to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

@Hatty65 I thought you meant my mother, who lives 15 minutes away from me but has never babysat. My own Grandparents were half an hour away.

This wasn’t true for anyone I knew. Growing up in the 80s my friends and I would usually visit grandparents at the weekend. We certainly didn’t spend half our lives with them.

I put zero pressure on mine and dont expect anything. They were great parents to me but its time for them to enjoy life. They therefore only have our DC for ad hoc fun days out (at their suggestion). Otherwise, I'll invite them somewhere but I'm always there too. For day to day, I pay my way haha!

That's awful of your DC to suggest you stop your paid work. They should definitely ask your DH if they are asking you.

However, I would say that the point about not having such a close relationship with your GC will be relevant. And this will apply to both you and your DH so its not an issue of sex / gender. It's just a shame it's not possible due to both of you needing to work.

Obviously stereo typing here, but think this goes back to what the grandfathers were like as Dads. If you DH was a bit more hands off as a parent and leaving the lions share to you then it won’t seem natural for your DD and DS to envision him helping with childcare.

My Mum and grandmother think my DP is the world’s best dad because he does his share of the load. When I suggested that I wouldn’t be pleased for him going out for the football followed by a curry (essentially a whole day out) when I am pregnant and had our 3 year old the day before alone my grandmother scolded me saying he needs his free time as well and that my grandad would spend hours upon hours at the pub. So from that side of things the women were seen as the natural carers in my family, despite them all also working.

On the other hand, my DPs dad has our DD once a week. As soon as we told I was pregnant he put his retirement plans in place. He genuinely enjoys having DD, she loves him and our private nursery are flexible so if he can’t have her for whatever reason like going on holiday or something which comes up with the freelance stuff he still does then she can go to nursery for the extra day. He takes her to a playgroup where there are loads of other grandparents, mainly women but he has seen a few grandfathers.

I do feel like millennials have it especially hard with this generation of grandparents. Many of us spent a lot of time with our grandparents providing care for us as children. But when having our own children grandparents are either unwilling or unable to provide childcare on helpful basis for working purposes. We are lucky with one day per week. But I have friends whose parents are retired and live nearby who offered one after a fortnight (which is pretty much useless in terms of scheduling care around this) but then complain they only see their grandchildren on occasional weekends. Feel like the big financial divide between young families is their childcare situation, a different friend didn’t need to use formal childcare until the preschool year because she had 2 sets of grandparents covering it all week, they had so much more disposable income to go on holidays etc.

I don’t really understand this “not close relationship” thing. I had a lovely relationship with mine and neither did any day to day childcare - just family visits at Xmas or other holidays plus maybe Dbro and I would stay a night or two without mum and dad once we were past the pre school stage. And this is all pre zoom etc so phone calls, letters and a few visits a year.

How many grandchildren are there, and what are their ages (I know you said they're all 3 or under)? I'm thinking at least 3 from your phrasing.

Which is a huge ask, looking after that number of very young children all at once. That would be utterly exhausting.

And that's setting aside the ridiculous issue that they expect you to reduce your own working hours in order to look after their children.

How many days do they want you to do? What other options have they considered?
And do they want you to do it because your labour would be free, or because they'd prefer family looking after them?

I completely agree with your decision not to do it. I'm really shocked that they are putting pressure on you to change your mind.

It's quite disheartening that after years of trying to improve women's rights and opportunities that we are still here - women expected to compromise their lives to prison

OP, you are 100% NBU.

I don’t get why people think you’re selfish or say your GC won’t visit you when they are older. You can develop a loving relationship with the GC without being a (free?) babysitter.

I’d be pissed off too that your DC think you can give up some/all of your work to look after their kids that they chose to have, but they haven’t asked your DH for the same.

It is sexist and your DC are taking you for granted

I can sort of see both sides. I would absolutely never expect my mum to give up her job to provide regular childcare for me. She can’t afford to stop working and I completely understand that. However, it does irritate me when she never offers to look after my children even on a weekend every once in a while, and accuses me of “not taking responsibility for my own children” when I have asked for help very rarely in an emergency. Her mum looked after me and my sister all the time for free, and she wouldn’t have been able to afford to go back to work after having her own children without this support, so by her own logic she certainly didn’t take responsibility for her own children either.

You sound very much like my friend. I think her children really take advantage of her and take her for granted.

Perhaps she is too tired to look after your children at the weekend if she is working in the week. Parents of young children seem to forget that their parents are no longer young. There is a reason why women stop being able to have children in their 50s. Small children are hard work and people get more tired as they get older.

@ReluctantGM Unless they are very stupid they should realise that it would be difficult for you to get a job if you lost your current one due to wanting less hours

I agree. Personally I’d feel very unsafe taking a toddler or young child out when they can run faster than me. If they legged it I’d never be able to catch them!

Her mum was the same age as she is now when she provided very regular free childcare. My grandma looked after me constantly from when my mum went back to work when I was 9 months old, and never made a fuss or expected anything in return. And I wouldn’t even be asking for any kind of regular childcare. Even a couple of times a year so I can very rarely spend some time with just my husband would be wonderful, but she won’t consider it. It just seems a bit unfair that I’m expected to do everything with no village and no support when that wasn’t an expectation she ever put on herself. It’s also a shame because I am very close to my grandma, and my children barely know who my mum is, despite her living very close to them.

That's life for many parents though. Certainly in my second pregnancy I was disabled enough through SPD that I could barely hobble after my toddler, let alone run as fast as them. So we did things that meant I didn't need to, or I used reins. You go to a fenced in park, or play in your garden etc. It never felt a problem as the risk was managed.

When are women allowed a life?

OP can you let us know why neither your DS or DSIL can compress their hours or adopt flexible working patterns, at least for a couple of years to support their wives back to work please (beyond they don’t want to because of earning more)

They’re not “required” to raise your children, that’s your job.

Are your relationships purely transactional?

Even if OP were to give up her job no pressure should be applied on her to "give in" and she shouldn't yield to her DC's emotional blackmailing. She can bond with her grandchildren by having fun with them in her spare time.
She's done with childcare especially as she's already looked after one of her own for a few years into his adulthood.
OP deserves some peace and respect.

Vote for political parties that will offer a better future for younger people then so that they can afford either to work less or pay more childcare. This will probably mean older people giving up some of the financial advantages they currently enjoy.

YANBU.

Not to get too personal, but I had no family help when my children were little - my parents lived too far away, and husband's were still working. We used a nursery. Yes it was expensive, yes we had to make sacrifices - but we made the decision to have children?!

I just wrote a long paragraph about my sister but deleted it - suffice it to say, she has very unrealistic and quite upsetting expectations for other people, that include her wanting limitless childcare from our aging parents and expecting that when she gets married abroad in 3 years my family of 5 will be able to afford it. When we have had one holiday abroad in 10 years. Because we can just save for it, right?

Anyway. Irrelevant. I agree with you OP.

Personally I have always mucked in with childcare for grandaughters. My daughter inlaw asked me we had a conversation about what each of us expected. I think it helped women to woman .my hubby just comes along with me .he helps with school drop offs pick ups homework that kind of thing. I always did the baby care .
But it is part time set days unless an emergency but I was retired early
And honestly desperate to help .but that's ME and I totally agree each to there own no pressure should be put on anyone who obviously doesn't want to .

My DSD has unfriended her DD and me on SM as we won’t take annual leave to look after DG so she can go to work.

😳
there's so much entitled behaviour going on !
what is wrong with people