To think parents have caused a family rift with their LPA

[sapphicy]

My parents set up LPAs for financial and medical recently, it was agreed all 3 siblings will act jointly and we were all happy with this.

Long story short my sister is not actually a financial attorney, just medical, and was misled by parents. No idea why they did this. She had debt issues many moons ago but is a police officer now and owns her house outright. Perhaps parents thought she wouldn’t agree to act for medical if she wasn’t also financial, or they had a change of heart after she signed.

The problem is they didn’t tell her. For months she’s been asking us all why she’s had notification letters for medical but not financial, and instead of just telling her the truth my parents told her ‘these things take time’ and it’s been pretty awkward for me as I realised from letters I’ve received that financial has already been registered.

Sister then went directly to the OPG (at her own cost) and found out she is not in fact a financial attorney as she was led to believe. But she swears she signed 4 forms like I did.

Since she’s found this out she is not speaking to any of us, her husband contacted me to say she is severely depressed at the minute over this, we’ve all lied to her, she can’t trust her own family any more, feels like she’s lost us, etc.

I relayed this to parents who won’t talk about it or even explain what has actually happened. I can’t think of a good reason not to be honest with her about this from the start. It’s obviously not an error or a misunderstanding either as parents haven’t said ‘no that isn’t right’.

What do I even do here, AIBU to tell my parents this is their problem to sort out and I won’t be playing mediator? We’ve never had a family fall out like this before. I respect parents right to make decisions, but this isn’t really sitting right with me and I can understand why my sister is pissed off.

I brought it up yesterday with dad like explicitly asking what has happened with my sister and he said that it’s already registered and has gone back to the solicitors so stop asking about it

DRO/IVA/Bankruptcy isn't a bar to recruitment after 3 years following the certificate of discharge/satisfaction, as long as the history is declared.

I am trying to see this from parents point of view. What would be a good reason to trick someone into thinking they were an attorney rather than just being honest from the outset? They can’t have possibly thought she’d just let this drop and it would go away

Oo interesting thank you, maybe they know something we don’t then. I still think though they could have told her that from the start, privately if necessary, there was no need to mislead her

Yes I realise that. My parents had clearly lost capacity and I wasn't listened to with both parents.

And I thought I made it clear that the financial stuff wasn't difficult in my expereince

It’s really terrible.

People have no idea beforehand what it looks like in reality. Also, once parents need paid care etc, and all the systems and agencies get your contact details as LPA for finance, they will
hound you and treat you like a commodity.

They will bully, manipulate, pressurise you to sort out money actions within hours, days. They won’t care if your parent is currently on life support, or struggling or whatever emergency situation it is. They will come immediately with zero morals. And they will treat you like you are THEIR paid employee if you can’t action things immediately. And don’t even get me started on the banks who leisurely take their time whilst the care homes are threatening to take you to court if you can’t transfer £50,000 by yesterday.

It’s brutal and distressing. Do not underestimate the hell that being LPA for money and assets brings. You’ll be faced with an insight to society you really wish you didn’t have.

Medical is fine. Well in that it’s not worth the paper it is written on half the time so it’s not much different to not having one in SOME situations Finance and assets complete nightmare.

This x 10.

Why do you think the LPAs are ‘effectively useless’? If the OP has had her notification through, then they’re not useless.

If the LPA was made ‘joint or severally’, then it doesn’t need the agreement of everyone to take any action. This is the usual option people choose as otherwise if one attorney dies, the others can’t act.

In my experience of being Deputy for both my MIL and my stepfather, this cannot be any further from the truth. Any agencies involved with them were kind, courteous and understanding with me. No one chased me for payment, no one hounded me.

Did you actually witness your sister having a conversation with your parents, and did you also witness their signatures?
As others have said, there could be more to this than either your parents or your sister is telling you. If your sister chooses to distance herself from the family, that’s completely up to her but I would look at the reasons for their decision.

I was there when we were told we’d all be acting jointly
for both. I was not there when anyone else signed their bit

They should probably look at swapping the medical one as well. The way things are going they currently have a DNR over their heads!

I think it was important for your sister to have been more aware of what she was and wasn't signing. The whole process is paper- based with separate documents for finance/property and health/well being so she would have been asked to sign for one not two. As LPoA you can access all the information. There is a useful online system which allows you to inform GP, Bank etc of your status. You have access to all of this. I would say that I dont think you have gone into this with much understanding. You need to do this before it is needed.

There are a surprising number of people out there who avoid any form of confrontation at all, even if it's mild. They'd rather stick their head in the sand and let events snowball. This could be the way your parents think, or it could be a genuine paperwork or processing error.

Whilst I can understand if your sister is upset because she thinks not naming her as LPA means her parents don't trust her/think she's irresponsible, she is being over the top about it. Having LPA isn't a jolly. I don't know why anyone would so desperately want to have it, unless they don't trust those that were named to act in the best interests of their parents.

They are separate documents but can be given to the same people

Indeed.

And our solicitor recommended having more than 1 person named on each document so that, if one was unable to step up, there was a clear line of responsibility.

My husband has named me and 2 of his children - one from each marriage - to share the load.

Would you be bothered if they told you one thing and then later it turned out that isn’t correct and everyone knew except you and ignored you when you asked about it?

Don’t be ridiculous! Do you honestly believe an aggrieved child can persuade medics not to resuscitate a parent for no reason?