AIBU to to not invite my best friend’s partner to the wedding due to past behaviour? (Still getting evening invite)

[TheBlueRobin]

I’m writing out wedding invitations I’m unsure how to handle one situation.

One of my best friends from school is someone I absolutely want there for the full day. We’ve stayed close having been friends for 20 years. I’m not having bridesmaids, but she’s one of my closest people.

Her partner is where I’m struggling. I can't even bear to write his name on the invitation envelope. I only gave a Save the Date to her months ago saying that venue numbers were tight but I'd let her know about her partner when invites came out.

They’ve been together for seven years, so this isn’t a new relationship. They live about 4 hours away, so I’ve only met him a couple of times, and I’ve genuinely tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve never said anything negative about him to anyone except my partner.

However, when they came to ours for a BBQ and stayed the weekend, he was:

• Rude
• Sexist
• Talking over people
• Not very nice to my friend, who was 5 months pregnant at the time
• Drinking heavily
• Helping himself to alcohol from our cabinet without asking
• Getting louder and more brash as the event went on

The morning after, another friend (who had never met them before) quietly asked if my school friend was okay, because she’d noticed some signs that made her wonder about the relationship. She works as a support worker, so she’s trained to spot these things. For clarity: the couple are still together and as far as I know there are no current issues.

Separately, another school friend met up with them as they happened to be in the same bit of the UK. They met for a coffee (so no alcohol involved). She messaged me afterwards to say she found him insufferable and difficult to talk to. I hadn’t shared my own opinion with her, so she came to that conclusion independently.

My concern is that at a wedding — a long day, with alcohol flowing — his behaviour could get worse as the day goes on. I don’t want anyone stuck on a table with someone who might be unpleasant or dominating the conversation.

Our wedding is only 50–60 people, and there are already people we can’t invite to the day because of numbers. We are inviting 20-30 more to the evening.

I’m considering inviting my friend to the full day and her partner to the evening only.

My friend is warm, friendly, outgoing, and can chat to anyone, especially when drinks are flowing. She will know a few people from school and the hen and knows some of my family so I think she will be fine.

But is that unreasonable?

Is it rude to invite other partners all day but not him?

Or is it fair to make decisions based on behaviour and the atmosphere we want for the day?

AIBU?

He doesn't sound like someone you would want at your wedding – especially as it is quite a small occasion.

Equally tho as others say, if they live four hours away, what are they going to do? Either drive separately or come in the same car and then he has to amuse himself for several hours. And then come to the do in the evening?

Tbh I would invite just her. I don’t see how you really give an evening invite to someone four hours away. So you either invite both (but I can see why you don't want to) or just her. You don’t really want him at the evening do either I think? especially if he has had five hours to sit about in a hotel room drinking (possibly?).

If other friend's partners will be there you can't really say "sorry we couldn't invite partners” so you may need to tell her why. But maybe say nothing unless she asks. Does she have an idea how you feel about him?

But not your relationship?

I have a friend with a partner like this; he actually spoils situations for other people. His behaviour toward my friend is abusive, and everyone is supposed to just ignore it?

Fuck that shit. If you have a partner who nobody can stand, there’s usually a very good reason.

Perhaps he won't go if it's an evening only invite and it's 4 hours away!

These were my thoughts. Plenty of people are dicks, and everyone had a few people at their wedding they worried might kick off. There seems to be a huge amount of thought going into this one quite distant unknown person.

that said, I think it’s fine not to invite him at all, on the basis that you don’t know him, he’s not really a friend and noone will come 4 hours for an evening invite.

Your wedding , your decision who to invite but this friend is going to notice that all the other friends have their partners with them all day and will likely take offence at that , nobody like being singled out .

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that in the first place However, that is not the point. If she is happy in the relationship telling her you think her DP is a dick won’t go down well. If the op is concerned her friend is in an abusive relationship, this is not the way to address it.

If they live 4 hours away, I wouldn’t invite her to the day and him to the evening, no. What are you anticipate happening-them travelling all that way together but then him waiting outside (or in the pub alone?) all day for her whilst he waits for 7pm?!

Woukd you send one invite for her for the day and then another for the evening just for him? Chances are she’ll ring you to ask why you’ve done this. What will you say?

I’d just invite them both to the day, both to the evening or not at all. Or, you know actually tell her how you feel about him.

