AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

I don’t think I could get upset by this ( my DCs are similar age) your DS is old enough to know what he wants, living his best life and has a future all planned out. Your job is done and you’ve done it well. Be happy.

I think you are being unreasonable. I met my now husband of 11 years when I was 16. Married at 25. Both professional careers. Happy. We’ve grown up together and continue to grow together.

You can’t help how you feel, but on the basis of this post you’ve raised a great young man.

I think this kind of post is missing the point. This is exactly the kind of life the OP doesn’t want her son to have, marrying the only person he’s ever gone out with, probably his sole sexual partner, a decision made when he was 15 or 16!

Well if they divorced tomorrow he'd have decades to find another more suitable partner.

I take it you don't like her much else I don't see why you wouldn't be delighted that their sweet young romance seems to be becoming permanent?

So what?

Imagine being the kind of parent who just fundamentally can't accept their kid being happy.

It’s seriously weird.

Imagine hearing about a happy couple about to marry and your first thought is to gloat at the idea of divorce.

Said by someone, of course, much older and wiser than the newlyweds-to-be.

The bitterness is crazy.

No mother should care about their son’s body count though, no way😂

The whole point of having children is to raise them to be happy and functional people not dictate how they live their lives

Don’t be sad that they’re young. What’s the alternative? That they live the exact same life just unmarried or have a heartbreaking split?

I’ve been with DH since 18 and we married at 29. I wish we’d done it far sooner! We were together either way.

The surname thing is unusual and I get being a bit sad but they’re forging their own way and will be a happy married couple. Far worse things happen at sea than having a successful son marry his childhood sweetheart.

I don’t think it’s at all dictatorial to be mildly, privately disappointed that your child is trying themselves down to a decision made when they were in their mid-teens, out of a complete lack of life experience. The OP isn’t telling her son not to do it. She feels how she feels.

I knew a lot of young Christians who married immediately after university. Many are still happy together 20 years later. Some aren't, for a multitude of reasons. Some regret marrying young.

I "lived", travelled a lot, broke up with my first love in a brutal way, didn't meet DH until I was 36. But I sooooo wish we'd met younger and had more years together with the chance for more children. I was traumatised for a decade by my breakup in my 20s and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I have other friends who were single in their late 30s, so sad to be alone.

I'd be really happy if DC met someone lovely to share their life with and married young! There's really nothing I've done in life that I couldn't have done with a husband. Marriage doesn't have to be a set way, mortgage, kids immediately.

I know someone who married at 18. They emigrated to the Caribbean, had an amazing time and didn't have kids for 10 years.

I understand why you feel sad but I think you already know you cannot say or do anything about it. Changing his name shows your son is not bound by patriarchal assumptions (well done him, and well done you indirectly!) Fwiw, I did not marry young because I knew it would not be approved of by my family/friends, and I spent much of my adult life regretting that decision. Who knows if it would have failed, or what heartaches I shielded myself from, but not following my heart took its own toll and somehow affected my sense of agency over my own life. I became a different person after that. So yes, I think you need to let him make his own decisions, even if they turn out to be mistakes, and let him know you've always got his back.

YANBU in my experience.
I married at 21 to my now ex husband, who was also 21, having met at university.
I look back now and can’t quite believe how everyone went along with it. We were far far too young to make such a huge commitment.
I have two amazing sons (22 and 19) from the marriage and I would be as upset as the OP if either of them were to say they were marrying so young.
There will always be exceptions and some will go on to live happily ever after, but I believe it’s far too young to marry. I want my sons to live and experience life before making a life altering decision.

Perhaps they’re the most indignant and vocal that their precious little Princes want to change their names when they get married!!!

I have teen DDs but I do know if they told me they were getting married at twenty three I’d feel the same as you. Their brains aren’t even fully formed until they’re twenty seven! As for changing his name … I wouldn’t be so bothered by that. I never changed my name. My DDs had their Fathers but have opted to use mine instead … they feel more of a connection. I think it’s quite cute that they’re both taking her late Mothers name 💕

It’s really unpleasant!
Im old, I’m 57, and I double barreled my name and so do my daughters.
One is very disabled and won’t be changing her name, the other will obviously have to choose what name she has, but either way I’m not fussed.

