Your son sounds like an absolute credit to you.

Bask in that.

Hmmm I find these posts saying the son is being refreshingly progressive, standing up to the patriarchy, pretty weird.

Since when is becoming a conservative Catholic a gesture against patriarchy?

I didn't change my own name on marriage and I do find it a little sad when women change theirs. I would never say so to him, but DS has my name and if he one day said he wasn't bothered about it anymore, yes I'd be sad in my head. That would be a name I'd given him and what was on his BC, all his firsts using that name. Yeah, I'd be a bit sad.

Why is it odd when a man does it but not when a woman does?
I suppose it's just tradition, and people's heads "explode" when they try to get their head round a man giving their name up.
(I'm getting more liberal in my old age as I get where you're coming from as when I was younger I remember thinking it was weird when a female colleague and her husband got married and he took her name!)
Now though, I think so what? What's the difference?
23 isn't a child though to get married, I bought my own house and moved in with now DH at that age.

I got married at 23 too. People I barely knew advised me not to go through with it or that we should separate and live our lives for a while before we were ‘ready’. I never went back to that hairdressers again and it leaves a sour taste with the people I do still see now and again,17 years later. I’m glad no one I really cared about shared their advice with me if they had the same doubts you do. I hope your son and his fiancée live happily ever after and that these worries will be a distant memory for you one day.

There has to compromise at some point otherwise all of our names - and our children’s names - would be hyphenated to infinity. Never any upset when the woman adopts the ILs’ name, it’s all smiles.

OP I don't know if you're being overbearing and possessive. I mean, you might be.

But I'll just say -

I am one of four children. Only one changed her name on marriage. She was also marrying someone from a strict Christian background, also at 23.

Over the years, I personally feel their relationship is increasingly controlling. DSis socialises entirely in her church - she has developed what I would see as extreme beliefs following her husband - and is very isolated from everyone her husband doesn't approve of. We see her rarely and if we Facetime it is clear he is offscreen listening in.

Now I am not saying the situations are the same, but yes, anyone converting to a conservative religion to match their partner, then marrying young and changing their name - knowing what I know now with DSis, I would keep an eye.

I think with the surname, I guess DS is my only son and I always imagined having the same surname as my grandchildren
@Cathryoi

I have three adults children in their twenties and have never once imagined having the same surname as my potential future grandchildren.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I can't see how on earth it makes a difference!

Most gandchildren will not have the same last name as half their grandparents, it's completely normal.

Eh? I literally just said I did think it was sad when women changed their names.

So you’d be sad if a woman married your son and took his (your) surname? really? I doubt it.

How may times are supposed to hyphenate are names then, how many generations?

I was married at 23 in 2014. We have been together since I was 19. Still very happy with 2 kids. Didn’t feel we missed out on anything as we still lived life and did all that we wanted to do before having kids. Did all the drinking and adventures with friends when I was at uni. We wanted the security and commitment of marriage but still did all the same things we would have done if we hadn’t married like travelling abroad. I can’t see how it will stop them living their lives as they’re already together. What do you wish they would do now that they won’t be able to do married?

I’m not too worried about them being particularly conservative.
One as I’m fairly certain they aren’t exactly sticking to the rules around sex etc. And as they are actually both quite liberal thinkers, they attend a Jesuit church in London which is home to a group for LGBT Catholics, they are both very loud on social issues and equal rights.
I don’t fully understand why he converted if they didn’t intend to live it fully but I’ve accepted that isn’t my business.

This is enough info to identify the exact church they attend. Might want to remove some identifying info. (I know someone who posted on FB and someone read and approached people IRL to tell them about the post).