to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

I get that, life is busy and travelling with children long distance is a pain. I'm a busy teacher with 2 primary school kids and my husband works full time but we make time to see my family and forge relationships but I come from a big family and we have always been close and look out for one another. I appreciate that not everyone thinks or does the same.

If you are in charge of your parents money if they are in a care home you have a legal duty to use it for their best interests and care. Not to make decisions based on your own ideas of what should be.

If you are not in charge of their finances, their money is precisely that.

How am I doing the exact same thing as them?

DD asked me to do childcare so she can go back to work. DS asked me to do childcare so his DW can go back to work. DIL did not ask me.

I said no to both.

How am I doing the same thing as them?

Whereas this would not be suggested to grandfathers.

“So DIL can go back to work”

What about your DS? He could not work or go part time.

YANBU.
My mum has never provided regular childcare because she has her own life and has a successful, full time career. She set her boundaries when I was pregnant and I respected them.

DM didn't actually have DD overnight without me until she was about 5, although we travel down did stay over every few weeks, and DM would spend lots of time with DD throughout those visits, and essentially do the fun and easy bits.

My mum's boundaries haven't affected her relationship with me or DD. The two of them have a very strong bond. Now DD is secondary age and can do the things DM enjoys, and entertain herself if my mum WFH they spend a lot of time together. DD stays over at least one weekend a month, and stays for about 2 weeks each summer. But if she didn't it would be fine 😅

Have your son ask her directly, and point out the support/love/resources she's literally throwing at his brother. Insist upon a response as to why.

Jez this is the most pointless thread ever.

Why do you keep engaging then?

I may have missed it, OP, but why have your dc asked this of you?

Are there any reasons other than this would be their preference?

For the record @ReluctantGM im actually in total agreement with you!

The but I find disappointing about this whole discussion is that rather than us saying, hang on a minute why is society not valuing working mothers and looking at good affordable child care and serious paternity leave we end up fighting among ourselves about personal expectations. We need to redirect our anger!

I’m not talking about when they’re already in a care home. I’m talking about the lead up to them needing care. Elderly people can and do have mental capacity, so don’t need their assets being looked after. They may need to go in a home due to mobility issues, which may have crept up gradually. But some are discouraged from doing so because their children want their inheritance protected, so try to cobble a care in their own home package together which doesn’t necessarily work for the elderly parent. What I’m saying is that the house their elderly parent lives in is theirs to use to be looked after properly in a care home if they want that.

Quiet Easter Sunday 🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP out of curiosity what sort of ages are the children? Are we talking babies, under 3s, school age etc? Also is it possible your dd and ds have spoken to each other to try "encourage" you to give up work to "help"?

It's not fair, no.

But it's what was modelled to them, and that leaves very strong imprints about whose role is whose.

In their minds, you are probably the one with the greater skills and capabilities in this area and so they default to you. They may also perceive I've that it was more preference than necessity that you took on that role.

Their repeatedly demanding this and asking you to cut your hours is appalling behaviour - as is the sexist characterisation that this is to enable the women to go back to work. Why aren't the dads compressing hours or going part time?

But what absolutely takes the cake is the suggestion that their father shouldn't be asked to cut his hours as he earns more. I'd honestly ask them if they are seriously asking you to cut your already diminished earning capacity to prioritise his and theirs.

My FIL had the kids when DH and I went on holiday. I get that he’s probably unusual in that. We’ve been very spoiled on both sides with grandparents 💖

Your tone throughout when talking about your grandchildren. Nothing to do with your kid’s very unreasonable demands on you.

Sad but surprised to see this sexist entitlement still going on. It's because society doesn't really respect women's choices in the same way as they respect men's time & choices. They're not allowed to just exist for themselves. Their main purpose has to be in service to their family or to the wider community in some way, a free social service to be called upon, otherwise they're demonised.

What tone is that?

It was financial necessity that I looked after the DC when they were young rather than DH rather than preference.

The dads are not compressing hours or going part time because they earn more.

I have said I cannot afford to give up work or go part time. My pension is already low because I took time out when the DC were young.

All under 3 including babies.

I suspect they have spoken to each other about this. It is win win for both of them. Plus the children would get to spend time together.

I don’t put any pressure on my parents or in laws. It was in fact my step dad who volunteered to help us when I returned to work but my husband works shifts (nurse) and I condensed my hours so it wasn’t a regular thing. Then my mum and MIL got jealous and both chose to retire slightly early so they could help out. We need about 4 days of childcare a month in average whilst we both work so they do about 2 days each for my mil and my parents. They love it and if there are weeks we don’t need childcare they ask for time with her but I would never expect it. If they wanted to stop tomorrow I would just use a childminder for my daughter and would hold no grudges.

Your children are being unreasonable if they have asked and you have said no, that should be the end of the conversation.

Have you told them this?

My pension is already low because I took time out when the DC were young.

I have worked for 35 years I am not committing to regular childcare for either DD or DS. Happy to help out occasionally with babysitting or the odd trip but hell no to regular days.

I am already supporting my parents and my in-laws so I don’t need more to do.

Yes but they think it is OK because DH earns well.

Which is irrelevant in terms of your pension
Don’t they think you have a right to financial independence