AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

They are adults carving out their own lives- be proud you gave him the tools to know what he wants and reach for it.
Why are you worried about him changing his name?
Surely it's your husband's name anyhow- do you have an inheritance which goes with a name to pass onto your son?
If not I don't really see the problem.

Surely it's your husband's name anyhow- do you have an inheritance which goes with a name to pass onto your son?

Nope, it’s her name, regardless of whether she changed it on marriage.

What I’m getting from Mumsnet:

>“Young people should be able to get married, have properties and afford children”
>Couple does the above.
>“No, not like that!”

I agree with your sentiment, I think it’s lovely and this couple have been together for a while. In a way, I think the negativity is quite telling. Things like it will fail, he’ll get bored and want to have sex with other women, they’ll be limited and emotionally stunted… what kind of marriages do some of you have 😂😂

I wouldn't weep into my pillow over it but yeah, I would think it was a shame.

Why would you hyphenate anything? You just... get married. No one changes their name. No hyphenation required

I think she means that the children might be hyphenated

What name to the children have? Mum’s or dad’s?

So you’d need to hyphenate or own would be taken over the other.

Then the child with the hyphenated name marries and has children. Unless their children are going to have 3 surnames, somebody always has to compromise in that way.

Well you can choose, or combine. My kids have my name as that's what we chose..it's really no big deal

I was a bit sad when DD changed her name. But it's her choice and makes no appreciable difference in the day to day.
As far as the marriage goes in general, what would make you less sad? If he ended the relationship and was alone without the person who is so important to him? Or back out there trying to find alternative women for dates/a relationship? Because many young people find that a miserable and stressful experience.
Or living as a couple but not married? Because that wouldnt look much different.
If you feel he is tying himself into adult respiratory too soon, it's his career path that's the reason for that, not his relationship status. Being married is far less a barrier to seeing the world and having experiences than committing to a demanding career.

Then that’s on the children to decide when they have children. Maybe they each pick one of their double barrels to give to their children. So the kid of Mr Caravaggio-Jones and Ms Picasso-Smith is Smith-Jones (or whatever)

And it’s not the ‘gotcha!’ that the people who invariably post this appear to believe.

Ok, so your son is marrying a girl you like, he is happy, has finished uni and secured a training contract (not easy) and is on the path to becoming a solicitor. She is financially secure. How terrible! It seems their relationship has survived uni and her going travelling which are good signs.

As for the name, if you had a daughter they would more likely than not give it up.
Yes yabu. You know they can travel once they are married right? Assuming they want to of course.

Yes it is.

You (general sense) say you’d feel sad if family the name was supposedly lost.

But every single name changes between families. It is not possible to just ‘keep your own name’ and thats that. Someone always has to change their name at some point (some point being after 2 generations).

It’s just a really obscure thing for anyone to be bothered about

Not really- it's a choice to change your name on marriage , there is no legal push to do so.
Choosing to change your name is just that a choice, it's only your name by choice- why would you be in a rage to pass it on?

Well he isn’t hugely young and they’ve been together almost a decade already, it isn’t like he’s marrying someone he met a few months ago. I think it’s fine.

I got married at 22. It’s my 20th wedding anniversary this year. What exactly do you think it’s stopped me from doing?!

When we married husband and I both added on to form a D-B. I would never had changed to his name or added on had he not agreed to do the same.

Motherhood does funny things to us OP. He is young to be marrying so I understand your worries, though he sounds very settled and like it isn’t something they’ve rushed into at all.

Millions of women who have grandchildren through their daughters don’t share a surname with them and it’s all fine - you’ll absolutely not care if / when grandchildren come along and you get to enjoy them, whatever their names.

He sounds like a sensible lad in a well matched relationship with a stable future and goals. As you rightly say, you’re very proud. I think you can trust his decisions.

I’ve seen a groom take the brides names and the brides father and brother went mad, they didn’t want another ‘Mr Their name’ and took it very badly, the more they drank, they more vocal they got!

@PippaToryFripp We only had 16 guests at our wedding, but if anyone had taken offence at the fact we were Mr and Ms HisName-MyName they wouldn't have been worth the invite!

I think with the surname, I guess DS is my only son and I always imagined having the same surname as my grandchildren!

You've clearly raised forward-thinking young people so your daughters if you have them may keep your surname and share it with your children. Even if that doesn't happen you are still connected to grandchildren by blood, shared culture and family history and that's more powerful than a name.

DH and I got married when we were both 22. We are about to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary (and we were engaged after only 5 months of dating). Your imagination has nothing to do with the life they choose for themselves.

Yes, but that’s what the OP doesn’t like — that he’s tied himself down to a life of monogamy with the same person he’s been with since he was 15! That he has literally no basis for comparison, that he committed to the first person he ever went out with etc. I don’t think she’s unreasonable to have reservations about this. And I say this as someone who’s been with my DH since our teens.

It’s a massive turn off

This is meant in the kindest way. Maybe this is not exactly what you wanted for your son but he is happy and surely that is what is important. My son had a girlfriend at 16, they were together for 2 years and then she finished the relationship. He hasn’t had a relationship since and would love to have another girlfriend.

Don't worry. Almost half of UK marriages end in divorce. You can look forward to it.