To feel sad it’s just us

[Feelsicktoomuchchocolate]

Live abroad and away from family (I want to return home, Dh doesn’t)
I try to make everything nice, did an egg hunt at home and in the garden today, we were at an organised hunt yesterday. Dh is making bbq lunch, but all around us are families with their wider families-grandparents etc having loud, cheerful lunches
Dd constantly asking to go to her friends houses on the road today and me having to say no because they’re having family time.
Feel so envious of all these big families and their plans and sad for Dd
It’s the same at Christmas if we stay here some years

OP you need to plan and budget to be with your family on these occasions that matter to you. That means you going back on the years they don't come to you. You will also not be the only people in this position. Get ahead of things, put the message out on the expat groups, speak to friends on the street in advance, let them know you find it hard to be just the three of you on special occasions. If you don't tell people they don't know and they don't think to invite you to join them. Your husband has a responsibility to help you create family where you are - he should be going all out to make this happen for you given his insistence that you stay there.

Do they want to go back abroad then?

I’ve suggested it, he snubs the idea

OP, can you give us some idea of where you are in the world so we can make suggestions as to how you could improve your situation in general. Maybe, just maybe, if your day to day life is better you’d be able to cope with this enforced absence from your family in the Uk.

Are you an expat wife in the traditional sense or like me did you marry and move to your husbands country?

It's understandable to feel sad! Perhaps it may help to reframe what is normal. Growing up I had a 3 person family; we met extended family maybe two or three times in my life. I still had a happy childhood. Now I live overseas from my family and have a 4 person family of my own. We see inlaws on occasion but I personally love our small, cozy little Christmases, etc.

From my understanding he’s struggling now to land the same type of job he had in the beginning. I don’t want to disclose too much as it’s not my story, but he moved to a popular “expat” luxurious area far before it became hyper popular, it was easy to get recruited. Now there’s a lot more competition.

It’s not his country, both from the uk

We're in a similar situation tbh, DH's parents live in DH's home country and we never see my parents. But we've never felt we need any more people for family celebrations than the 4 of us tbh. We like being able to organise our family trips and celebrations without trying to coordinate calendars or meet anyone else's needs. Our family is complete as it is and our dcs entertain each other. Probably helps that we are in London. We own a house here and consider it as our home, DH grew up abroad but doesn't see it as his home. Our friends are very international and most families have relatives abroad. It's very much a minority of families who see GPs more than a few times a year.

It’s probably easier with two kids entertaining one another.

I’m a little concerned that someone has suggested to get divorced and live where you like and your comment that you can’t leave with your children. That’s a different kettle of fish entirely. That’s a different thread to I feel sad my family aren’t here for celebrations. Would you like to leave OP? Would you like to get divorced? Don’t get me wrong, this community love to tell people to leave their partners, they think that’s the answer to everything….but there’s a difference between leaving over nothing ….and being forced to stay against your will or your children being used against you. Is that is what is happening to you? That’s very worrying if it is.You really need to seek help for yourself and your child if that is happening.

@Jemtraice so you are expats in the traditional sense?

how do your holidays work out? Do you go back to the UK. Do you use the opportunity to see other parts of the world? How often do you visit the UK? Do family visit you?

We lived abroad for 6 years and moved back to the UK when DS was 18 months. It was so, so, so sad being just us at Christmas/Easter etc. When you have kids, especially small ones, you can't just hop on a plane and see family. It was a 13 hour flight away! Pre-baby we made it work but with a baby/toddler it was so isolating.

I knew people who didn't have a good relationship with their families so they didn't care. But I was close to mine, I really missed my mum and siblings. Not just Easter, but brirthdays/weddings, you miss a lot of things.

I'm not sure I could have coped if DH didn't want to move back.

I'm not an expat but I also live a way from my family and have struggled with this on occasions like Easter or Christmas. It's hard when everyone else seems to disappear off with their own families and you don't have your usual routine.

That said I've found enduring it is almost like a skill that you can work at. I've tried to accept the situation for what it is and make plans to keep us occupied that don't rely on other people being available. The loneliness stays the same but the coping strategies can be improved if that makes sense.

Well, I love where I live, in lovely sunny Kent!

Hello fellow Kentish person/person of Kent.

Our lovely coastline, with sunny breezy walks and so much of historic interest is one of the big pluses of living here.

It's quite normal to feel homesick and miss family. I symopathise with you but you notice it more at times like this and they don't last long, in a few days all will be back to normal.

It's not always wonderful at home with extended family :). There are often disappointments.

You haven't said where you are but there must have been a reason why you and your husband decided to settle there, maybe good jobs and better career prospects, a bigger house. Only you know.

There are problems worldwide at the moment so you are fortunate if you do not experience too many. However it is still a pretty good life in the UK for most of us, children and young people have more opportunities than ever. The biggest drawback is getting a foot on the housing ladder.which takes far longer than it used to, and the cost of living, fuel prices, etc. These things will pass, they always do. I say that as a 76 year old who has lived through recessions and various hardships. I'm glad to be here though, content enough. Don't believe all you read in the media.

I hope your sadness is temporary. Good luck.

Well it sounds like you have bigger problems than feeling sad around easter. I gather you are not in a Haugue country and the child was born there hence why it would be considered kidnapping if you left?

When we moved overseas as a military family, we would often go away if we didnt have family coming over for holidays (not really enough room at home for all of us).

Is DHs job providing with a better standard of living out there or does he just enjoy the sunshine element? Why do you have no say over returning to the UK. If he is dismissive about marriage counselling and doesnt consider your thoughts then Id say the marriage is dead already. I would seriously be contemplating coming back to the UK on the guise of a holiday and not returning. I assume tour child has dual nationality and therefore 2 passports?

It’s really tough being abroad during these key times that you would be with family. I get it.

we’ve approached it by making new traditions. We went to the beach this morning, did a bike ride, played in the garden and then church this afternoon. Kids have had a great day although have argued a lot too! We’ve also have friends who are both from her and not who were around to catch up who weren’t with family.

maybe next year plan a lunch with friends who are free? Or get some plans in to keep you busy and give you joy?

No legally I wouldn’t be able to just leave with her

Just a British passport, but was born here

So you can return on holiday? Would dh really fork out all that money to extradite you both back to the current country? It would help if we knew what the country was, in some countries it is a myth ref the kidnapping. Even more so if you all hold UK passports

Thanks. We have no plan to return and to be honest I don't miss my home country, I like going back for short visits but I would not necessarily prefer living there. I just miss my family and the ability to be with them. I think my kids will have better opportunities if we stay in the UK.

I moved here to study and then it gradually turned into "forever", but it does hit very differently when you have DC. Again I have no advice unfortunately. For now we manage by visiting each other 2 or 3 times a year, but I am aware my parents are getting older and will not be able to travel forever. But if you really want to go back home and your DH disagrees, this will create so much resentment that I don't think any marriage could survive. It is so tough.💐

I think the courts could force us to come back.
We’re in a European country

I think it's pretty standard to not be able to leave a country with a child without the other's consent. Of course that would be kidnapping! And it's a struggle for many immigrants. Once you have kids, it's a nightmare to get divorced and move

It’s The Hague Convention that you need to look into, habitual residence etc. That said, as you’re both British and want to move back to the UK, it’s not as though you’re in Aus or the Middle East. I’d also be tempted to come back for a holiday, lose a passport or two, send DH back, wait for the new passports, say you’d like to stay another month or two to help a sick parent etc…

He cant keep you overseas forever and a foreign government is not going to be interested in Brits who want to leave!