AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

I am quite puzzled by how many people are talking about “would you expect her to take his name- if it was your daughter would you feel this about the name etc”. He isn’t taking her name (which despite all the commentary would in itself be unusual), he is taking his dead mother in law’s maiden name. That is quite weird.

Is she estranged from her father?

I thought you were going to say late teens! 23 isn’t bad at all and it’s his life. Can you try to be supportive of them rather than miserable?

I was 26 getting married and told DH that I would change my name if he did and it would have to be unrelated to either family. He didn’t want to, so neither of us changed our names. Married best part of 25 years and zero regrets. DD has my name and his as a middle name.

As someone who married young (21) he was (23) and has been married 23 years, the age doesn't matter however why is your surname more important than her mums? As long as they're both happy, would this be an issue if your daughter was getting married?

Hang on s monute he's obviously happy, healthy, going places.. content and changing his name not his personality. What on earth is there to be sad about? He's still your son to be proud of.

I met my now husband at 15 , bought house at 18, became a mum at 19 and married at 20. Still together been married 24 years 2 adult DS and a gorgeous GC. I know my DH would have taken my family name if I had asked. But I love my married name.

I had a baby young and have been with my dh since the age of 18, and would find it very odd if someone felt sad for me.

No different to me and DH picking any name and both changing to it. His wife to be wants to use that name and he wants the same name as his wife. Wouldn’t matter if she chose Smith, Bowie or Banana-Hammock.

Don't be sad, be happy for them. They have found their person in life, they are just lucky to have found it young. I was married at 23, and by 24 I was married with 3 kids under 3. That was 14 years ago. 😊

If she had changed her name by deed poll, would that name not be her name?

If she had been adopted as a child, would the adopted family’s name not be her name?

If she leaves her driving license at the scene of a crime, can she say to the police, “no, that’s not me, my name’s Jane Smith, here’s my birth certificate. I’m afraid my husband Mr Jones isn’t home just now.” Will that fly, as Jane Jones isn’t her name, despite all official documentation that says it is?

Are you, perhaps, on glue?

Young? 23 isn't young. Granted many if at all, arent getting married until late 20s, early 30s, however I don't see what your problem is.

They been together 7 years so it's a natural transition. It's hardly as it they are irresponsible and don't know each other. How old were you when you got married?

It's a name too. It doesn't matter. They are happy, healthy, and in your lives.

I think your more likely in living grief as to "where have the years flown" than anything.

The alternative is? It isn't worth thinking about or bearable. Enjoy and get web touring for your mom of the groom outfit.

I had great fun with that making a Pinterest board of my likes, and putting outfits together for my two sons weddings

There are a lot worse things your DS could be doing! And a lot worse women he could have decided to get involved with. I get why you think they seem too young but hopefully they will prove you wrong.

My sibling has been with their partner since they were 18. They married at 30, but were as good as married at 24 (bought their first home). Both doctors. Both now in their late forties. Very happy. So YABU, some people find their person young and don’t want to play the field.

YABVU about the name thing. How sexist. I bet you’d be fine with her changing her name to his. All these “family names” are equally meaningless. At least they’ve found one they both love. Stop being jealous.

Well, to be fair, pretty much everyone of my generation got married at that age! And most of my friends of my age are still married to those they wed in their early twenties.
Had my DH not died, we'd just have celebrated 47 years together.

I get you OP and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I married young (around the same age as your son) and although we’re still together, I often wonder what if…? My parents were religious and insisted on marriage, they would have gone ballistic if DH and I had lived together.
We all worry about our children, even when they’re adults, but part of being a parent is cutting the cord and letting them make their own decisions. Who knows whether your DS is making the right decision, but I’m sure you’ll be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong. I can see what you mean about the name change too. I think we all (as parents) imagine what things will be like when our kids grow up…but sometimes those well-meaning fantasies don’t become reality. Harsh I know (from experience), but true. Take care x

Got married at 22, it’s our 40th next year!

As someone who married at 21, I don’t think YABU. Marriage lasted 2 years.

I don’t think my xh is a bad man and we’re still civil but in hindsight, we were both too young. He was older at 26.

I do look back and think had we married older, we probably would have stayed together longer.

I would hope my dc don’t follow my mistake.

I think with the surname, I guess DS is my only son and I always imagined having the same surname as my grandchildren!

Really, this is something you’ve actually thought about? I find that incredible and odd

It seems you’ve raised a fine young man that anyone would be proud of. He and his fiancée have maintained a strong and loving relationship for a long time. The name changing is a bit unusual, but not unheard of. I think your grief is actually about the fact that your son is an independent adult and not just your boy. It is a loss and yet an achievement. To feel a bit sad is okay. But do NOT share that with your son and his fiancée. DON’T. Instead, be gracious, celebrate their marriage, encourage them in any way possible without being intrusive. You will still be very important to him. As the mother of an adult son, I promise that he will still need you, just in different ways.

Comparison of what? Kissing style? Sex? Why does there need to be comparison of things?

@Cathryoi YABU. They’ve been together for 7 years already. They’re not too young to get married. I was 20 and DH was 22. Married 25 years so far. Your DS has grown up. Get on board with that, be happy for him and get to know his fiancé better.

Exactly this and for such a lovely way to honour and remember her late mother who sadly will not be there throughout their lives.

Excellent point, that thought came into my head too. Doesn't matter what age you are when you marry, they could be in their 30's and divorce within 5 years. None of us can predict our future, we just roll with what makes us happy.

My son got married at 26 and he's still alive

No . A bake by marriage has a significance and not a great one historically. So not the same at all

Even then, it's STILL entirely fine, because it's his choice.