AIBU to feel drained by boyfriend refusing to wear hearing aids?

[MellowRedHiker]

New boyfriend on the scene. He is a lovely guy and someone I would consider getting into a relationship with. He is hard of hearing and I very often have to repeat myself and speak louder so he can hear me. I find it tiring and draining over a period of a few hours. I've only met up with him 4 or 5 times. He's told me he has hearing aids but doesn't wear them. They are NHS ones which he said distorted sounds and was given batteries that turned out to be dud. He returned the batteries and were given more, which also weren't holding a charge so he gave up. I suggested he buy a new set of batteries and try and get used to the aids. He said he wasn't going to waste his money as he could get them for free off NHS. I am very frustrated and exhausted with my efforts of communication which is important to me in a new relationship but also by his attitude. He does have money, (without going into details here) bought a brand new motorbike few months ago and enjoys many holidays abroad etc. I have a friend who has hearing aids who told me hers were paid private and technology improves virtually daily, lots of various settings and can be rechargeable. He could have demos but would need to pay in region of £2000 - £2500. How can I get through to him that I can't cope, without my complaint falling on deaf ears - No pun intended. He hasn't dated for some years, but he does have a good friendship circle of men, cycling, motorcycling, yes which I can only assume the friends have deeper, stronger voices or their conversation doesn't need the same necessary input. I'm at a crossroads - do I give up now or try to procede? My female friend lives the other side of Britain so I couldn't introduce them casually, for her to give him guidance.

He can’t be bothered to sort his hearing out then that’s his problem.
Personally I couldn’t continue dating him.
my friend has hearing aids which she brought privately, they are amazing. Can hardly see them either.

I’m partially deaf. I haven’t bothered with hearing aids as they are such a frigging faff and actually I quite like that it’s a little bit more effort for folk to talk to me. Unless someone is directly in front of me and I can lip read whilst hearing a bit I can really struggle.

Me and OH have just adapted. He either texts me, comes and finds me and speaks square on or bangs the floor to get me to turn round 😂 But if HE needs to talk to me HE puts himself in a position that I can then comprehend what he’s saying.

Have you had a conversation with him to find out how he manages with his mates / how he prefers to be communicated with? This is quite easy to adapt and overcome with a bit flexibility if you’re serious about him. If you’re not willing to that’s fine- just move on. Don’t introduce your deaf friend to try and influence him to buy hearing aids that’s ludicrous. It’s his health and his hearing. I’d be flipping furious if someone did that to me it’s so condescending and self serving.

It must be hard for people who can hear well to imagine not wanting to ‘fix’ it and have better hearing, and be happy with the function they have. Although I was pretty devastated when I first lost my hearing I adapted quickly and there are plenty times it works to my advantage if I’m honest.

I think there is a huge difference between someone who can't be bothered and someone is trying to help themselves.
I wear hearing aids, they are not a magic fix for hearing loss but they do help. I know people get more frustrated with me when I don't wear them. So I wear them as much as I can barring infections etc.
I suspect this guy doesn't really get how his hearing problems affect you and until he does you're on to a loser.

It would be entirely different if he wore aids and tried to help the communication between you.

You’ve met up with him 4/5 times you can’t start dictating what he should do. It’s his choice. It’s also your choice as to whether you can carry on dating him knowing he doesn’t want to wear his hearing aids

I have had hearing aids, both NHS and the all singing all dancing £2k ones. I didn’t get on with either. I was told some people just don’t get on with them. I went through Specsavers who have a 100 day money back guarantee. The 100 days reset when I tried a different pair to see if they made a difference. When they didn’t they absolutely stuck to their promise and I was refunded in full.

I would suggest he try this route and if he isn’t even prepared to try that would make my decision!

As a hearing aid wearer, they take a lot of adjustment

I really hated mine for a long period, and there are still times where they feel like they make my life harder rather than easier. I don't always wear them

I think if you've never worn them it seems like an easy decision because you assume its just like putting on glasses

Its really not the same, and the hearing you get from them is really disorientating and overwhelming. Its not like just turning the volume up on a TV, or a suddenly being able to hear. I found it really tiring so wouldn't have been doing it around a new girlfriend

Certainly I wouldn't have been wearing them for the first time in date like situations, because places like restaurants/ public are the worst for them.

I have got used to mine but don't wear them all the time, and it seems similar for a lot of the other people I know, with more and more turning away from stuff like cochlear implants and hearing aids. It often feels like they are made for the convenience of hearing people rather than to improve my experience

I'd be more concerned with his dismissive attitude to be honest. Won't pay money for something quality when he can get something for free, it doesn't sound like a world view of someone I'd like to be with.

