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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

562 replies

Cathryoi · 06/04/2026 20:19

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 07/04/2026 19:36

Susan7654 · 07/04/2026 19:02

Hope you like your future daughter in law as it sounds its more about her than their age. I think its a bit too much changing surnames. Giving their child mothers first name is perfect but changing surnames a bit weird unless its a posh one andmore beautiful than yours ;)

You wouldn’t be saying that if she was changing hers!

there was me thinking the dinosaurs had died out.

TwoSwannits · 07/04/2026 19:36

I am 59 and when I was young virtually everyone got married in their early to mid twenties. Some even in their late teens. 23 wouldn't have raised an eyebrow. I knew people who got married the very same summer they graduated.

ItTook9Years · 07/04/2026 19:38

Deadringer · 07/04/2026 19:14

When I had my dc they were automatically given their father's name as we were married, that was the law. That is no longer the case AFAIK. Their names are their names, regardless of who they got them from, and I would hate them to change them, simply because they were getting married.

Show quote history

When was that?!

NaiceHazelHare · 07/04/2026 19:39

Might sound mad, but my friends who got married young all had a dead parent - I think it made them seek some kind of stability.

you’ve raised a kind-hearted boy who is able to offer that to someone he loves - what a fab job you’ve done!

ItTook9Years · 07/04/2026 19:40

Vermans · 07/04/2026 19:25

YANBU. I always felt it's the sons who pass on the family name when they get married and yet he's scuppered that.

Vomit. Women do all the hard work and DH is living proof that socks don’t fall off of wives keep their own names and pass them on.

happy to help.

Letskeepcalm · 07/04/2026 19:41

Zov · 06/04/2026 20:38

Of course YANBU and I can't understand the responses on here! Of course he's young! Only 23! I wouldn't have been happy if my DC had got married that young. It's not the 1950s, there's no need to get married that young. What's the rush?!

Odd that he's changing his surname to hers, but that's his choice I guess. The posters on here would be up in arms if it was a WOMAN changing her surname on marriage, because most of the women on Mumsnet didn't change their name to their husband's when they got married - even though 90% of women in the UK do! 😆

You will of course get a multitude of posters coming on here now telling you about all the people they know who got married young (at 18-20 probably) and are still blissfully happy 20/25/30/35/40 years later!

.

Edited

Completely agree
OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel the way you do, I would be the same. But of course, its up to them and you must support them.
I hope it all works out for them.

TheHouse · 07/04/2026 19:44

I think you need to grow up.

Theres mothers out there who haven’t seen their sons even reach the age of 23 and you’re sad because he’s found love young (and he’s also clearly successful on a solicitor training contract).

Yes, YABVU. Maybe get some real problems.

Jobseeker2026 · 07/04/2026 19:46

I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

so they should live this different way to make you happy instead of making themselves happy? I would be really sad if my child felt obligated to change their life for my happiness.

NavyBee · 07/04/2026 19:57

You can’t help your feelings I guess. But 23 does not seem young to me. I met my husband to be when I was 19, got married at 22. Still together 49 years later so we have spent our entire adult lives together. My daughter met her man when she was 18. They got married when she was 25. Still together (she’s 35 now). Another daughter is not in a relationship and my son - well! Took him till he was 40 to find the right woman. For the two who are married I’m truly grateful that they are with people who are good for them - that’s by far the most important thing.

Deadringer · 07/04/2026 19:57

@ItTook9Years 1990s, not in the UK

MummyWillow1 · 07/04/2026 20:08

If they are happy then leave them be. It doesn’t sound like he is giving up anything to get married? They will be able to support each other and grow together.

I wasn’t much older when I got married and have been married 19 years in June. I had a mortgage by 21!

Get over yourself and support their mature decision.

pollymere · 07/04/2026 20:10

I don't think that's young! Eighteen is young, maybe early twenties. I met my DH at 18, started dating at 20, married at 21/22. I didn't plan life that way but we just didn't see any reason to wait. Been married over 25 years now.

