AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

I got married a couple of weeks after my 21st birthday and my husband was twenty two and a half. We were married just short of 49 years when he died. It was the best thing we ever could have done. We grew together and developed as a couple and individually.

No it’s not ! Her name is the one she was born with .

It’s their lives, theirs to live.

Haven't RTFT.

I met my DH at 17, married him when I was 21 and he was 24.

We're still together 23 years later and love the life we've created together. If our parents had voiced their unhappiness at our relationship or marriage it would have tarnished things for me.

You’re not sad at any of these things really, what you’re sad about is the next stage of life - a bit like when they start senior school you mourn the loss of plimsolls and walking them to school and doing projects and all through motherhood there are lasts - there’s the last time they ask if they can sleep out, the last time you pick them up from college - all decisions are final and it feels like each step forward for them is a step away from you and many many of us feel this too - but now is the time to start thinking about the firsts …. The first time your son will become a husband you gain a daughter in law, their first home, possibly a first grandchild in time.
life isn’t ending its enlarging it’s expanding and there’s so much joy to come, it’s ok to feel sad but let your excitement rise !!! Good times are coming for you all.

It will be ok.

Agree with you OP, we change so much over our lives and that can mean that relationships grow apart too. I think it’s ultimately upto him but I agree, I wouldn’t be getting married at 23. I guess it works for some though…

My husband and I kept our own names and our kids have his surname and my surname in that order hyphenated .

You should be happy for them both. 23/24 isn't that young and your son obviously has a sensible head on his shoulders. Not many people get to choose their own surname, but there is no reason why not.
Be happy for them, you have done your job and it sounds like you've done it well. Now they get to choose their own path and you should respect their choices. For what it's worth I think it's a rather lovely idea.😊

It is very young to be getting married by current trends but they have been together a long time. I can see why you’re concerned but it doesn’t mean all fun and freedom is over.

Re the name, unless you’d be equally disappointed about a daughter doing the same then you are being extremely unreasonable. Do you still have your origin name?

I do hope she is legally ringfencing any financial contribution if she will be solely funding a property purchase in the future and her religious beliefs don’t stop her doing this.

It is young op I think I would feel similar. However many people marry young and it lasts. I think I would be wary as I realise I did know myself when I married in my twenties. I would worry one of them may realise they have missed out on some experiences by settling down young. I would keep quiet and hope they have a happy marriage. The name situation wouldn’t worry me at all I think it’s quite refreshing.

Just curious. Do your daughters have the name you were born with? If not snd they have their fathers name then not wanting them to change names makes no sense.

They’ve been together a long a time. No reason they shouldn’t get married. I got married at 25 (husband 26) we had been together since we were 18/19. I wish we’d been able to get married sooner.

If It were a daughter changing her name would it bother you??

I think the name thing is a great idea. I often wish we had chosen a name that was not a patriarchal / inherited last name (but like having the same name for both parents and kids) without having to quadruple-barrel names. As for getting married at 23: it's the perfect age for being bonded to the love of your life. Will it end in divorce? Maybe. But that's true for all marriages whatever the age of the people entering into it.

I got married at 23, still very happy 25 years later. Sometimes you just find the right person early.

As for giving up his name - women have been giving up their name for centuries, are you equally upset about that? Would you be as upset if your daughter (real or hypothetical) gave up her name?

Don’t care how young they marry. But changing his name. Out of the question, especially if your’s is an old distinguished name and her’s is something like Pratt, Dick, Tosser, etc where people marry to get rid of their name.

Got married at the same age as your son, we were still both at uni. Started family shortly afterwards. When you know - you know, it is rare these days, in the age of fake feelings and online
distortion of all sorts - you should be happy for him OP.Life was tough at first, but at the same time it is so much easier when you are you growing up together. Our bond is unbreakable. The fact that both of our parents stood by our decision made us respect them more. We are in our early fourties now with established careers, lifestyle and do not have to deal with the stress of wedding, getting on a property ladder and small children anymore. Most of our contemporaries who married and started building their lives together in their mid thirties are under a lot more stress and pressure.

My brother and his wife got married at 23. Had kids in mid 20s, been lucky enough to take early retirement, kids flown the nest. They are both still in good health and living their best lives.
I think it’s the best way to do it!

Nobody bats an eye when women say this is why they are taking their husband’s name…….. Good for him.

I married at 23 and we’re still together nearly 26 years later. YABU to assume it will fail.

I got married at 21, my husband was 23 & this year we celebrate 44 years married. I know couples who got married in their 20s, 30s & 40s - some are still married others have split. Commitment & tolerance are needed in abundance whatever age you marry - having had their independence for a long time & being unable to compromise caused a split after a couple years with friends who married in their late 30s.

Christian marriages are among the most successful, and they often get married very young (by today’s standards).

My MIL was upset when her son registered at the same GP practice as his wife and child and left the one where she was registered.. And people are surprised you're upset about surname change.

I understand it's a huge change ❤️

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel sad about your son marrying so young and changing his surname which is quite unusual for a guy to do I would have thought. Perhaps this is a modern thing that more men are doing now. I would imagine these are natural feelings and without knowing all the information there might be lots of good reasons to feel this way. I hope he will be very happy, and try to remember there’s a lot worse things he could be doing. He sounds like he is a hard working and very committed young man. I hope you are able to accept his choices and enjoy the wedding and supporting him as he follows his own path. I regret changing my surname as I later divorced and I do wish that someone had talked me out of it. Professionally it was a bit of a headache charging my name back again. I was 25 when I married and looking back I was very young. I’m not sure if your son will feel the same way or if he will be glad he changed his name and married young. If he is sure it is what he wants then I guess you cannot change this. It’s ok to feel this way and I hope talking about it has helped.

I have a friend who is with her boyfriend from school. They have children and are now late thirties. They seem very happy. It sounds like you’ve raised an impressive young man.

Do you get a uniform to be a cheerleader for the patriarchy?

It isn’t, and absolutely shouldn’t be “out of the question” at all. Your attitude belongs in the 1850s.