For me this would be a deal breaker but I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Tell him straight up that's it's an issue for you and he needs to sort them out. Ideally by text so no confusion.

I'm going through similar with DH and honestly I'm inclined to communicate less and less with him. I haven't really had a sit down about it yet but will soon. He understands me face to face but in a busy household with kids I'm often talking while cooking or making lunches etc and I repeat and repeat and repeat, often yelling over the radio on loud. I cannot live my life like this. Also he mishears all the time and gets all huffy and angry over things he thinks I said or over the ridiculous farse that follows when he gets it wrong. A few years ago my eye sight deteriorated rapidly and I need 2 sets of glasses, it's a pain and I'm constantly opening and closing cases. If I decided I could no longer drive or watch Tv with Dh or communicate by text or do the millions of things I now need glasses to do it would have a serious and negative impact on our lives. But I choose to sort it out and adapt and i don't understand why he won't do the same. I know it's more complex but it's about taking responsibility.

This is the obvious truth of the matter.

My dad refused to wear hearing aids when his hearing started to deteriorate.

when it got worse he started wearing them for work (because his colleagues complained) but would take them off as soon as he got him.

he couldn’t follow conversations without them and my mum pretty much stopped talking to him as he couldn’t hear her.

he didn’t learn sign or to lip read or anything.

it didn’t really do a lot for their marriage.

It must be tough being exhausted from making effort to communicate. I imagine it's a lot, lot harder for someone who has an actual impairment/disability and has to manage difficulties with communication all the time.

There's some videos out there that show you what hearing aids are like which might be worth watching to try and get a grasp of why people won't take what seems like an easy fix

As a previous poster said, some people just don't get on with them

Whats interesting is often (and already is playing out in this thread) if you talk about hearing aids people tend to say oh my friends are amazing, I wish my dm/dp etc would wear them etc, its selfish not to, you can't hardly see them, they were lifechanging for my cousin etc.

Those that actually use them tend to have a meh reaction, and talk about it being tricky and wearing them for other people rather than actually finding them comfortable or that helpful

Comparing someone reading glasses with hearing aids is ignorant, i'm afraid. I need both.It's not remotely the same.

Have you been direct with him? Tell him: I really like you but it is exhausting having to constantly raise my voice and repeat myself. You might not realise how very tiring this is. If our relationship and socialising generally is important to you - please buy some decent private hearing aids. You have money for a bike so surely you have money to invest in your own health and quality of life. Clearly the NHS ones aren't fit for purpose and never will be. This is a problem you can solve.

If he doesn't, then he is not that keen to make things work. Or he's more stubborn than you have patience for.

I know people who refuse to contemplate hearing aids because it implies that one is old. Like you, I know others who simply won’t use the ones they’ve got because they can’t be bothered, failing to realise how socially isolating it is, and the dangers of hearing loss to brain function (hearing loss is associated with dementia).

I fully understand your frustration.

I found hearing aids a liberation, have absolutely no vanity about it (who’s looking at me anyway). Suddenly I could hear the conversation in restaurants and in the office, as well as the birds!

About the batteries, they run out approx every week, and you simply have to change them. Not a biggie, frankly. The NHS is fantastic on this front, on supplying perfectly good hearing aids.

I do think it's hard to understand if you haven't tried them

When my mum first got glasses I remember getting motion sickness a bit, and that was the entire adjustment period.

Hearing aids are a whole different ball game, and what you end up with isn't hearing in the same way you currently hear even when fully adjusted

There's a reason why people' have lots of funny stories about grandads, nans etc kept turning them off, or putting them in a bottom of a bag. The story above of having to wear them for work, but taking them off at the first opportunity also rings true.

His hearing is his business but you don't have to date him.

My colleague is the same. It's only her and I that work in our team so it's annoying. Before saying anything, I start with "Carole'" Then she will turn to me and then when I have her attention, I say what I need to say. Doing this with my partner as well.

I quite like that it’s a little bit more effort for folk to talk to me

Sorry - that just makes you sound like dick. And it would certainly annoy me in someone I was getting to know or in the early stages of a relationship with.

do I give up now

Well I would. No new relationship should be this hard work.

You really need to read up on the connection between hearing loss and cognitive decline. You are putting yourself at greater risk of dementia.

OP, YANBU. Throw this one back.

As an NHS HA wearer I find this bit makes him look vain and pathetic.

They are NHS ones which he said distorted sounds and was given batteries that turned out to be dud. He returned the batteries and were given more, which also weren't holding a charge so he gave up

That said OP ( and anyone else living with a person with hearing loss ) it will help if you’re looking at him when you speak.