Mayana1 · 07/04/2026 20:12

Cathryoi · 06/04/2026 20:19

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

Do not listen to people here. Yes, he is 23, but he is still your son. It is normal for a mother to get emotional at any stage of her children life, even when they are good for them, we still remember how it was and craving old good days. It is normal that you feel so. We know we will have to let them go at some point, but we are never ready. It is ok to feel what you feel, but looks like he is a responsible grown up man who know what he wants and he will be always grateful seeing your support, despite the tears you will cry when nobody sees. Wish them all the best and to you to momma.

BrendaSmall · 07/04/2026 20:19

I got married at 21 in 1988 and we’re still married now. So not everyone who marries young gets divorced!

ItTook9Years · 07/04/2026 20:28

Deadringer · 07/04/2026 19:57

@ItTook9Years 1990s, not in the UK

Context is everything.

Goldbar31 · 07/04/2026 20:30

I understand why you might feel sad but if you want to retain a close bond, I think you have to move on.

pinkyredrose · 07/04/2026 20:30

Nicewoman · 07/04/2026 18:19

Don’t care how young they marry. But changing his name. Out of the question, especially if your’s is an old distinguished name and her’s is something like Pratt, Dick, Tosser, etc where people marry to get rid of their name.

Show quote history

It's up to the son.

Ps. you don't need to be married to change your name.

PugMeeMaw · 07/04/2026 20:33

No, you’re not being unreasonable. It’s ok to be sad, to worry, all those emotions. Just keep them to yourself. You can’t change his decision, so share in his happiness.

Remember that they seem to be rushing it to you but to them they’ve already been together 7 years! As far as the name change, it’s not that unusual for young couples to start their new life with a new shared name. You never know, your last name may pop up as a grandchild’s first name.

pinkyredrose · 07/04/2026 20:36

VillageFete · 06/04/2026 23:20

I don’t understand why your son wants to change his surname to his soon to be wife’s mother’s maiden name. I find it odd.

I understand the soon to be wife wanting to keep her own name, or even changing her surname to that of her late mother’s, but can’t get my head around your son?

I understand OP. It does seem young in this day and age and you’re obviously quite surprised by their decision/decisions - but hopefully it all works out beautifully.

It's no stranger than women changing thier names to thier husbands fathers name.

SparklyLeader · 07/04/2026 20:36

This marriage will dissolve. When it does, during the divorce proceedings, make sure he 1) requests his previous surname be restored by the court, and 2) requests the court add his last name as a hyphenated surname to his children's names so he is not erased.

Lurkermumofadults · 07/04/2026 20:39

Believe me, if you had a son who will probably never have a relationship, let alone get married, you would be thinking very differently about this.

RoomToDream · 07/04/2026 20:42

I think him wanting to change his name is romantic. A different name that has emotional and cultural ties for her while allowing them to set up their own family unit is a lovely idea.

It is a sign that his new family will take precedence over the old. And that is as it should be. That doesn't mean shutting you out or loving you less, it's just a part of growing up.

I don't see what they are going to miss out on either. They don't sounds like the 'wild oats' type and they can travel if they want while they sort careers and finance. What other signifiers of youthful freedom are there?

I don't think logically there is anything to be sad about, beyond the usual reminder that kids grow up fast and no longer need you in the same way. And that is sad, of course it is, but it's also just the circle of life.

Kelly1969 · 07/04/2026 20:46

Not that young to marry considering how long they’ve been together.
Women are expected to give up their surnames all the time, what’s the big deal

Kelly1969 · 07/04/2026 20:48

Lurkermumofadults · 07/04/2026 20:39

Believe me, if you had a son who will probably never have a relationship, let alone get married, you would be thinking very differently about this.

What’s this comment got to do with OPs post?

ainsleysanob · 07/04/2026 20:48

SparklyLeader · 07/04/2026 20:36

This marriage will dissolve. When it does, during the divorce proceedings, make sure he 1) requests his previous surname be restored by the court, and 2) requests the court add his last name as a hyphenated surname to his children's names so he is not erased.

Aaaaand for what reason would 1) the marriage dissolve 2) would he want his old surname back 3) change the name of his children and 4) why would any of this have anything to do with OP to the degree that she should ‘make sure’ he does anything?