AIBU to to not invite my best friend’s partner to the wedding due to past behaviour? (Still getting evening invite)

[TheBlueRobin]

I’m writing out wedding invitations I’m unsure how to handle one situation.

One of my best friends from school is someone I absolutely want there for the full day. We’ve stayed close having been friends for 20 years. I’m not having bridesmaids, but she’s one of my closest people.

Her partner is where I’m struggling. I can't even bear to write his name on the invitation envelope. I only gave a Save the Date to her months ago saying that venue numbers were tight but I'd let her know about her partner when invites came out.

They’ve been together for seven years, so this isn’t a new relationship. They live about 4 hours away, so I’ve only met him a couple of times, and I’ve genuinely tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve never said anything negative about him to anyone except my partner.

However, when they came to ours for a BBQ and stayed the weekend, he was:

• Rude
• Sexist
• Talking over people
• Not very nice to my friend, who was 5 months pregnant at the time
• Drinking heavily
• Helping himself to alcohol from our cabinet without asking
• Getting louder and more brash as the event went on

The morning after, another friend (who had never met them before) quietly asked if my school friend was okay, because she’d noticed some signs that made her wonder about the relationship. She works as a support worker, so she’s trained to spot these things. For clarity: the couple are still together and as far as I know there are no current issues.

Separately, another school friend met up with them as they happened to be in the same bit of the UK. They met for a coffee (so no alcohol involved). She messaged me afterwards to say she found him insufferable and difficult to talk to. I hadn’t shared my own opinion with her, so she came to that conclusion independently.

My concern is that at a wedding — a long day, with alcohol flowing — his behaviour could get worse as the day goes on. I don’t want anyone stuck on a table with someone who might be unpleasant or dominating the conversation.

Our wedding is only 50–60 people, and there are already people we can’t invite to the day because of numbers. We are inviting 20-30 more to the evening.

I’m considering inviting my friend to the full day and her partner to the evening only.

My friend is warm, friendly, outgoing, and can chat to anyone, especially when drinks are flowing. She will know a few people from school and the hen and knows some of my family so I think she will be fine.

But is that unreasonable?

Is it rude to invite other partners all day but not him?

Or is it fair to make decisions based on behaviour and the atmosphere we want for the day?

AIBU?

Will your friend come without him? Did you talk to her about him after the BBQ?

I completely understand why you don't want him there but I think it could come across as incredibly rude to your friend if you invite the partners of other equally close friends but not hers unless she knows why. She would probably be hurt and it could really damage your relationship with her.

Yes I think she would come, she's fairly independent despite concerns about his behaviour.

I think when I send out the invites I'll give her a heads up and give my reasons.

You could invite them both but have a strong word with her about his behaviour first maybe he won’t come

or if you’re excluding other partners too then just don’t invite him at all

Don’t invite him at all, she will know why if her own family don’t like him

You have to invite him to the full day. You don't like him. That's your prerogative. But he's your best mates partner and the father of her child. He was rude but not much more than that. If he'd punched your husband or thrown wine in your face or something then fair enough but he didn't. And you've never mentioned it to your friend so she would rightly be confused and offended and probably even more so when she realises other partners are invited. Be prepared to lose her as a best friend if you don't invite him to the full day.

You don’t have to invite people you dislike to your wedding.

Whatever you decide, talk to her before you send out the invite, it isn't fair to essentially blindside her and him expect to know why.

If you talk to her first, either saying it's number or that he's an acquired taste, she can prepare and tell him things like "if I go myself, I can stay at my mum's and save money," make it look like a good idea. You can probably phrase it along the lines "can't come to ceremony because numbers, but I know it's be awkward for him to come and hang about for the evening only," and she might suggest she comes on her own.

Either way, you need to make an effort to see her without him another time, to check she's ok.

You can’t not invite him. That would be very difficult for your friend

Op your friend will know he’s horrible she’s not blind or deaf so just stick with no partners in the day and ask her if he would want to still go in the evening as you don’t want to presume. Job done.

I'm surprised that this should even be an issue. It's a no-brainer. It's YOUR day and, while there may be all manner of reasons for walking on eggshells and pussyfooting around for a lesser event, you get (hopefully) one shot at this and people should be more concerned about YOUR feelings on your happy day.
If course you love your friend and want her to be part of your celebration.
In my hopefully humble opinion, you should speak to your friend and explain precisely your concerns.
Acknowledge that you barely know her other half and that he may have qualities which you haven't had opportunity to see but that, based on the snapshot of what you have seen, your are concerned. And explain EXACTLY that basis and add that unfortunately you aren't the only person to have formed that opinion.
Explain how much the situation is tearing you apart.
Friendship is a two way street and I'm sure she will at least put herself in your shoes and understand.
The alternative is that, whether he is there for the whole day or the evening only, you're going to be spending the whole time fretting over whether he's going to cause an issue, even if he doesn't.
And if he DOES cause issues, are you prepared to let an inconsiderate oaf spoil your day?
And how would your friend feel then? I'm sure she'd far rather you had spoken up.
Whatever you decide, I hope your day is fantastic and everything you want it to be.

Just say there are limited numbers so partner can come to the evening .. you might get lucky and he won't turn up at all.

This is tricky as even if he’s only invited to the evening he could spend the afternoon getting oiled up on his own in boozers near the reception and turn up in an even worse state.

But your friend clearly KNOWS he's awful so why would she be offended if he's not invited at all??

God knows what she sees in him but whatever it is doesn't mean he has to be inflicted on others!

Why would she have a strong word with HER about HIS behaviours?

I’d say guest numbers are a real problem - I definitely wouldn’t invite him to any of the wedding especially the evening …. he sounds awful and it will put you on edge/ potentially spoil your day.

It seems like your friend is fully aware as to what he’s like, I wouldn’t invite him at all. If he kicks off he could really cast a shadow on the wedding. At my wedding a relative who was not invited due to his drinking turned up anyway. Other lovely relatives ended up shadowing him to make sure he didn’t misbehave, totally pathetic for a grown man having to be babysat!
It’s your wedding and it seems you are close but you want to look back positively on YOUR day (and your future Dh’s of course!)
Congratulations! 💐

Well said @MrJoeBangles

That would settle it for me.

Your friend can stay with family and he can't. Thats a good excuse. And your friend already accepts her parent's decision.

Just invite your friend.

Imagine how that would ruin the run up to your wedding if you were worrying about him misbehaving and upsetting people at a relative small do.

If you don't invite her partner, you can't invite other partners either, unless you want it really obvious you don't like him.
Tbh if I was only invited to an evening I wouldn't go at all.

Well it wouldn't be news to the friend that he's disliked as she acknowledges his appalling behaviour!!

Imagine staying in a relationship with someone loathed by all your family and friends......and agreeing hus behaviour is really bad! Why on earth would you stick with such an obnoxious twat???

How would you address it then?