to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

Good on you. They had these kids so now need to work out how to manage childcare. Having 3 kids myself I know its not easy but its manageable with sacrifices made by the parents of hour changes, one reducing to part tim, nursery and afterschoolclubs. Grandparents should never be expected to give up there jobs or retirement to care day to day for grandkids.

Again let’s get angry at the patriarchal society that does not prioritise good afordable child care. And let’s start saying to Dads - what solution are you offering? Why only mention the DD and DIL???

I remember my daughter saying to me six months into her pregnancy that she was giving me first dibs on if I wanted to provide care for my dgd when she went back to work. I kind of explained that I work full time and my job is such that I can’t cut my hours anyway, and I would have to move teams if I did. It was just the assumption that once my dgd came along that I would reduce my working pattern to step up for child care. A few of my friends do child care for their grand children, having switched to part time, or early retirement. Dgd is now 18 months, and I have her from Friday eve to Sat eve once a month to give them a break, but it’s hard work after a full week working. And I’m only 56. But I guess there is some guilt that I didn’t offer up regular weekly child care. She’s absolutely adorable though, and despite it being pretty tiring, I love spending time with her.

That's awful, OP. My MIL agreed (very enthusiastically) to have our DC one day a week as I've gone back to work 3 days a week and couldn't choose my assigned days, which were different from the 3 days nursery had a place for. My DC is on the waiting list for this one day at nursery that MIL is currently covering, though I think she'd be really upset if she could no longer have some kind of weekly time alone with him.

I'm a teacher and I always check to see if she wants to have him or not on her usual day during the holidays, she always wants him but I offer to bring him later and pick up earlier so it's more enjoyable. Always provided his food and obv any necessary equipment at their house, except when she's wanted to give him certain food herself.

When we couldn't cover the day at his nursery originally, we put him down for one day at a different nursery, just assumed we'd have to sort it ourselves. It would have been horrendous tbh for his settling, security and spreading and catching illnesses so we're so grateful she agreed to step in, and it's not something we felt entitled to at all.

You said I am angry at my DC? How? You didn't explain.

How am I dismissing my DH as part of the solution? DC are asking me not DH. I have refused to give up my job or change my hours.

Why would I offer that DH gives up his job or changes it for DC? DH will not give up his job as we would not be able to pay the bills without his income.

DC are adults. They need to find their own solution not me.

The friends mentioned the DD/DIL.

I mentioned DD and DS equally.

Ok so say that to your DD and your DS. Not your DIL - talk to your son!

You seem to only want to respond to certain parts of people’s posts…

I definitely know of several women like this.
They are not providing full-time care for any grandchildren, but between their 3 or 4 children, there isn't a single days peace from being asked a favour to mind, collect, drop off a grandchild.

They have found they actually need to go on holidays, anywhere, just be away from home to catch a break.
Absolutely ridiculous, but it is a thing if you are "lucky" enough to have your children all living in the same city as you.
They book inexpensive breaks very very regularly and visit family more than ever, just to establish that they cannot be fully depended on 100% of the time.

These are former career women that are not walk overs, but it is a bit boiled frog thing from when the first grandchild arrived and all the excitement and joy.
It makes their friends just behind them stage wise, more than a little wary.

Well done OP, for holding your line on this.

It’s true that a grandparent completely unwilling to help with childcare, cannot expect help to make life easier when older.

We’ve all seen the threads- a middle aged mum, with a useless husband, a full time job and teens sitting exams…..asking if its unreasonable to opt out of weekly trips to the shops with parents, or taking time off to take them to another hospital appointment.

You can bet your bottom dollar, it would be mentioned that said grandparent refused to help with childcare.

That’s the reality. Making life a little easier goes both ways. If the grandparents refuse, then expect only ‘needs’ care their elder years….not the little things that make life easier and strengthen family bonds.

If anyone questions that…then that’s what the example they set. Someone who puts their needs first.

It’s very clear that many don’t consider the cost before having children. They just see it as their right to have them, regardless of cost. Just look at the recent debates on lifting the child benefit cap. Parents were literally frothing at the mouth that people were suggesting that maybe if you can’t afford more than 2, then you should stop after the second.

You are absolutely right, OP, the general entitlement is off the scale.

Some of the causal ageism on this thread is pretty salty. Of course nobody is owed childcare by family members. And those lucky enough to get that suppprt would do well to remember that their parents are not obliged to continue doing so indefinitely.

This.

You need to make it clear to them that you've no intention of giving up your job or going part time and you dont appreciate them pressuring you.

As someone who had been lucky enough to have quite a lot of family help (from my wondeful in-laws) I think the main issue is your son and daughter putting pressure on you @ReluctantGM

To clarify what does "putting pressure on you" actually look like? I can't imagine we'd have ever gone further with my in-laws if they'd said no to the initial request.

FWIW in my situation childcare was suggested by my MIL and has been regularly revisited ever since (plus kids are older now so it's just a few after school pick ups a week now and it was never FT even before kids were school age).

It's not a patriarchal issue for me though @ReluctantGM , its the fact your kids won't take no for an answer!!

As do you

So the relationship with your parent is purely transactional? What about the years they reared you? You sound delightful.

I have. Try reading my posts.

I said no to both of them.

No, it’s based on family examples and expectations.

I think fair enough if the dgp are already retired and in good health. Ask, but be prepared to be told 'no'.

But there is an extra level of entitlement entirely when adult dc expect their dps to go part-time (and reduce their own earnings) to facilitate childcare.

As hard as it is today for young parents, if the grand parents are not offering to do this unprompted, it is incredibly cheeky to ask.

She has! She mentions DD and DS in her post about the requests to her, not DD and DIL

the alternative is what has happened in my family. My mother went completely overboard as doting grandmother on my brothers child and her first grandchild, looking after them 2 days a week plus other days as needed. When my baby came along she was already maxed out- our relationship never recovered. Not because I expected the help, but because I can’t stand to see the inequality for both myself and my child.

Im not saying they should add days- but consider reallocating the help they are prepared to provide.

The women you talk about don’t need to do 4 days a week help, they just need to say to the first child that they agreed to help that when another needs help that commitments might need to change.

Because you've discovered feminism, remember?

I think though the fact that when you get elderly and might be dependent on care yourself, which will be withheld if you didn’t step up to care for Dgd when younger, is a silly argument. Obviously when you’re elderly, you don’t choose to need help. It’s something that unfortunately comes with age. Although many 80 year plus people can and do manage to remain independent. However, having children is a choice, so if you choose to have children without financially being able to care for them yourself, it’s just not the same comparison. Having children is a choice. Getting old and possibly infirm isn’t.

So your parents are only worth looking after when their time comes if they are useful to you now? What a miserable way to navigate your one precious life.

When did I discover it again?