to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

That's gone completely over the head of some posters, as if they were magically incubated far away.

There is a huge difference between parents who had zero interest in their grandchildren, never engaged, were never ever available to them, even in emergencies, and those who were interested and engaged, but not prepared to provide weekly committed childcare.

I can understand if your parents were the former over many years that you might balk at them suddenly expect you to be at their beck and call as they slowed down.

My friend who was in that very situation made it very clear to her parents that whilst she wanted to support them, she and her husband were not available for shopping, appointments, housework and gardening.
They had plenty of money and it would have to be spent on these services. They were far too busy running after their children.

Expecting grandchildren you have never bothered at all with, to suddenly become interested in you during their busy teen years is hugely unrealistic.

My grandparents provided zero childcare but where mad about us, and us them, and my parents were very good to them.

One grandparent was an incredible cook and baker and when she would visit, my mother happily allowed her take over the kitchen.

Free childcare is definitely not a prerequisite to deep meaningful relationships with your grandchildren.

That would be hard work if you had them all together which would eventually happen.

It is too much for me. They say they find it hard and they are much younger than me.

I think it might be worth asking them this.

Stick to your guns, OP.

I do not think you are unreasonable. You are correct to prioritize your finances.
Why cannot your DD and DIL law support each other- each gaining one working day and one day covering for the other

Schooling and child care are both services required by working parents to help them bring up their children.

Precisely they find it hard work work but expect you to cut your hours and pick up the slack.

on top of which they are happy to deprive you of your ability to have some financial independence.

Again where are the dads in this equation? Why should it be the women doing this crazy juggling act?

This is what @ReluctantGM could suggest

I just do not get why:
a. Soo many adult children are clearly entitled CFs,
and b. Why the grandparents/grandmothers don’t tell said CF adult children to fuck the fuck off.
If you want to help with childcare, great. Good for you. Many don’t, or can’t, or both. My mum did no childcare. She was clear she had done her bit (us!). She was very close to her grandkids, and spent a lot of quality time with them, without the responsibility of looking after them or ‘parenting’ them. As it should be.

You seem angry or frustrated at someone, enough to start this thread. Just say you can’t afford it and be done with it. You could always express how disappointed you are that they asked, as that’s how it seems. That should end the discussion.

Wow that's a huge ask. I have 3 kids and its exhausting but I have never had 3 under 3 due to a larger age gap between some of the kids. No way would I look after 3 kids under 3 for anyone.

Maybe next time one of them mentions it reiterate no and that you work full time and that will not be changing under any circumstances but maybe tell them to speak to each other and try arrange childcare between them all. Throw it back to them everytime. If they say we cant do X hours reply with " legally your employer has to consider flexible working requests from parents so put one in each". If the Dad's could compress hours to 4 day weeks and the mums work different days they could easily cover most childcare between them. Also childcare is funded in some parts of the country from 9 months and other parts from 3 years surely they can access some of this?

This is a them problem not a you one. They should not have had 3 kids without factoring in childcare costs etc. Also out of curiosity is it just you getting the pressure or are the other grandparents?

As l thought, NADCALT is something you decided to make up.

None of my friends get any childcare off parents, people either pay for it and/or do compressed hours. I have 1 acquaintance who gets help off her parents but that’s it. My work colleagues don’t get any grandparent help either, 1 gets help off her sister but that’s it. A colleague and l were only talking about this on Thursday; she has a 15 year old and a 10 year old, she’s got zero childcare off of her parents. Like me her expectations are low. It’s really not as widespread as people think

I think you would end up with all of them together and being expected to care for all new grandchildren.

This is what I suspect.

Wow - just realised what a bullet I dodged by being single and childfree. Of course I dont have grandchildren but I do have grand nephews and nieces. Living in another city and being a non driver thankfully lets me off the hook for childcare. I run a business so I have had a couple of my grand nieces over for the day to give thm some work experience so I could do them a reference.

I had my last child in my early 40's and it was tiring.
Now in my early 60's I cannot imagine doing childcare on a regular basis, and I am fit.
My best buddy finds the odd day she does it for adorable granddaughter shattering.
Having seen the toll it took on my lovely SIL, I haven't a notion of it.
Emergency care for sure.
Childcare costs needs to be factored into the decision to have children.
Its a huge cost, but it is not MY burden to carry in my 60's.
Perhaps unpalatable for some, but so be it.

Other grandparents live too far away to make it work.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

"I earn about £40 an hour. Are you going to pay me my going rate to go 'part time' so that you can work? I still have bills to pay and am paying into a pension. Do you seriously think another adult should give up work, or cut their hours down to look after your child? What makes you think it is my responsibility rather than yours to look after your child?"

Maybe it’s more prevalent in certain circles? Especially if DC hear about their parents friends doing it, maybe they put pressure on their DP to do it?

But yes, I don’t know a single person who even gets help like this, let alone expects it/pressures anyone for it.

Okay so not an option then

I totally agree with you. When I married I took on dsd (happily) and over the next 11 years had three more. Dh and I worked shifts opposite each other so that we didn’t require childcare although my mum looked after ds1 for a few hours every couple of weeks until ds2 arrived. She did very little other childcare but visited regularly and my boys were very close to her.

When dsd had my little dgs I was clear that I wouldn’t do regular childcare but would help in emergencies (and yes, it was me that was asked and not her dad). As it turned out, he has some disabilities so I have helped more than I originally intended but I consider that “special circumstances “. My other adult children are aware that I won’t do regular childcare but will help them out in the same way if necessary.

@ReluctantGM I think you just need to be quite blunt and tell them that your child raising days are over and you want to enjoy your grandchildren. Three under three is a ridiculous ask anyway. Dd and ddil could both work part time and look after each other’s children on their days off. That would let the children spend time together!

Depends on the distance really
but if these parents are so entitled to expect OP to give up everything
they should be asking the other grandparents to move nearer.
Both expectations are equally unreasonable

Have they asked them OP ?
and if they haven't asked why not ?

The sexism of the expectation is what upsets me most. Thankfully I have heard so such rumblings from mine, but she is still a teenager.

I earn a hell of a lot more than my child would pay for even the most expensive childcare. Quitting my job to provide childcare would be ridiculous.