Yeah I read it and my question stands, what’s that got to do with the OPs issue??
Going by your theory, no one should post anything as there’s always “someone worse off”!!
and FYI my daughter has autism and learning difficulties and will never marry or live independently, have a relationship, kids etc, but guess what, it has NOTHING to do with this post!!

It’s ok for you to feel a bit sad, you are entitled to feel whatever you feel. However, I don’t entirely understand it if I’m honest.
I got married aged 20 and am still happily married 34 years later. There’s very little he can’t do married that he could do single 🤷🏻‍♀️ If it were me, I’d be grateful he’d found ‘the one’ and fully embrace it.

On the last point, cue the very next post:

Sixpence39 · Yesterday 05:38
My aunt got married at 20 and is still very happily married 40 years later. Also changed her name! Just be happy for them. They've not exactly rushed into it.

Spot on :)

Kelly1969 "Aaaaand for what reason would 1) the marriage dissolve 2) would he want his old surname back 3) change the name of his children and 4) why would any of this have anything to do with OP to the degree that she should ‘make sure’ he does anything?"

1. The couple has been together since they were very young, 15 & 16. While there are marriages that last with couples who have been together since their teens, the statistical majority do not. 2) He will want his prior surname back if this marriage does not survive and he wants to remarry. 3) Add his name to his children's names as a middle name or hyphenate, so if, or when, this young romance/upcoming marriage runs it course, and he remarries and has more children his first children will have his name as a middle name. If he remarries and his next wife wants him to take her name, too, his children won't have his name. Of course, there is the possibility that his next wife, should they divorce and he remarry, would be willing to take his ex-wife's last name, but I wouldn't put money on it. What he wants as a 23 year old versus what he will want as a 33 year old are likely to be very different. 4) Re OP, OP is his parent, so she is far more likely than her son to remember years later what to tell him to ask his legal counsel, if he is interested, at the time of dissolution. Aaaand she is the one writing in distressed about his name change.

My god i think you misspelt “Im happy for my son marrying a woman he loves”. Honestly get a grip and some perspective

I'd be a bit gutted too. I have friends who got married to their boyfriends from school and now we are reaching 40 alot of then are getting divorced. I just think you only get 1 life and limit yourself so much by marrying young. I was in a long term relationship with my boyfriend from school since the age of 17. I was totally besotted with him but also had a burning career ambition so broke it off at 20 to go to uni. I would never have had the career I've had or travelled so much or moved abroad had I stayed. Your 20s should be for living, plenty of time to settle down later. I know alot of people will disagree but I think unless you are a plodder or someone who's happy to stay in their comfort zone then I would not get married so young. People change so much from 20s to 30s, I think by the time you're mid 30s you have a better idea of what you want but 20s should be for figuring it out on your own terms.

2) He will want his prior surname back if this marriage does not survive and he wants to remarry. 3) Add his name to his children's names as a middle name or hyphenate, so if, or when, this young romance/upcoming marriage runs it course, and he remarries and has more children his first children will have his name as a middle name. If he remarries and his next wife wants him to take her name, too, his children won't have his name. Of course, there is the possibility that his next wife, should they divorce and he remarry, would be willing to take his ex-wife's last name, but I wouldn't put money on it. What he wants as a 23 year old versus what he will want as a 33 year old are likely to be very different.

All this hand wringing and yet this is the standard expectation of women on a daily basis.

Someone may have said it as I haven't seen every response but can he not hyphenate his surname to include both?

Hand wringing and over-imaginative too.

Who's to say what he'd want to do if they divorce? We hear of so many men having nicer surnames than women, maybe this is one of those unicorn cases where the reverse applies and he'd want to hold onto it because it sounds prettier. Maybe he never actually liked or felt attached to his birth surname, as so many people don't. Maybe he won't have any children with this hypothetical future second wife, or if they do then they'll want to hyphenate.

We're in proper barrel scrape territory here.