AIBU to to not invite my best friend’s partner to the wedding due to past behaviour? (Still getting evening invite)

[TheBlueRobin]

I’m writing out wedding invitations I’m unsure how to handle one situation.

One of my best friends from school is someone I absolutely want there for the full day. We’ve stayed close having been friends for 20 years. I’m not having bridesmaids, but she’s one of my closest people.

Her partner is where I’m struggling. I can't even bear to write his name on the invitation envelope. I only gave a Save the Date to her months ago saying that venue numbers were tight but I'd let her know about her partner when invites came out.

They’ve been together for seven years, so this isn’t a new relationship. They live about 4 hours away, so I’ve only met him a couple of times, and I’ve genuinely tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve never said anything negative about him to anyone except my partner.

However, when they came to ours for a BBQ and stayed the weekend, he was:

• Rude
• Sexist
• Talking over people
• Not very nice to my friend, who was 5 months pregnant at the time
• Drinking heavily
• Helping himself to alcohol from our cabinet without asking
• Getting louder and more brash as the event went on

The morning after, another friend (who had never met them before) quietly asked if my school friend was okay, because she’d noticed some signs that made her wonder about the relationship. She works as a support worker, so she’s trained to spot these things. For clarity: the couple are still together and as far as I know there are no current issues.

Separately, another school friend met up with them as they happened to be in the same bit of the UK. They met for a coffee (so no alcohol involved). She messaged me afterwards to say she found him insufferable and difficult to talk to. I hadn’t shared my own opinion with her, so she came to that conclusion independently.

My concern is that at a wedding — a long day, with alcohol flowing — his behaviour could get worse as the day goes on. I don’t want anyone stuck on a table with someone who might be unpleasant or dominating the conversation.

Our wedding is only 50–60 people, and there are already people we can’t invite to the day because of numbers. We are inviting 20-30 more to the evening.

I’m considering inviting my friend to the full day and her partner to the evening only.

My friend is warm, friendly, outgoing, and can chat to anyone, especially when drinks are flowing. She will know a few people from school and the hen and knows some of my family so I think she will be fine.

But is that unreasonable?

Is it rude to invite other partners all day but not him?

Or is it fair to make decisions based on behaviour and the atmosphere we want for the day?

AIBU?

My Dd did this with a distant family member, her partner is an absolute twat. DD just invited the family members and partners came at night, I don't know if he was pleased or not but he came and "behaved".

I think you should just do what you like it is your wedding say it is a numbers constraint, and leave it at that.

You could get lucky and he stays at home with the toddler!

I wouldn't invite him. My cousin's husband is obnoxious, in fact he sounds very similar to your friend's partner, and last year he out-obnoxioused himself at a family wedding (I may have invented a new term there!). I don't think the bride and groom were aware, but people were moving tables to get away from him. My cousin, his wife, left after the afternoon reception because he was being so awful. Your friend must know how unlikeable her partner is, hopefully your friendship will survive any bad feeling at his lack of invitation.

Yeah I see what you mean. I think I have a blindspot as it is such a longstanding friendship whereas others I know there won't be any drama or issues with partners being invited to the evening.

I am inviting someone else from school and their partner so that is a point of comparison but equally in that scenario we've spent a lot of time with them as a couple.

Gosh that sounds very similar. At the bbq I mentioned in my OP, people were moving down the garden not to be near him as he was so obnoxious and loud and awful. My friend was mortified by his behaviour.

Just invite them both. Surely there will be enough people there, plus it's a wedding, so he'll modify his behaviour? Unless he's completely off the scale.

You either need to have her seated with other joint friends who also won’t have partners coming or you need to bite the bullet and invite him.

So no-one said "mate, calm down!" or anything?

Some people don't though especially if there is alll day booze, and if he is obnoxious he doesn't think he is obnoxious as he will have zero self awareness.

Yes my cousin is always embarrassed by him. I have no idea why she puts up with him but I suspect it's money related. Some of the things he comes out with are just awful. He told me that compared to the women on the dance floor, I was at best a 4 and "your arse is not a patch on theirs". I didn't tell DH until later or I'd have had to physically restrain him!

