To feel sad it’s just us

[Feelsicktoomuchchocolate]

Live abroad and away from family (I want to return home, Dh doesn’t)
I try to make everything nice, did an egg hunt at home and in the garden today, we were at an organised hunt yesterday. Dh is making bbq lunch, but all around us are families with their wider families-grandparents etc having loud, cheerful lunches
Dd constantly asking to go to her friends houses on the road today and me having to say no because they’re having family time.
Feel so envious of all these big families and their plans and sad for Dd
It’s the same at Christmas if we stay here some years

I sympathise OP. I am in a similar but opposite situation, my husband and I are from a EU country but have moved to Scotland about 10 years ago and our DCs were born here. I miss my family terribly and even more at these times. My DS has reached an age where he realises that we don't see grandparents very often and always asks me when we can go and visit. I am very close to my parents and my brothers, videocall them most days, but it is not the same. I miss celebrating milestones and holidays together. I was very close to my grandparents growing up, I saw them every week and I kind of took it for granted that this would be the same for my future kids. Now my kids are very loved by my family but they won't ever have that kind of relationship, and I feel like I deprived them of this.

I don't have much to advise. I didn't bother much when I was on my own, but now I try and make it special for the DC as I don't want them to grow up focusing on what they missed growing in an expat family. So we cook a special meal and create our own traditions. But I know it is not easy and I always feel very nostalgic and a bit sad on these occasions.

This isn’t really a ‘race to the bottom’ type situation. Your kid being told they can’t play out for 1 day isn’t doing them harm either, they’ve had a nice treat and now get to spend time with their mum and dad, and they had Easter with wider family last year. You may not be happy with your situation but there is nothing bad happening to you. You need to talk to your DH more about your situation generally and if he’s never moving back then you can start weighing up what that means for you. Next year maybe go back to your family for Easter

It sounds perfect to me, enjoy your relaxing day, I’ve been reading in bed, husband cooking a light lunch and son chilling in room, no entertaining or tidying up, would choose a small gathering on our own every time.

I'm a single-parent with no wider family aside from parents I'm quite low contact with. I'm also introverted and have a small group of friends, none of whom have children the same age as mine. I feel ds1 especially would really like it if we had large noisy gatherings but that's just not me. Anyway, there are plenty of people who have large families they don't get on with and have to attend gatherings they don't enjoy. Don't idealise an imaginary situation but try to appreciate the one you have.

Maybe your daughter is desperate to get out because mum is moping about pining to go home.

Enjoy the bbq, soak up the sunshine, play with dd and suggest to your dh that you have a serious convo about moving home!

Where are you? Can you say?

As someone who comes from another country, I can tell you that we've found other families. DD now has a routine heater egg hunt tradition with a friend's family for example! At Christmas or other big celebrations, we often have large groups of people who are NOT related but who don't necessarily have their own family around.

Growing up, we often had people who didn't have anywhere else join us or extended family groups. I have a friend here whose family and mine have been celebrating christmas together for 30 odd years and if either of us are home, we just slot into that as normal.

So I would encourage you to build these friendships locally. Unless there's some big cultural reason, I would imagine that over time you could spend these sort of events with other families and/or that your DD would be welcome at the homes of her friends.

The grass always looks greener. I’ve been with my two little boys today. Husband walked out at Xmas. We’ve been out for lunch, a walk and movies. I’m very lonely but making the most of a bad situation

Be grateful you have family you actually want to hang out with on holidays. Plenty with family down the road are estranged from them.

Nothing useful to add except I completely get it. I had exactly the same thoughts today too.

My thoughts and you will also read of people who are with others they would prefer not to be with (toxic inlaws are an example).

If your neighbours are all happy as extended families together, your neighbourhood is unusual.

Just want to add im in a very similar position moved abroad 6 years ago and used to do big easter celebrations with all the family...had a very quiet day today with just us and kids ..felt pretty low and similar to you!

I think your day sounds lovely. I have no extended family, no cousins, etc., it’s never bothered me at all. We live in the UK, but a distance from grandparents. We’ve gone away this year and did an egg hunt in the hotel room, lots of skiing, hot chocolate, snow fights. We’ve never done a big thing Easter and hadn’t even thought about missing out. Sounds like she has a lovely time usually with lots of friends and great parents. Maybe it’s you that’s unhappy, and sad that your husband and daughter love the life they have?

Why not just get divorced and then you can live where you want? @Feelsicktoomuchchocolate

Gosh your DD knows how to push your buttons, doesn't she?
Tell her she has been to an egg hunt and a barbecue with her friends and now you and her friends are having family time with your own families. The adults in your family make the decisions and the child follows their lead.

You need to find the other "Waifs and Strays". We hosted a waifs and strays Christmas and a waifs and strays Easter lunch for years when we first moved abroad.

Also, find a church. There was likely a nice service and some kind of event today - there was an egg hunt for kids and coffee / chocolate for adults at ours today. It breaks up the special days if they feel long.

I get you. You're comparing to what you used to have. A 'what might have been.'

My mum killed herself this year - we still had the family celebration, but it felt a bit fake and wrong. I was wistful for our old celebrations in her garden for Easter, like we had always done before. I missed what might have been and what has been. Your situation sounds different but similar in some ways.

I hope you find peace with your life, one way or another. There's no point spending too long on what might have been 💐.

I was often on my own on special days, because DH was working. I just made it nice for me and the kids.

Why did you move to a different country and how long have you been there?

Are you just missing home because it’s a public holiday or is this something you’ve genuinely been feeling for a while?

I currently live abroad and feel like your DH that we have a better life here and would be concerned bringing the kids up in UK nowadays. But I definitely feel the loss of a large close family some of the time, YANBU.

Why not just get divorced and then you can live where you want?

OP could live where she wanted. She wouldn't necessarily be able to take her daughter with her.

@Feelsicktoomuchchocolate I wouldn't put it as 'bluntly' as @Cherrytree86 but it is a valid question.

How unhappy are you? Occasionally, just during the holidays, or desperately unhappy? Because if your DH's only consideration is "It's better here" there may be more things he needs to consider.

Contrariwise, if it really is 'better there' then maybe you need to think about the benefits rather than your homesickness.

es-DH (es=estranged, still married) and I (US 'natives') moved from a suburban location (A) to a more isolated area (B) that we both thought we'd love. He loved it, I didn't and I really never completely 'settled' there. I didn't like the weather, the location, or the political climate. But it really was 'better' as far as finances, recreation, and our DC's lives so I sucked it up, made friends, and found some good things about it to make it tolerable.

Luckily a job change for es-DH took us out of B and put us in an even better one than we left originally. Both DC and es-DH said they'd never want to go back to B. And both DC would love to go back to A, as would I. Maybe someday.....

Big mumti generational family gatherings can sound idealistic. However they are not for everyone. They can be horrendously noisy and filled with squabbling. As someone single and childfree I did what I could to swerve them.

Feel exactly the same, so sorry you’re feeling the same 🌺 do you think you’ll return to your home country?
My Dd is starting to realise more now too and actually said to me a few months ago, ‘Why do we live here if your mummy and daddy live in England?’ just the very basic honesty of kids..but I actually thought ‘I don’t know’ 😔
You don’t realise as much until you have your own children just how important it all is

Clearly there’s marriage issues at play here

Probably because then she wouldn’t see her DD as often and would feel even worse.

I’m assuming she also loves her DH too.