to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

I have seen this play out in families were the grandmother ends up running herself ragged, making herself ill whilst the adults carry on having babies who "granny loves" having. I have met grannies to old and ill to care for young kids anymore at the school gate who are clearly miserable and resentful because at 70 they thought they would be resting.

Keep saying no.Ultimately you work full time and cannot care for them anyway and even if you were retired its not your responsibility. They are your grandchildren not your children. If you decide to retire it should be because you want to for you.

Several examples on this thread and plenty of threads on MN (some of which have been mentioned on this thread)

An NCT friend had her parents do childcare 5 days a week; those GPs had her two plus their two cousins. In that case, the GPs were AFAIK very willing to do it and missed the kids when they went to school. Distant relative, however, has her mum help out and the other DD resents not getting the same treatment for her two kids.

A teacher friend used to have her mum come over Wed evenings so she could stay late and do marking. Again, willing (AFAIK).

I don’t know many people who use their parents for regular childcare but those are three - of varying degrees- just off the top of my head.

I agree with you; I’d make sure they know that you won’t be providing childcare when you do reduce your hours or retire. I was clear before children came that I wouldn’t want to be a childminder; I’d get annoyed if they kept on bringing this up!

It’s really not as widespread as people think.

It’s really not widespread at all.

My children were in nursery full time, as were my friends’ children, colleagues’ children and relatives’ children. Or they had reduced their hours.

Nurseries where I am are numerous, but all have waiting lists.

In fact, most children are in nursery.

64% of children aged 0-3 attend nursery in the UK.

It’s around 90% for children aged 3-4.

That doesn’t take into consideration the number of SAHPs.

Where are all these grandparents providing this level of child care?

Personally, I don’t think they exist.

This seems an entirely adequate response to me.
Just keep repeating this

Same here. We looked after our toddler grandson two days a week when we were in our mid to late 60's. We had been retired some time though. Such fun - lots of different activities with him, bounce and rhyme at the library, lots of walks in the forest, and plenty of home-based stuff. It gave us a fabulous relationship with him, and he still asks to come to us for sleepovers and we all go out as a family in the holidays.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world - we have such a lovely relationship and he loves coming here. We felt we were too old to do the same for his little brother, and my daughter understood - it would have been too much for us and it wouldn't have been safe for him, with our less than quick reactions. However we helped her financially instead. We have fun with both children though - we're so lucky and I love seeing them and spending time with them - yes, it can be tiring but it makes me so happy to be part of their world.

But there's no 'one size fits all' and it's absolutely ok for you to refuse as you're still working.

I know no one. Neither friends or relatives
The one set of grandparents that cared for one 10 plus year old was only because her mother was in a psych hospital due to drug addictions and deemed not a fit parent

Other than them I know no one. My kids went to three different schools with completely different children. So that’s a lot of families not using grandparents for childcare

Everyone paid, had live in help or worked around the hours.

Where are all these grandparents providing this level of child care?
Personally, I don’t think they exist.

Things you haven’t experienced do exist.

And if those stats are for children attending nursery at all (especially those using largely the free hours), it doesn’t mean that grandparents aren’t doing a day or two a week alongside nursery.

Great. I know some people (or knew - only one of the above cases still has children of childcare age).

Life’s rich tapestry, eh?

💯

So 4 parents would like Op to give up work/work part time/change her hours.

All things that they can't or won't do!

And so the dads perpetuate the cycle, a the mothers will end up financially disadvantaged in the future as a result. How depressing that "earning more" means they can't even look at compressed hours.

Do they know that you staying home was financial necessity, not choice?

Did they not think to make any plans for this before they had DC?

They honestly sound very entitled. It's one thing asking for occasional baby sitting or whether you could help out in an emergency, but another level of CFery to expect you to give up / cut down work to provide them with childcare. Even if you were retired it shouldn't be expected either.

Both sets of our parents lived too far away to provide regular care, though they did sometimes have DC to stay during school holidays. That was a great help and much appreciated but we would never have expected it or asked for it, it was offered. But our DC and our responsibility.

And I am appalled by some of the responses on here who seem to suggest if their parents don't provide them with free childcare then they won't do anything to facilitate a relationship with the GC or help their elderly parents when they are frail.

They haven't asked the other grandparents to move nearer because it would mean the grandparents selling up and leaving their jobs which is too big an ask.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/latest-news/articles/2017/september/five-million-grandparents-take-on-childcare-responsibilities/

The survey revealed that the vast majority (89%) of the five million grandparents who provided regular care do so at least once a week:

• one in 10 (12%) looking after their grandchildren at least once a day
• a fifth (18%) look after them 4-6 times a week
• two-fifths (38%) look after them 2-3 times a week

Just over half (51%) of these grandparents providing regular care did so for up to five years and a further 28% did so for between 5-10 years, with well over half (57%) saying their help had enabled their own child/ children to work more to support their family.

Because they are the ones who have asked her?

I think the unreasonable people are your DC for not accepting your first refusal.

You answer your own question "Why not the same pressure on grandfathers?" Because your DH travels for work and earns more, so your household relies more on his salary than your own.

Yes myself and DH have told the DC many times things were difficult for us and I stayed home because of financial necessity.

Tbh if they are making such an unreasonable request of you they should be exploring everything
If I were you I’d mention this

Ultimately they are the children’s parents and not you
You've done your childcare years and now is your time for a career
or your husbands to offer the help that he didn’t (couldn’t ?wouldn’t? ) commit to when yours were young.

Personally the biggest issue is the sexist aspect of this ask and I’d be pushing the request onto your dh to deal with. Just as I would be expecting the other dads to look at childcare as a shared parental responsibility and not just on their wives.

@ReluctantGM thanks for those stats on GP childcare. Data always more useful than anecdotes!

Yes, I never said these GP don’t exist. I just said that I don’t know any and speculated that maybe the ones that are doing this tend to know others who are doing it, leading to a greater feeling of pressure and the idea that it is society-wide, where as another PP has now provided stats, it seems to be the minority rather than majority.

Assume you won't be expecting elderly care from your daughter when you are older then?

@tiptoethrutulipshes done this - she lies to his face and says she never has them/ hasn’t seen them for weeks.. or says she isn’t going to have them and then just does… but forgets he lives a mere 2 doors down so can see exactly when she has them. It’s really odd.

where as another PP has now provided stats, it seems to be the minority rather than majority

Oh, I never thought it was a majority 🙂

though a PP (not you 🙂) said they didn’t think such grandparents existed…

Probably not from her DD or her DS, no, which is why it’s prudent for her and DH to work and build savings and pensions

ETA not to mention that all kids and kids-in-law will also be working when OP might need such care.