AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

It must be hard feeling like that, I’m sorry.
Getting married young wouldn’t upset me, they sound very committed and in love. What a joy!
However, I’m a bit of a traditionalist and also a keen genealogist, although a lot of people wouldn’t mind the name change, I personally would find that upsetting too. I’m not a big fan of picking and choosing surnames, it’s not something that would bother everyone but it’s quite important to me. From a genealogical point of view it will be a nightmare in the future trying to trace families back.
My step children have had four very random surnames and it’s caused no end of problems with passports and applying for bank accounts etc.

I don't think they are that young. At 23 most everyone I know has been out on their own for a couple years.
If they've been together since they were 15/16 why wouldn't they continue to be happy together. My middle son has been with his wife since they were 15. They are now going to be 40 this year.

Also I think it's nice they are honouring her mothers ancestry. I have known other couples that took the wife's surname as it would have been the end of the line for the family name otherwise.

Wow 😮 what a negative comment!
Incidently why would his surname have to be “restored” in court proceedings, it’s easily done with a Deed poll.
Why do the kids have to have his surname at all, some have been expected to give up their names for years!

YANBU, however personally I would prefer a double barrelled surname if that’s at all possible? It would be a nod to both sides then.

With my own DS’s I’d honestly have no issue with them taking their spouses surname (in some ways I’d prefer it as their father (ex-h is complete twat, but that’s a different story).

He’ll always be your son regardless and that is ultimately what matters. As others have said he’d be free to change his name via deed poll regardless of being married or not.

Totally agree, what a strange and negative comment!

I don't think they are 'so young'. They've been together 8 years and are in their 20s. In addition they are clearly well educated and have a solid financial basis if he's aiming to be a solicitor.

We're not talking 17 year olds are we? I could not get excited about the name.

Just to add, reading your responses, you should be very proud of your son and future daughter in law. They sound like they have a fantastic work ethic, good moral values and a very bright future ahead of them.
I’d be over the moon if I were you. Share in their happiness, look forward to having more years to watch your family grow and thrive. Get excited for Grandchildren!

From a genealogical point of view it will be a nightmare in the future trying to trace families back.

Is this true now, though, with records digitised and rather more sophisticated than the parish records of yore?

I really wouldn’t worry. Maybe ask if he’d keep his surname as a middle name and give it to his future children as a middle name.

Different times though.

I got married at 23, would’ve been devastated to know my mum was doubting us. Slap on a smile, be supportive and happy. If, like any marriage might, it goes downhill, you can be there for him. Otherwise all you’re doing is permanently tanking your relationship with them and any future grand kids.

Honestly if they've been together since school, got engaged last year what did you expect to happen? You're taking like marriage is the end, rather than the beginning of a lifetimes journey together.
Would you rather they split up be miserable and spend the next 10 years finding someone else to marry.

I think the name change is fabulous. I wish I hadn't taken my husband's name tbh and we'd gone down a different route name wise.
Make sure they know the easiest (and cheapest) way to change their names legally as I think you have to do it by deed poll in the UK you just cant 'pick a name you fancy' on the wedding day. There are legal practices to follow.

Exactly, all the dinosaurs and mums of sons are out in force to moan about a MAN giving up his name when women have expected to do it for years!

Out in force?

The vast majority of comments on the thread regarding the name have been saying OP shouldn’t be concerned about it. It’s a 16 page thread and I think there’s been fewer than 10 posts showing concern about it.

Yes surprisingly. There’s more records that are accessible through digitalisation, no longer having to trawl through libraries and council archives is a huge bonus. But because of new GDPR rules and the laws regarding the time lapses between personal details on census’s etc tracing them in the future will potentially still be problematic but in different ways. For example, traditional naming patterns are currently a useful tool but with those patterns changing, more people not getting married, people living even longer (prohibiting the release of data for longer) and more stringent privacy laws, I predict it will be quite a task!
And, with everything becoming more digitalised, if the internet ever collapses, a mind boggling amount of information could be lost (although in that scenario, we’d have a lot more to worry about). Sorry, I’m just realising how nerdy my comment is.

I got married at 23. I met my husband aged 18. I’m now 45 and him 51. From 20-27 we worked hard, travelled extensively and had an all round amazing time. First son born when I was 27 and second when I was 32. We still have a great relationship, our sons are 13 and 18. We have a great family life and plan on loads more travelling when our kids have flown the nest. Why worry?

It is very odd, especially as I assume that OP has her husbands name so it’s not even her family name!
people need to step out of the dark ages and stop treating women like their possessions that need to be labeled with a name!

Exactly we don’t need to know the reasons for using the Mothers maiden name, it’s their choice

What difference does it make? My dd's name is their name, they received it at birth (it makes no difference if it came from their father or their mother imo) and changing it on marriage for no better reason than tradition is outdated and silly imo.

In this particular case, it’s certainly not a traditional change on marriage!

We all probably have hopes/expectations for our dc when they are little based on the skills, character etc they appear to demonstrate. I felt quite disillusioned during both my sons’ teenage years as a result of this! However, once they become adults I think we need to let go of the notion that we can decide what’s best for our children but instead trust in the values and love that we tried to teach them and let them figure out their own way in their lives. (Yes, I got married at 23 and am still with my husband at 48 years old. My sons are now 23 and 22 and have not decided to marry anyone yet. That’s fine because it’s their life.) Neither of them have followed the career path I would have expected them to despite their obvious abilities. I am not disappointed because they are in charge of how they want to live their lives, as was I when I made my own choices.
I think yabu for being proud of your son for taking steps towards a major career choice so young but not for making a decision in his personal life.

I agree. But your earlier post seemed to imply that male surnames should be passed on. As the legislation you were subjected to wasn’t in the UK it stuck out somewhat.

Exactly. It’s just entitled Parents thinking that their adult kids must pass on THEIR family name with no regard for the other side of the family!
I took my husbands name, had my first child and then when I needed a new passport I decided to go double barreled.
Then had second child who has same double barreled name as me.
Happily my eldest requested to go double barreled too, in her mid teens!

Did you not read it? There's probably many mothers of sons on here who will never marry at all, which is more concerning than marrying young imho

My parents were 20 and 22 when they married. They celebrate their 60th anniversary this year. YABU