to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

She wasn’t “lumbered” with it, she chose it.

Not really blackmail. I don’t have time to go see them. 4 hour round trip with 2 kids when I get 2 days off a week? Nope nope nope. My weekends are NEEDED to recharge for the week ahead. I don’t have the time to be gallivanting round the country when I need to rest

While I agree that it's unfair to have expectations of women rather than men, I find the idea of not helping my children out when they have kids of their own absolutely baffling. My grandparents looked after me and DB multiple times a week, with at least one sleepover every week. My DH's parents had regular childcare from grandparents, who also had them while his parents holidayed aboard regularly. Guess how much help we've had? Pretty much nothing, of course! We've never asked and, other than the odd instance of baby sitting that I can count on my fingers in a decade, we've relied on ourselves entirely and spent tens of thousands of pounds on childcare. My DC love their grandparents but they have remained largely strangers to them which I find heartbreaking. When my kids have kids, I very much hope to be able to provide some childcare for them. Not because I'm a women, but because they're my babies, and I'd hate to see them struggle as much as we have financially and emotionally as parents. It takes a village and the struggle is real when you don't have one.

WHAT!?!

No, raising your children isn’t helping them for fucks sake 😂

I paid my Mum to help with my children when I returned to work. Mum was doing adhoc supply teaching at the time so the two days she did for me meant she couldn’t do other paid work. I was happy to pay what I would have paid a nanny. I worked long hours in a legal role and knowing my kids were with Nanna two days gave me peace of mind.

She brought them up!

It’s difficult on all sides. When I was a kid very few mums worked, so the child care was sorted that way. These days it is more common that both parents have to work to pay the bills but it leaves a big gap in childcare.

I don’t have any children but if I did I would have almost no help from grandparents because my parents live 200 miles
away and his Mum has very limited mobility so wouldn’t be able to look after a baby and we wouldn’t expect her to either. My parents would probably come down every now and then to see the baby and probably want to take them out for the day or something, but that would be totally their choice. I wouldn’t expect them to.

She brought them up!

And?

That’s what your supposed to do when you have children.

I think you're right that, in general, where there is an assumption/expectation that grandparents will provide childcare, it is assumed the grandmother is actually the one taking responsibility for the care. The grandfather may be in the home somewhere, but they're not planning activities, cooking an appropriate lunch, changing the child's clothes if they get dirty etc.

I'm really shocked that your children have actually suggested you reduce your working hours in order to provide them with free childcare! YANBU to decline. And I don't agree with those that say, if you're not prepared to do any childcare, you don't get to see your grandchildren. What's wrong with inviting a grandparent over for lunch/dinner, or meeting up at a National Trust venue or something like that so they can actually ENJOY the time with their grandchildren, without it actually feeling like unpaid work?

I think where feelings are mixed is when a grandparent expected loads of unpaid childcare from their own parents, yet doesn't wish to care for their own grandchildren. If children have grown up spending every holiday with grandparents, it's not that much of a surprise that they expect this is normal and get a shock when their parents later refuse.

Oh stop it!

It's very far from settled science, it's one hypothesis.

It's awful they're pressuring you like that. My parents don't work but they said early on they didn't want to provide regular childcare and i took their word for that and have never once tried to change their mind, my brother and SIL have though by changing work/nursery days and expecting my parents to pick up the slack.

@CinnamonJellyBeans I doubt there are many people who spend 30 years in retirement. People who pay into a pension are not being paid by the state for doing nothing. They have paid into a pension scheme during their earlier years, have paid NI contributions and that is what they are living on.

I worked full time, didn’t retire at 60 and don’t know anyone who did. I have helped my children financially and practically. They’ve had housing help as well as other practicalities and they’ve had childcare help.

Many people who are not in paid employment are volunteers. I’ve been a school governor in two schools, CAB trained, helped out in local primary schools and volunteered in a library. I’ve never been on a Saga holiday- they’re way too expensive. I’ve never played bingo. I have been to Zumba, Yoga, Pilates and line dancing classes.

She's got a job though!

Out of interest, did you grandparents help look after you and your brother?
There are a lot of "I've done my time" grandparents that are shocking their kids expect help from them and call their kids entitled. But they set that expectation by having their own parents help out with childcare when their kids were little.

It’s the bear minimum you do when you have children 😂

This is exactly what happened with my mum. I never asked her to do every day childcare for us but she really spent very little time with the children overall. Of course they have no interest in her now

Hi op your right the men who work barely get asked you shouldn’t have to give up your job to do more childcare when they decide to have kids of their own it’s their responsibility to take care of their kids. If you were retired maybe I could understand them asking but considering there asking you to give up your life so they can carry on with there life is entitlement at its best. Op a lot of woman want to and have to work but if you enjoy it why should you give anything up for them. There kids, there choice, there responsibility just tell them one more time I’m sorry childcare is expensive but I am not offering to give up my job and income for you to go to work so no more discussions on this subject a lot of mothers work without grandma helping. Also we all know who have had kids it hard work and working is good for our mental health.

It’s hard to say whether the YANBU vote applies to what people think in general, or just as a response to your situation.

In your situation, YANBU. Your kids should not expect this of you or put pressure on you and they are being CF.

But as to society in general… I don’t know a single person who even gets help with childcare from their parents let alone expects it. I know a couple of families where the GP babysit or have the GC for dinner fairly regularly, but I don’t know any that cover childcare so their kids can work.

I’m struggling to understand though, why you posted this a feminist sort of problem (why is grandmothers and not grandfathers who are expected to do this) but admit that in your case it is because your DH earns more and travels for his job that has led your DC to ask you and not him. This is likely often the case. Men earn more and are more likely to travel in their jobs. So if there is a societal element at play, I think you’ve already hit the nail on the head.

And why do you as a woman as a human need to be considered "useful" to anyone? Why can't you just be you and be loved because of who you are not what people can get out of you?

I remember growing up my mum working three half days a week and my grandmother having us each of those mornings. There’s no way nowadays most families can afford for mum to work so little.

in fact even when we went to school she never upped her hours- she played golf on the other 2 days a week

So was mine. I loved my Granny. My Dad retired from the police when he was 48. Long story short, when I was unexpectedly pregnant and said I would need a childminder he OFFERED to look after my child as he thought the baby would be better with family. Then my husband got a promotion and his increased salary was half of mine which meant I could job share and we were over the moon. So my dad said he would watch the baby for 2.5 days, then my MIL asked if she could do the half day. She was 54. So we said yes.

My, convoluted, point is that they offered. We didn’t ask.

And they were both still young.

I think expecting people in their 60’s and 70’s to watch your children is too big an ask.

I've only read your OP but YANBU - why on earth should you provide childcare now your own children are grown? I've made it clear that whilst I am happy to have my grandchildren I won't be doing free childcare, that's a them problem.

I've done my time, I still work and have my life to live and they can fuck right off with expecting me to facilitate their jobs. Some free childcare is available, they should use that.

Nothing.

Please don't listen to the posters claiming that they have wonderful close relationships with their grandchildren because of the care they provided. My grandparents didn't provide childcare, although they did babysit occasionally and I had a very close relationship with my grandparents as an adult. I would see them at least once weekly, help with appointments, jobs around the house etc. the two things don't necessarily go hand in hand.