AIBU to to not invite my best friend’s partner to the wedding due to past behaviour? (Still getting evening invite)

[TheBlueRobin]

I’m writing out wedding invitations I’m unsure how to handle one situation.

One of my best friends from school is someone I absolutely want there for the full day. We’ve stayed close having been friends for 20 years. I’m not having bridesmaids, but she’s one of my closest people.

Her partner is where I’m struggling. I can't even bear to write his name on the invitation envelope. I only gave a Save the Date to her months ago saying that venue numbers were tight but I'd let her know about her partner when invites came out.

They’ve been together for seven years, so this isn’t a new relationship. They live about 4 hours away, so I’ve only met him a couple of times, and I’ve genuinely tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve never said anything negative about him to anyone except my partner.

However, when they came to ours for a BBQ and stayed the weekend, he was:

• Rude
• Sexist
• Talking over people
• Not very nice to my friend, who was 5 months pregnant at the time
• Drinking heavily
• Helping himself to alcohol from our cabinet without asking
• Getting louder and more brash as the event went on

The morning after, another friend (who had never met them before) quietly asked if my school friend was okay, because she’d noticed some signs that made her wonder about the relationship. She works as a support worker, so she’s trained to spot these things. For clarity: the couple are still together and as far as I know there are no current issues.

Separately, another school friend met up with them as they happened to be in the same bit of the UK. They met for a coffee (so no alcohol involved). She messaged me afterwards to say she found him insufferable and difficult to talk to. I hadn’t shared my own opinion with her, so she came to that conclusion independently.

My concern is that at a wedding — a long day, with alcohol flowing — his behaviour could get worse as the day goes on. I don’t want anyone stuck on a table with someone who might be unpleasant or dominating the conversation.

Our wedding is only 50–60 people, and there are already people we can’t invite to the day because of numbers. We are inviting 20-30 more to the evening.

I’m considering inviting my friend to the full day and her partner to the evening only.

My friend is warm, friendly, outgoing, and can chat to anyone, especially when drinks are flowing. She will know a few people from school and the hen and knows some of my family so I think she will be fine.

But is that unreasonable?

Is it rude to invite other partners all day but not him?

Or is it fair to make decisions based on behaviour and the atmosphere we want for the day?

AIBU?

if she knows others there def don’t invite him at all.

she will absolutely know what a twat he is and hopefully this will help her develop the evidence we usually need to leave such oafs.

That’s not forcing her to choose.

People being so utterly pathetic they cannot attend an event without their partner is not “forcing them to choose” between a friend and a partner.

But as I said above people become very irrational when it comes to wedding invites.

Weddings cost money. Unless you are paying for it, how couples choose to manage their guest list is for the couple to decide.

Hard disagree.

The OP wants to invite her longstanding friend to her wedding.
The friend is in a relationship with someone who is unable to behave appropriately in social situations. Even her own parents won't allow him in the house.

On a day to day basis, the OP doesn't see them because they now live about 4 hours apart so it doesn't come up. So there is no choosing.

The OP's friend has the choice of going to stay with her parents for a night and seeing he friend get married, no doubt catching up with OP's family and old friends from back in the day on her own or choosing not to attend the wedding.

That is not the same thing at all as 'choosing between he friend and her partner'. It is just accepting that, due to the fact she has chosen to be with someone who can't conduct himself in a social situation, the invitations she gets are likely to be just for her, or not at all. She's already made the choice of being with her partner despite his behaviour.

I voted YABU because you run the risk of your friend chosing between you and your partner and could potentially lose an important friendship.

You’re not reading what I am saying. Try rereading.

That’s exactly what you said.

”would not be at all impressed with a friend telling me she didn’t invite my DP because she didn’t like him but invited others in a similar situation. I would definitely be rethinking the friendship.”

No I did not say I would rethink the friendship if a friend didn’t like my DP. I said I would if they didn’t invite him because they didn’t like him but invited others in a similar situation. Quite different. I don’t particularly like the dps of all my friends and I’m sure some are not fans of my DP. That is completely fine and normal. Inviting everyone else’s DP and excluding mine is a very different situation.

OP has not said she is inviting other partners she dislikes. She hasn’t even said all other partners are invited (quite the opposite).

You have just made that up.

But they aren't inviting others "in a similar situation".
the B&G are only inviting people who know how to behave themselves in social situations. That really isn't an unreasonable line to draw.

I'm sure we've all got friends who have partners we wouldn't be friends with if they weren't our friend's partner, but there is a HUGE difference between someone being a bit dull or boring or non-descript, or tight with money or something, and someone who drinks too much and is loud and boorish and downright rude to people. That is the issue.