Yeah, I'm just wondering if it's a wedding it might modify him? I've no idea genuinely how he's likely to behave.

Maybe you should have told DH! These men get away with it because no-one says anything.

Can you be honest with her?? You said she was as mortified so you may be able to say why. I’d be worried he’d ruin the evening if he came to that. So I’d maybe think about no invite?!

I’m of the ‘your day, your choice’ brigade.

I’ve known others who have had to invite so and so because it’s the done thing, or let’s not upset the neighbours, Auntie Joyce wont be happy etc etc. On YOUR wedding day which is about you and your DH.

Whether there are couple there or not, it’s your bloody choice.

The only caveat I would add is that you’re either prepared to tell your friend in advance of your reasons, or risk her not coming at all. She’s clearly aware of his behaviour regardless.

I wouldn't invite him at all.
I think you are murkying the waters by thinking of inviting him in the evening.

As long as she will be with other people she knows, then invite her on her own.

If he didn't come, my friend could probably stay locally with her family as they won't let him stay
Having read this, then it clearly isn't going to come as any surprise to her that he's not welcome socially, is it ?
But if she asks, you can just say due to numbers / budget you are only asking people that you both know and see regularly. It isn't that strange that some partners are invited and others aren't. Lots (most?) couples getting married have rules around not inviting people they don't see, or people they don't both know well.

If you can spin this on a ‘limited numbers’ angle, I’d invite her alone.
She already knows her DM takes issue with him, and was mortified at his behaviour at a barbecue.
She may quietly welcome a solo invitation. Her chance to relax and enjoy your day without the anxiety of waiting for him to become a boorish embarrassment.
I hope all goes well for you.

It would be very strange if everyone else but her partner was invited. But I can understand why you don’t want to. Is there definitely no chance of talking to her about it?

I doubt that would work when she sees the other friends partners have been invited to the whole event. This partner isn't a new one they have been together 7 years and they have a child and they live 4 hours away.
I think she has to be honest about why he isn't invited to the whole thing or invite him to the whole event.

She can hardly say ‘because he’s a boorish wanker’ though can she????

You do not want to be worrying about how he will behave on your wedding day, do not invite him at all and use numbers as the reason why.

This may or may not help!

One of my really close friends who always said when she got married I would be a bridesmaid met a guy about three years ago... ironically the first time I met him was at a BBQ at their place. He was - without doubt - the biggest tosspot I have ever met. Who says: "I would definitely be a drug dealer for the money if I didn't have kids". Arsehole right? And then proceeded to be generally a total pig to me.

Couldn't handle his drink to the extent that I stayed over on the sofa as I was worried he might get violent and was scared for my friend. Also I am a chunky ex-rugby player you're not going to beat me up.

I got a taxi home very early in the morning and the taxi driver - when I gave the house number - said he would pick me up at the end of the street. Ok, weird, but ok. When I got in the cab he said: "Oh I was worried it was a cab for the man."

Apparently this guy - who doesn't drive - takes cabs everywhere and is rude and obnoxious. No surprise to me in all honestly but who gets blacklisted from a cab company?!

They got married last year - I saw it on instagram - she doesn't speak to me anymore at all. Because I told her over text that he was an absolute pig and she could do better. Her response was: "I told him he should apologise to you, but he doesn't remember it...." That was the last thing she ever sent to me.

Moral of the story: some people are idiots. Don't let their monkeys be part of your circus. DON'T INVITE HIM TO ANY BIT OF YOUR CELEBRATIONS!

I would not invite him to any of it and would use numbers / cost as an excuse.

However people become very irrational over wedding invites so be prepared for her to have an issue with it.

She hasn’t made her friend choose between them.

You would rethink a friendship because your friend does not like your partner?!?!?!

She has, though.

”You can come but your partner can’t because he’s a dick” is forcing the friend to make a choice.

She will chose her partner, no doubt about it.