to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

Whatever re tagging. But at 50 something, you can’t turn back the clock and up your lifetime earnings as a couple. So it’s not a particularly constructive post, even if you are making some kind of debating society point.

So it’s not relevant then that your dh can’t offer it because he travels for work.
Neither of you can and are equal in that
no excuses necessary for either of you

I don't get the posts about your DH making changes to his work. DH and I always earned about the same so I can see a debate on 'who decreases hours' if we were considering doing childcare or whatever. But if one member of the couple (male OR female) earns a great deal more than the other why on Earth would they consider the much higher earner should decrease their hours and probably reduce their lifestyle as a couple and/or affect retirement plans. It simply doesn't make sense.

I wonder if the situation were reversed and you were the higher earner and your DH was being asked to do childcare if those posters would then say that you should reduce your hours and 'step into the breech'.

Well I certainly would because ultimately no one knows what the future holds and whether the other half will be around in the future
The same goes for retirement years if one has a bigger pension than the other and they die.

It’s important for both to build up financial independence, pensions and emotional independence.

So yes I would and the longer that happens the better giving both people an equal opportunity for career progression.

I think generally we appreciate that a lot more now

@ReluctantGM no my mum had a year off to look after me, then he had a year off. Then they both worked and I went to nursery. So it was pretty equal.

Your set up wasn’t equal, more caring fell on you as mother than it did on him as father - backing up a sexist societal set up. You’re annoyed now that your kids are assuming you as a woman will provide care and aren’t making the same assumptions/ demands of your husband - backing up a sexist social set up.

Maybe if your husband had been more hands on in the preschool years, they’d be making those demands of him now. Who knows?

Be annoyed about their demands sure, but the fact that they are asking a woman not a man is probably because they were raised in a house and in a society where that is what happened

My DD has DGC 14 months she's a SAHM, I work 28 hrs a week plus Im in second year of a degree which takes up 20+ hrs a week Im mentally exhausted and also perimenopausal and struggling with sleep issues. Husband work 25 hrs a week as is a military veteran . She wouldn't dream of asking dad but has repeatedly asked me to have baby a day a week so she can have 'a rest'. Ive pointed out her DP is home 3 days a week as he does 12 hr shifts 4 days a week.
And I need a rest too. She says they need 'time together '. Which I find hilarious as my husband and I have only just got to the point where we can do this and we get 1 day a week together. As our work doesn't align. But apparently I'm selfish 🙄

Yep, and the fact that neither male can even negotiate even the most basic compressed hours or flexible working is definitely down to individual circumstances, not broader societal impacts.

The fact that they expect the women in their lives to give up or significantly curtail their careers and prospects, rather than seek any flexibility themselves either via their current employers or seeking more family-friendly roles, is because these two individuals are uniquely unable to do so - not because they've been conditioned to think like this since birth.

You seem determined to believe that your children's upbringings left no imprint and played no role in reinforcing broader stereotypes in them. This may be the case, but it's very unlikely - particularly how they are now perpetuating the cycle of husband with totally inflexible but vital job/wife (or other woman) will have to make the sacrifices.

You are absolutely NOT selfish!
Don't back down!
And well done on doing your degree alongside working pretty much full-time, especially in peri!

Maybe if your husband had been more hands on in the preschool years, they’d be making those demands of him now. Who knows?

Were you there? You have no idea.

You’re annoyed now that your kids are assuming you as a woman will provide care and aren’t making the same assumptions/ demands of your husband - backing up a sexist social set up.

You are making assumptions yourself unless you know me, DH, DD and DS?

Honestly OP, they have some cheek if they are planning for you to look after 3 under 3!.
Bloody hell, that is an enormous ask.
Complete CF's the lot of them.
If you were to give an inch you would be so caught.
Well done for not entertaining this.
Will all that is going on in the world at the moment, I wouldn't be resigning from any job.

Sounds like they didn’t ask your DH because he’s not always in the country, not because he’s a man. My husband travels for work with no rhyme or reason to it, so I can’t rely on him either - but if he didn’t travel abroad to see his customers then we wouldn’t have a mortgage or holidays every year. I like my lifestyle so I accept it. That’s real life. I understand what that’s like, but I don’t really understand why you’ve taken such offence to being asked. Maybe have a chat with them about how it’s coming across.

particularly how they are now perpetuating the cycle of husband with totally inflexible but vital job/wife (or other woman) will have to make the sacrifices.

I have only given very little detail and on that you have made incorrect assumptions. You have no idea of the other factors at play so continue with your armchair theories.

I haven't taken offence but I just resent being pressured. Many of my friends are unhappily providing childcare for GC so I keep seeing again and again how women are pressurised into providing care in a way that men are not.

Yes I wasn’t there that’s why I said “maybe” and “who knows”.

I really don’t see how I can be making assumptions by saying you’re annoyed that your kids are assuming you as a woman will provide care and aren’t making the same assumptions/ demands of your husband.

You say in your OP…

“Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?”

Because most of us spent half the week living at our grandparents in the 80s/90s/00s. My Mum never saw me all weekend but has babysat for my child 0 times.

This surely depends on whether your parents settled in the same area as they grew up in?

I knew very few people who spent half the week at their grandparents.

@Hatty65 no she lives 15 mins away

It is always the mums mentioned in these situations not the dads.

I don't know why Op is getting flak for having been a SAHM.

It's hardly radical!

What is strange is that because she gave up work to look after her own kids, they now seem to think that she should give up work to look after theirs!

It's not easy brain fog and fatigue is a nightmare.

I have explained when our kids were little ie her and siblings (I had 3 of them), I was alone for weeks/months at a time, DH was away and we lived on base away from family support. I did 24/7 alone when my husband was away either deployed or on training etc and never had "a rest", So she has it easy having her DP home 3 days week. Even when home he worked 8am -6pm and I did childminding on top until 6.30pm.
She just can't see how easy her life is. 🙄😬

Because it’s mostly mums who are/were the primary carer for their children.

If someone grew up with a father who wasn’t around much, or when he was didn’t do much caring for them, they’re not suddenly going to turn to him as adults for help, are they?

I have jobs over the summer but each to their own. I don't have as far to travel but I enjoy going to see them and trying to make the most of our time together as my mum and dad are getting older and I want my kids to have a relationship with them. My in-laws live round the corner so we see them a couple of times a week. Everyone has different priorities.

If my children have children, then provided I'm healthy though and have either retired or can afford to take the hit, I absolutely will do childcare for a couple of days a week (give or take).

This is what my parents do for me. What my grandparents did for my parents, and what my great grandparents did for my grandparents. For at least a century (the mums have always worked in my family), the previous generation provided that support. My parents were grateful for the help they received, as am I from them. I will pay it forward with my own children if they have children, and I hope in turn they will be able to pay it forward too.

My parents moved hundreds of miles so that could be there for their grandchildren. We very much try to make sure we don't take advantage of their kindness. Seeing the bond the children have with them is amazing.

Most of us?

Stats, please.

The grandparents on both sides lived a couple of hours away for me, and also for my kids.

Well, that's pretty much 'the same area' surely? My GPs were 2 hours away so I certainly didn't spend half the week at their house.

My own DC have GPs who are roughly 400 miles away.