Also just to clarify, I'm not saying I think all the partners of my friends are the best people ever with no faults, some aren't my favourite people ever but I've spent time with them and know there is no issue having them as a wedding guest.

The difference here is I don't think my friend's partner knows how to conduct himself and lacks the self awareness to manage his own behaviour.

Perhaps reread the thread. The op only clarified that other partners weren’t invited after I posted that.

In her op she asked: “it rude to invite other partners all day but not him?” which certainly implies that others in the same situation were invited. So no, I’m not the one making things up.

I wouldn't invite him at all, he sounds like a wedding ruined in a single person

Personally, I would just be honest to your friend given that even your friend's parents cannot stand the guy. None of this "can make the numbers work stuff". Can't be doing with these white lies and there's a chance your friend will see that for the lie it is anyway. This is your day, one that will have cost you an absolute fortune, and if your friend thinks that him being there with his crap behaviour is more important that your day going well then... she's not much of a friend is she?

Maybe not but the friend is unlikely to see it like that. She will see the partners of all the others there but hers excluded because the op doesn’t like him.

That said, the op has since clarified that other partners are not invited so a more diplomatic way of not inviting him is possible.

The issue here is how your friend will see it. If you tell her it’s because he can’t behave she is likely to see it as judgement on her for choosing him. But if, as you have since clarified, there are other friends in the same category who are not invited you can leave him out in a diplomatic way.

Maybe not but the friend is unlikely to see it like that. She will see the partners of all the others there but hers excluded because the op doesn’t like him.

and as this is clearly a pattern (did you see the bit about her own parents not letting him in their house?), then perhaps one day she might do a bit of self reflection.

Back in the day when evening invites were perfectly acceptable, me and DH were only invited to the evening do, despite me being a very good (as in housemate) friend of the bride. Big family tho, so understood and when people dropped out, her mum suggested I came to the main reception and DH toddled off for a walk in the local area.

Honestly, if he can't be trusted, don't invite him to the main do. Hopefully, you'll only get married once and you don't want to be treading on eggshells. If you invite him to the evening do, have people available who can deal with him.

I have read the thread. Nowhere in OP’s first post did she claim that other partners, that she dislikes are invited. She did not even state all other partners are invited.

You made that up.

You keep telling others to “read the thread”. Maybe you should have taken that advice instead of inventing scenarios.

Edit: Sorry OP did state in her post others are invited all day and then clarified. But that brings back to you would reconsider a friendship because your partner was not invited to a wedding others were invited to ultimately because your friend has an issue with your partner.

Which is still you rethinking a friendship because your friend dislikes your partner. Which is crazy.

Thing is, you post (or send electronically) the invitation only.
You don't ever send a covering letter, explaining why anyone else is NOT invited. So that's what the OP should do - post an invitation to her friend.

Friend can then choose to
a) accept
b) decline
c) contact the bride and ask why partner isn't invited. But, as she knows how he behaved so badly (and clearly this isn't the only example of that behaviour) then I doubt if she will ask, as she will know the answer in her heart of hearts, without asking.

“Is it rude to invite other partners all day but not him?” most certainly suggests that all other partners are invited. So no, I made nothing up. I made a reasonable inference from a statement made in the op.

edited in response to your edit - so rereading was helpful to your comprehension then.

And no, a friend not liking my partner is quite different to excluding only my partner because she dislikes him. As I said, I’m sure not all my friends like my partner and vice versa but none of us would single out one couple if all other couples were invited.

You did make up the part about their being other partners she dislikes being invited though.

Except I didn’t say that. You made that bit up.

I referred to couples in the same situation. That is friends where they didn’t really know the partner etc. I’m sure there are probably some partners the op doesn’t like in that category too but that’s irrelevant really.

You interpreted that as meaning only partners the op doesn’t like.

Anyway, I’m done engaging with you. You’re determined to put words in my mouth and I can’t be arsed with that.

The husband of your friend isn’t your friend or your fiancés friend. Only invite people who are close family and friends who you actually see and LIKE and WANT to be at your wedding!! If your friend questions why her dh hasn’t an invite tell her that only close family and friends are invited and he’s not your friend he’s her husband. It’s a small wedding. She surely will understand that. If he pushes to have more info tell him bluntly it’s his personality and behaviour that is the reason he’s not invited as you don’t want your wedding ruined by guests leaving early because of him - because it WILL happen!

Invite him to the evening party where there is alcohol? I wouldn't. He is even more likely to be an arsehole after alcohol.

Id invite only the friend. She either comes or she doesnt.

It always seems odd to me when people have these very good friends they don't seem to be able to talk to.

Surely you need to talk to your friend about the dilemma you find yourself in. My gut feeling is you'll be putting your friend in an impossible position if you invite her all day and her partner of 7 years only in the evening, but only she can tell you if that's true