What’s he meant to do all day until the evening? Where will their child be? I think it’s a very bad idea and extremely rude and hurtful to your friend. You give the partner ammunition against you if that’s something he’s after.

Thanks to everyone for insights and seeing how this could play out. Some things to clarify

• we live four hours away from each other but actually getting married in our hometown, 2 hours in between. If he didn't come, my friend could probably stay locally with her family as they won't let him stay
• not ALL other partners are invited but many others are evening only. Again because of numbers. We have invited both people in the couple where we know both of them well or that person would be on their own otherwise. She is neither
• I don't think there is anything wrong with evening invites but MN seems really offended by them. I went to a uni friend's wedding 3 hours away and partner was invited to the evening as he didn't know them that well. He went to the pub beforehand with a few of the other evening people, it was fine?

Also we're having a child free wedding anyway. Their toddler would stay at home and be looked after by her MiL, which is what happens as they go away a lot anyway. Not a concern.

Whatever his faults, she's been with him 7 years and has at least one child with him. Of course you have to invite him if you want to stay friends and not piss her off!

One of my colleagues invited us all (girls in the office) to her whole day wedding and then invited partners and kids to the night do. My partner didn’t come as the night do was 7:30pm, he’d had the kids all day they were a lot younger and by 7pm they were getting ready for bed anyway let alone get 3 little ones ready for a late disco!! She was a bit upset they weren’t coming but I said it’s too late for them and that if anything, the daytime would have worked better for them but she said she couldn’t do that because of numbers.
my DP didn’t mind at all he’d never even met her properly, only in passing but some other people kicked off and said it was rude!

I think tho as you’re inviting “some” partners from the same group and not her partner that’s really awkward.
it needs to be all partners or no partners in the day.

“Not ALL other partners are invited but many others are evening only. Again because of numbers. We have invited both people in the couple where we know both of them well or that person would be on their own otherwise. She is neither”

That’s a bit of a drip feed…

Talk to her. Tell her that numbers are tight and that there won't be an invite for her DH. I wouldn't invite him to the evening do - he might spend all day in the pub and cause more trouble in the evening.

If he is on here...he will be complaining about it and getting great support.

It works if your friend doesn't mind and you are inviting other friends without their partners, so they have a table for themselves.

Otherwise it's a bit off.
I wouldn't expect you to spend much time with one guest you hardly know so it shouldn't affect your day too much either way.

Is it? I was just clarifying because people thought he was only one that was evening only.

She might mean you are inviting people you barely know but aren't inviting your best friends long term partner.

Not inviting long term partners/spouses is rude. Tossing him an evening invite doesn’t make for that.

Yes because your op asked “Is it rude to invite other partners all day but not him?” That certainly implied he was the only one in that friendship category who would be excluded.

Yes, I agree.
Plus it's not that "MN hates evening invites" it's that they can cause rather than solve problems, as in this instance.

How do you know that her parents won’t let him stay at their house?

If she’s told you that - and the reason is his behaviour - then it would confirm my decision not to include him - I also wouldn’t include him in the evening as he may have been drinking all day and turn up pissed.

I would just say it’s numbers.

Not sure about MN hating evening invites but I know I do.

The only time I have ever gone to an evening do we felt like such an afterthought. Everyone was hammered (not much food in the day) and the couple were busy with photos when we arrived. Tables covered in belongings and plates, cake stand half empty of cupcakes, everything looked picked over. It was icky, like arriving to a house party at 10.30pm when everyone else has been there since 8 and there's no wine left. I spent the evening chatting and drinking with a group of half a dozen friends, but I could just as well have done that in the pub.

Anyway that's not the point. It wasn;t clear @TheBlueRobin that the wedding was only 2 hours away. So she could come by train and maybe he could drive later, not drink and take them both home? Or are you imagining a group of other halves just sitting in the pub for five hours all afternoon? I think that's the oddest element tbh.

You can't invite some other halves to only the evening do. If it's a couple, all or nothing.

She has told me that herself. Her parents can barely be in the same room as him. Her Mum is quite intense so when she told me that I took it with a pinch of salt and then I've met him a few times since and can see why he wouldn't be welcome.

I don’t understand the dilemma- surely whether he’s lovely or awful, he very clearly comes under the criteria for partners not being invited for the day, along with the rest of them?