DSS resents his did for the situation his mum is in.

[nevermatchtoesandfingers]

DSS is 19, at uni he is disrespectful to DH and treats him like an ATM. DH and DSS’s mum split after a relatively short relationship when he was 1. No marriage, no assets. He met me shortly after, married relatively quickly bought a house and we worked hard to support DSS whilst accumulating wealth for ourselves. DH and I have supported him and his mum, paid for him to be privately educated and he is now at a top tier uni. His mum struggles, can’t seem to keep a steady job and has moved from rental to rental. Now at 19, DSS needs to be on the rental agreement, she has had to move far away from his uni due to costs. DSS works to contribute to his mum. He is SO angry at his dad for leaving his mum, he thinks he should have stayed and given him a stable upbringing rather than him feeling responsible for his mum. I think he IBU?

He doesn’t really think this. He’s just not coping with the responsibility of having to take care of his mum and is lashing out on the one person he can yell about this problem to.

He’s 19 and shouldn’t have this burden.

Just keep supporting him as much as you can to lessen his load and ignore his actual words.

Your DH gave him a private dictation and has stayed in his life and sounds to be very supportive.
DSS doesn’t need to support his mum, she could take a bit of responsibility and stick a job and stop expecting other people to shore her up.

education not dictation!!!

He'll be experiencing very complex emotions about this.

He's had the benefits of his dad's (and your) wealth and contributions to his life which he has benefitted from and will continue to do so. At the same time, he has seen his mum struggle and is now feeling responsibility for her that he shouldn't have to feel.

Of course, it would be unreasonable for anyone to expect someone to stay where they are not happy but his feelings around it aren't unreasonable. They're his feelings.

As much as he sees your contribution to his life and your wealth, he will also see how this negatively impacted his mum.

19 is a very difficult age - old enough to reason and form opinions, but none of the life experience required to fully understand.

His mum is responsible for her own life and choices (and ability to keep a job). He is just feeling the disparity right now.

I get that you paid for private education etc. But did your DH take on half of the care for his child while he was growing up or did the burden of this fall predominantly on his mum? Aside from the school fees, how much support did he provide?

It must be really tough having to work to support your mum at that age, especially when the wealth divide is so great between the parents. Trying to process all the emotions while working and studying will be complex and hard. Your DH sounds like a good dad, and your DSS sounds like he’s in a crap position. Your DH needs to do his best to support him, nobody needs declaring unreasonable

Is your DH still supporting him financially?

His mum needs to keep jobs and be responsible for herself, that’s not his role to support her, neither is it his dad’s.

Your husband was in a short lived relationship with your step-son's Mum, and they have been split 18 years (or so). They never married, never had any joint assets and therefore your husband's only legal obligation has been towards his son.

By the sounds of it, your husband has provided financial support for his son and to his Mum, as well as paying for private school fees. I don't think your husband could realistically do any more.

Staying in a relationship, when you don't want to be with the other person, isn't providing a stable home life for a child. It would have created resentment on both sides, which would have been picked up by your step-son.

Your step-son is angry that he's having to take the financial (and otherwise) responsibility of his Mum. Previously his Dad has taken that burden away from him. Your step-son is now an adult, and unfortunately he's possibly realising how much support she needs, and he resents it. He's having to contribute, whereas before he didn't have too. He's angry with his Mum really, but it's easier to take it out on your husband.

Your husband isn't responsible for supporting his ex. By all means continue to support your step-son, to lessen the burden but ultimately either the step-son helps his Mum or he doesn't and it forces her to take responsibility for herself.

Someone once told me the best thing a father can do for his child is to love their mother. Obviously things don't always work out like that, but I do think it's correct.

It sounds like DSS is behaving badly, but he's not entirely wrong in his thinking IMO.

@Scruffysquirrels it seems to have been a short lived relationship some time ago now, why has the dad to be forever obliged to love and shore this woman up? would you say the same if this was reversed?
How about she takes responsibility and keeps a job, expecting her son to support her? she should be embarrassed.

Agree with this - your stepson will feel trapped in a situation made by his mother. Inevitably going to lash out at his more stable parent.

I don't think you should characterise his behaviour as unreasonable.
Your husband’s ex is wholly unreasonable- not your stepson.

It's around this age that most people start questioning their upbringing. I'd give it time, in a few years he will figure out that life isn't so black and white.

He is being unreasonable but it’s a very emotional thing for a 19 year old. He’s hurt, cares for his mum etc.

its not easy for him right now.

He is not being unreasonable to have complex feelings around the difficult situation he was brought up in. It doesn’t really matter whether he blames his father unfairly or not, what matters is that he is supported to come to term with it.

It will have been very difficult for him to have two separate upbringings and hard for him to be in a private school when he didn’t have the life at home to match. He sounds like a good son who loves his Mum, but a decent, wealthy father wouldn’t allow him to work to support her especially while he’s still in education.

Your dss isn't wrong, at 19 he shouldn't be supporting his mother for something as basic as her living situation. I would say deep down your dss knows his dm is the problem not his df. But you can't pick on the weaker one can you, I'd say he'd see it as an additional betrayal, it's bad enough he resents her for it.

He doesn’t need to take anymore money from you and his dad if he’s so resentful of you.

What a difficult situation for your DSS. but even if your dh treated his mother a bit badly 18 years ago and left her in a difficult situation with DSS, she has had plenty of time to sort herself out in the meantime and make the most of her situation. Perhaps the mum has complained to her son about, if not dad specifically, her situation generally.

But it's hard to push back on this isn't it, without appearing to disparage Mum.

I do think perhaps you can say to him that it seems a little hard that he is having to be on the rental agreement, and that you are concerned that having to support his mum financially while studying really isn't right. Because is isn't! He needs his time and energy for getting the best value from the uni that he is going to be paying for for decades .

As a low / no income single woman she has other recourses to support with housing etc, surely? It might not be so nice but if I was your dh Id be very concerned about my son being in this situation

It’s a hard place to be in. He (a child) feels responsible for his mother and it’s too much. I’d take a wild guess that it didn’t just start now , or that it’s limited to financial support/rent. So he’s lashing out at the only other available adult. If you would’ve stepped up, I wouldn’t have to . He can’t or won’t lash out at his mum, as he sees her as his responsibility.

Because he had a child with her? That means it wasn't and never can be a "short lived relationship".

Obviously it would be more convienient for everyone, except the child, if it was, but it isn't and as OP and DSS are discovering, it's not helpful to pretend it is.

We know things don't always work out in the best interests of children, but that doesn't make DSS's feeling wrong, quite the opposite.

The problem here is neither your DSS nor your DH has responsibility for a grown woman but she has manipulated DSS to think everyone else has responsibility for her so she doesn’t have to take responsibility for anyone. There are a fair few people out there who project their responsibilities in life onto other people, the worst of them project their responsibilities onto their children and parentifing them which is a form of parental abuse. Could your DSS move in with you guys and not need to go on a tenancy with his mother?

And I should add, see if there's a way he can be supported to help her stand on her own feet.

By having a child with the mum, your dh did effectively tie himself to her for life - it's the risk you take in any sexual relationship. So he can't just ignore what she is putting his son through or say "not my problem" I don't think.

Should he have stayed?

Why did he leave?

Do you know why the mother struggles to keep a job?