Wherever you’re looking, you’re speaking.

I get that it’s tiring repeating everything.
I find it tiring having to say ‘sorry?’, ‘say that again’, ‘you what?’ to people looking the other way, or down at their phone or talking in a group but they’ve suddenly asked me something.

In this instance, I don’t think you’re compatible and it’s on him, his stubbornness ( or vanity ).

I am disabled and need a mobility aid, a different type, but I realised that being stubborn/nervous and not using it was causing me and my loved ones more problems (ie. It is a very obvious symbol that I have a disability to help myself and others when I'm in public, and it means I can navigate better without someone having to guide me etc). But I spent a lot of time rejecting it, making things worse for everyone.

In your case, I'd say he is being selfish and it may come from fear, or stress, or another justifiable reason. But you're free not to date him because of it, I wouldn't want to shout constantly either. I would be direct with him about that if you genuinely like him.

Hearing loss is linked to a higher risk of dementia too, I think? Which would also worry me if it became a long term relationship. Or if his hearing gradually gets worse and he STILL refuses aids. It is a topic for legitimate therapy, I've had to have it myself to get to grips with changes.

However, men who totally refuse help, solutions, and adjustments, well, to me that's a red flag.

He hasn't looked properly into ways of making his own life fundamentally better, but again, that is his choice .. All you can do is decide what you'll tolerate. It's not remotely ablist to "reject" him, because it's based on his stubbornness rather than simply because he's deaf.., But people on here will probably accuse you of that..but often they don't know how truly frustrating it can be living with sensory disabilities, either in yourself or loved ones. Flexibility and common sense has to come into play to get the most out of life with disability.

The only way to get used to hearing aids is to wear them!

I just put mine in and left them in from day one. If you keep faffing about by putting them in and out for short periods to "get used to them" you just have to keep repeating the initial brain adjustment over and over again.

To start with paper rustles loudly, cutlery going into a drawer sounds loud etc. - you just adapt.

It is such a pain when people do not wear their aids. I have a close relative who "couldn't get on with them" - AKA kept taking them in and out! Having to speak loudly is a blooming nuisance - and completely unnecessary!

Hearing aids are not perfect, even with expensive ones - none of them are good at crowded environments and there is always a compromise to be made.

If this guy thinks repeated batteries are no good, then it is much more likely to be the aids that are faulty. He needs to go back and sort it out - but, as others have said, that is his decision to make. And only you can decide whether he is a keeper.

Hearing aids don't fix anything - instead of just the hiss from Tinnitus and voices covered by surrounding noise, you get an amplified hiss from the hearing aids and all the things that are in surrounding noise that match the frequencies you can't hear well amplified as well - whilst something like being in a room where somebody claps is tolerable without them, it can switch to feeling like a screwdriver being shoved through your eardrum, for example (and there is no setting to deal with people clapping like seals, sadly).

Add in that it sounds as though he's been given aids that chew through energy (113s, I suspect) and they are both expensive and, along with all other size batteries atm, not as easy to get hold of despite the advertised sales and it's not entirely surprising that he's not a fan.

OP. You have to take the advice of hearing aid wearers here. As previous posters have said, they’re not a magic fix and you can’t compare them to wearing glasses. Noisy places, such as restaurants can be a nightmare, especially those without carpets or curtains to dampen the noise.

Spending lots of money on expensive aids isn’t always a solution to the problem. I’ve never had a problem with my NHS aids that couldn’t be sorted by the audiologist. I can Bluetooth them to my phone, use my phone as a microphone and see how much battery life there is left. One battery usually lasts a week. Don’t assume NHS aids are a poor option.

Many hearing aid wearers lip read without realising that they are. Facial expressions add a lot to communication, so facing the person you’re talking to is very helpful, whether or not they are wearing hearing aids.

Hearing loss isn’t easy to contend with. It’s a disability for me, and some understanding from those trying to communicate with me is appreciated, but it is also incumbent on me to explain to them what makes hearing, even with aids, a challenge and how they can help.

Perhaps, OP, this isn’t the man for you.

It might not be vanity. People often said to me about ones you can hide better etc and it seems like a lot of the focus on development has gone in improving the size/aesthetic rather than function.

The reason I struggled with mine wasn't because of the look.

Hearing aids distort sound which is disorienting, very tiring and sometimes even painful. It can be piercing, or a wall of sound in many situations.

I feel like in some situations its actually harder for me to hear things like speech with them on, then it is for me to have them off and use people's lips to help.

People often say get hearing aids, pop them in, turn them up etc without realising there's a reason why people turn them off in lots of situations, or take them out.