to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

Where was your dad? Why didn't you ask him for help? Where was the father of your children?

You are presenting your mum in a bad light yet you are still upset she doesn't provide you with childcare. If she is this bad, aren't you relieved?

What is your dad doing when she behaves like this? Standing there like a dodo nodding his head? Why doesn't he step in and support you then?
You go on and on about your mum yet so silent about your dad. He is also ignoring you and not providing any childcare.

This chat is getting bizarre. In normal families mums and dads love their kids and care about what happens to them even once they are adults and they are not 'responsible' for them anymore. Even if they can't or don't want to provide regular childcare, it's normal for families to help each other in emergencies and provide occasional support (in both directions). Of course it's not mandatory, but it's what families are all about. I don't know anyone who washes their hands of their children the day they become adults, they still care and help when they can because they love them and they want the best for them. It's so weird to even have to type that.

Nobody is saying wash your hands off children once they become adults.

In my case, I am being asked to give up work or reduce my hours to provide childcare. I cannot afford that. Yes I love them and want the best for them but this does not mean I have to give up my job or reduce my hours to help them.

It is normal to not give up your job to help your adult DC.

If it is so normal to help, why is there not an abundance of grandfathers providing childcare?

My mil sat by my bed looking at her first GC and said never ask me to look after her. We never did. FIL wasn't available as he died when DH was a baby.

My post was addressed to another poster.

But that's her choice. Surely FIL was not the only man in the family. What about brothers, uncles, your own father?

Women get judged when they do not want to provide childcare where it rarely even comes up for men.

I’ve not read everything because a lot of the responses from OP are just so argumentative.

but OP answered it here: they don’t ask their dad because he’s away a lot so physically can’t do it.

I think you’re reading too much into this OP.

both my own dad and FIL are great but never did the bulk of childcare because it wasn’t the done thing. I do hope that the current younger dads will be more hand on grandads too as things have changed. Mine are great with the kids but if they’re babysitting then it’s generally mum/MIL that do the majority as that’s what they’re used to.

I think maybe reframe it and take it as a compliment. They want your help.

the whole discussion around bonding etc isn’t about tit for tat - it’s because you just might not see them as much if they’re in nursery etc!

you do sound quite angry and bitter. Maybe a chat with them will help? What does your husband think?

And to be clear I don’t think you should give up work to help and if you don’t want to then that’s fine.

My husband has no siblings, his uncle and cousins were living on another continent. My father died when I was 12 so before I had children. My siblings were also living overseas. I realise we were careless to lose both our fathers.

Both my husband and dad were nowhere near me when this happened. My husband was on his way home but was going to be a long time. My dad would have helped if he was there. I asked my mum because she was the only one close by. She wasn't even at work at the time, she was at home she just didn't want to. The not providing any childcare I find a bit annoying considering all the help she got, but I can accept that. Refusing to help ever even in emergencies I don't understand at all.

The sad thing about mil is when she died we found what she had written on the back of photos saying how sad she was that she hadn't had time alone with DD, she never told us she had changed her mind.

The problem is that if you said "why don't you ask your father?" the chances are sadly high that the grandfather would let the kid run riot and the Op would have to pick up the extra cleaning, cooking etc

Neither am I angry nor bitter.

Even if I did the bulk of childcare when they were young, it does not mean I want to do it again. Just because they are used to that doesn't mean they can put the childcare on me.

They want my help. The help involves me giving up my job or reducing my hours. It doesn't feel like a compliment. I need to work to pay my bills.

If I don't see them that much because they are nursery, then so be it. I cannot afford to give my job so I can see the GC more.

I have spoken to them and explained my reasons. They continue to ask me again and again.

DH does not think I should do it. We need both our incomes.

Your dad has still not stepped in the rest of the time though, has he? He can't have been far away all the time.

What is your dad doing when she behaves like this? Standing there like a dodo nodding his head? Why doesn't he step in and support you then?

You go on and on about your mum yet so silent about your dad. He is also ignoring you and not providing any childcare.

Hopefully you got all the support you needed from your DH ❤

He's disabled. I had a ten day old baby when the Consultant explained what the future held.

That makes us sound very tragic but we really aren't although I'd love my father to know my kids, he'd get on so well with my eldest GS who is a carbon copy of him.

You're right he isn't providing any childcare, which isn't ideal, both of them could, but he does offer support in other ways, which my mum does not. He would help in emergencies and has taken me and my son to hospital on a different occasion, without trying to make me feel awful about asking first.

You sound amazingly strong.

What does your dad say when your mum makes you feel awful? Is he just staying silent when all this is going on?

It still doesn't make want him to help with childcare. They are both as bad as each other then.

Well you cope with what you have to. Four children, one a baby, caring for husband and working to pay the bills. What doesn't kill you makes you strong. I think staying positive is all you can do.

I suppose family is everything to us due to childhood issues, DH with no father me with a father with a chronic illness throughout my childhood and then a step father who I can't say anything positive about. I have to go, I'm depressing myself.😁

I am so sorry you haven't had the support you need. You truly deserve it ❤

Maybe the answer is to get DS and DD to work together and split the childcare between the couples, so everyone can work. DS can look after his sister's child and vice versa. And they can't say it's too much to look after more kids as that's what they are expecting from you!

If they all drop a day or condense hours that's 4 days sorted out!

(Yes, I'm sure it isn't that easy for them )

Great ideas @Dancingintherain09 and @diddl

I shall suggest this to them next time they start on me!

They must think if they persevere you will give in and do the childcare. Do they have form for this ganging up on you to get their way?
It's very odd to carry on pushing the point after you have said no to them both!

I think life is difficult with working, young children and the cost of living. Having me taking over the childcare seems to be a solution to them although it isn't to me!

Working is so much easier than managing young children, nappies and tantrums!