AIBU to to not invite my best friend’s partner to the wedding due to past behaviour? (Still getting evening invite)

[TheBlueRobin]

I’m writing out wedding invitations I’m unsure how to handle one situation.

One of my best friends from school is someone I absolutely want there for the full day. We’ve stayed close having been friends for 20 years. I’m not having bridesmaids, but she’s one of my closest people.

Her partner is where I’m struggling. I can't even bear to write his name on the invitation envelope. I only gave a Save the Date to her months ago saying that venue numbers were tight but I'd let her know about her partner when invites came out.

They’ve been together for seven years, so this isn’t a new relationship. They live about 4 hours away, so I’ve only met him a couple of times, and I’ve genuinely tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve never said anything negative about him to anyone except my partner.

However, when they came to ours for a BBQ and stayed the weekend, he was:

• Rude
• Sexist
• Talking over people
• Not very nice to my friend, who was 5 months pregnant at the time
• Drinking heavily
• Helping himself to alcohol from our cabinet without asking
• Getting louder and more brash as the event went on

The morning after, another friend (who had never met them before) quietly asked if my school friend was okay, because she’d noticed some signs that made her wonder about the relationship. She works as a support worker, so she’s trained to spot these things. For clarity: the couple are still together and as far as I know there are no current issues.

Separately, another school friend met up with them as they happened to be in the same bit of the UK. They met for a coffee (so no alcohol involved). She messaged me afterwards to say she found him insufferable and difficult to talk to. I hadn’t shared my own opinion with her, so she came to that conclusion independently.

My concern is that at a wedding — a long day, with alcohol flowing — his behaviour could get worse as the day goes on. I don’t want anyone stuck on a table with someone who might be unpleasant or dominating the conversation.

Our wedding is only 50–60 people, and there are already people we can’t invite to the day because of numbers. We are inviting 20-30 more to the evening.

I’m considering inviting my friend to the full day and her partner to the evening only.

My friend is warm, friendly, outgoing, and can chat to anyone, especially when drinks are flowing. She will know a few people from school and the hen and knows some of my family so I think she will be fine.

But is that unreasonable?

Is it rude to invite other partners all day but not him?

Or is it fair to make decisions based on behaviour and the atmosphere we want for the day?

AIBU?

I wouldn’t. You’ve only met him a handful of times anyway and have limited numbers which is a good excuse not invite him.

This is a tricky one but I’d say invite him to the evening if at all. If you can’t tell her why truthfully then just use the numbers excuse. At the end of the day this is YOUR wedding and you can be as ‘selfish’ as you like, it’s the one time you really can be.

The last thing you want on your special day is being worried about one person who you don’t really want there anyway.

If you're inviting other partners it would be rude not to invite him and could have a negative impact on your friendship. I think you need to either invite him or not invite other partners of friends.

Tough one though.

It sounds as if the friendship is not with ‘the couple’ but with her alone, so I think it’s acceptable not to invite him (at all, tbh, but certainly to not ask him to the day).

I would also be keeping an eye open for signs of abuse. Your friend may not be aware, or able to say anything by herself, but you could make sure to check in on her frequently.

All the above answers are entirely reasonable, but fundamentally there is still a good chance that if you don’t invite him to the same bits as her, neither of them will come. It’s up to you to balance which would upset you more - not having her there or at all, or having both of them.

I would just not invite him at all and just say you couldn’t make the numbers work.

It's going to be very obvious if everyone else is invited as a couple and her other half isn't? Also if they live four hours away I think to invite evening only is going to look really rude. If you friend is happy with him and you are as close as you say, I think you need to invite him.

Except the friend will see that’s a lie when she sees other friends there with it partners.

If they’re such good friends as op says, I am sure she will understand OPs reasonings if questioned further.

do you think, especially given your friend has a young child, she’ll attend alone? 4 hours is a long way to attend for an evening only invite, would he encourage her to not go?

Invite who you want but you will Piss her off massively.

If other partners are there it is going to be really obvious you've left him out deliberately if she's supposedly your best friend. It will probably be the end of the friendship.

Either you speak to her about his behaviour and explain why he's not invited or you invite both. You can't just invite her without saying anything. An evening invite for someone who lives 4 hours away is not really an invite.

You think she will understand when her friend says she didn't invite her partner of 7 years, father of her child, with whom she is presumably happy, because she thinks he's rude, sexist, drinks to much and is too loud and overbearing? After she met him a couple of times? Honestly I don't see that ending well

Yabu because she's made her bed and he's lying in it so they are a pair so you can't invite her for the full day and not him if they are travelling 4 hours together.

I wouldn't put her in the position of having to explain to him that he's only being partially tolerated and tbh I'd just tell her you love her, but you're concerned for her because he's just so awful and you don't want him to come to any part of it so think it's better she comes alone or not at all. Let her decide how to react to it.

But no, I don't think you can partially invite him, you just need to be honest with her and let the cards fall as they may.

Could you invite her and another female friend as a joint invitation? Someone you know she’d love to catch up with?

If he’s really abusive I doubt he will let her go alone, and even if he does he’s likely to make her life incredibly difficult for it.
I think you need to invite him for her sake if you want her to come

I get that the guy sounds like a bit of a dick, but there is something really controlling and toxic about taking a dislike to your friend’s partner to the extent that you make your friend chose between you and them.

If the man was violent, a drug user etc, I could understand your point. But he just sounds like a dick. And people like him are easily ignored.

It doesn’t sound like you have much respect for your friend by putting her in this position.

Evening only for him.
She’ll be relieved I would imagine and perhaps he won’t even come. Blame numbers.

That’s a great idea. I went to a wedding of an old friend with another mutual old friend as numbers were v tight and had a brilliant time. My DP didn’t mind at all as they wouldn’t have known many people and friends DP was delighted to not have to go to another wedding!
We had a cracking time. Shared a room, were each others + 1 and there were quite a few Uni friends who had also come alone.

You can't invite one person from a couple to a full day event and the other person evening only. You're spelling out that he's less than she is, plus it's a 4 hour journey.
Either invite them both for the full day, or just invite her.

I would be surprised if her partner came so far just for the evening- so your friend might not come either. You may lose a friend - I would invite them both if I wanted to keep the friendship.

No you can’t if other partners are there all day. Carefully pick who they are sat next to…. He might not come if he stays at home for childcare. If you care about your friend carrying on being a friend.

Really? I would not be at all impressed with a friend telling me she didn’t invite my DP because she didn’t like him but invited others in a similar situation. I would definitely be rethinking the friendship.

This.

Could you ask her if she would like to attend alone? Would she know anyone there? You could make up a story that a couple of friends mentioned they'd love to attend without their partners so they could be child free, and wondered if she would like to do the same. Would she believe you? If she's very much against it then, giving they live far away, I think he may need to be invited to the full day. Put them on a table with people you think could easily ignore if he starts being obnoxious. He'll make himself look a twat all by himself and you can just ignore him and enjoy your big day. There's always one at every wedding, and its sometimes someone you wouldn't expect!