to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

I think you’re being completely reasonable.

When I was growing up my parents didn’t get any childcare help from their parents as they all lived hours away.

I don’t think having children should entail any obligation to provide any childcare for grandchildren. Equally, parents shouldn’t place any pressure on their children to provide them with grandchildren. I’ve always been grateful that my parents never suggested either me or my brother owed them grandchildren. Now that my brother has children, my parents don’t provide regular childcare, though will help out in an emergency.

But then everyone in my family tends to have children late so my parents and grandparents only became grandparents in their late 70s/80s, which is probably a factor

Also just to add, my DC have a great relationship with my FIL who we used to visit once a week-once a fortnight until he moved a little further away and now it’s about once a month, and he has never had them on his own.

You don’t need to “provide childcare” to have a good relationship with your GC. I think a lot of the time it’s the particular vibe from the GP saying they don’t want to babysit that would make a difference there. My own DM doesn’t really like kids and is very uptight and critical. So while she has said since before I ever had DC that she wouldn’t help, it’s her personality that will affect my DCs relationship with her later on (as it has mine with her) rather than babysitting duties.

Christ. And you had the cheek to ask if something is wrong with me 😱

If my parents had approached the school back in the Eighties when DB and i were kids and said Sorry but we think its ridiculous school hours dont fit around our jobs they would have been laughed at.

Says a lot about you.

What I find interesting about your posts is that you’re angry at your children but not angry at your DH. All you say is ‘he travels for work’. So what?

Your anger is at the women not at the men. Not very feminist is it?

Get angry at your DD DH and at your DS and your DH. Not at the women trying to survive the bloody impossible world of working and mothering.

Glad you picked up on it too.

YANBU.

What is the solution?

Presumably your dc and their spouses should either pay for full-time professional childcare, and/or equally share the burden by cutting their hours to be able to look after your dgc.

Have you suggested this?

Funding is now available from 9 months for 30 hours which helps.

What should she be angry about? It’s the women asking her to work less hours, not the men.

Really? Since when is it only the women’s role to arrange childcare???

Fuck me the men of this world get off Scott free

And what does it say about me, exactly?

On what planet is raising your children, helping them?

Children can’t raise themselves. It’s your legal responsibility as a parent to raise your child. It isn’t help.

What kind of person would even view it as such? You shouldn’t be allowed to have children if you see raising your children as some kind of favour to them, rather than your responsibility.

It actually scares me the kind of people that are out there in the world, raising children.

I can't believe they expect you to cut your hours to provide childcare! They chose to have children, they need to take responsibility for them. I'm staggered by the number of people who have children and then seem shocked that they aren't dolls who can be put away in a drawer when it's convenient.

She’s answered this - they say that her DH both earns more and travels more (ie they deem his job as less expendable than hers)

I don't really have skin in the game because I have no grandchildren and from the looks of things I won't in the future.

But what I don't understand is why (apparently) these 'future parents' don't consider the costs of childcare before they have children. Or at least sound out the grandparents before they get pregnant so they know how things stand.

Certainly DH and I factored in the cost of childcare before we started our family. With DS1 both grandmothers were still working. Our dads were of the generation where dads didn't really do much baby/young child tasks so we really didn't consider them. With DS2 we still factored it in before TTC and decided we could afford 2 lots of childcare, however my MiL (by then retired) volunteered and we took her up on it. She did it for 2 years, God bless her, until DS2 started preschool. But if she had decided to stop, we could have afforded childcare.

And it just amazes me that after getting pregnant, adult children will turn to their parents and say "By the way, you will do childcare, won't you?" and then get upset when told 'No'.

I understand that plans for childcare can fall apart and accidental pregnancies occur, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about taking it for granted as a regular thing when planning a family.

Reported.

Ask the women who are asking her?

My DM is ninety. She retired two months before her eightieth birthday full time work in a poultry factory and not in the fucking office either. On the factory floor.
And when DB and i were kids she didnt expect the school to accomodate it either.

😂😂

Where did I say I am angry at my DC?

I have a DS and a DD who have asked for childcare.

Yes my DH travels for work. That is the reason the DC have given for not asking DH to do childcare because he is away and they need regular reliable childcare. They are not asking him to give up work and neither can he afford to give up work.

Why do I need to get angry at my DH?

Even where the woman earns more it’s rarely even suggested that a man takes a step back & goes pt or SAH with the DC. Men’s jobs are always more important even if he’s in a low skilled, low paid role.

I have said I cannot give up work or reduce my hours. How they then choose to arrange their lives is upto them. They are adults.

Well done!

I wonder if part of the anger you feel is because in some way you feel guilty for saying no?

You absolutely should not, of course!

Because you’re cross that it’s always the grandmother who’s asked! So im
saying why don’t you say - no im
mot doing that but why don’t the men of the family come up with a solution.

Men can change their jobs, it’s not just women you know!

Im actually on your side and agreeing with you, but what I’m saying is I find it odd that you’re dismissing your DH as part of the solution. He just gets an easy pass, as do many men because somehow their jobs are more important or less flexible!

People are claiming their DM or MIL loves looking after their GC. That may well be the case for some. I have friends who were pressurised into doing childcare and they want to stop but they can't because the DD/DIL are so dependent on them. They feel unable to say they are unhappy doing the care.