to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

So you admit your husband's circumstances make it a logistical nightmare to babysit his grandkids but you still want to push the narrative that they aren't asking him because of the patriarchy? 🤔

If your children want you to babysit, they obviously trust you to do so. Have you ever asked them why they don't trust your husband? Did anything happen in their childhood that would mean they don't consider your husband to be a safe person to babysit their kids?

😂

YANBU at all, and I say this as someone who had both my Mum and in laws kindly doing childcare three days a week and now juggling the school run three days a week between them. I’m eternally grateful for the help they’ve given us, but never expected it. And I made sure that before each academic year they were happy to keep doing it - and would have made alternative arrangements if needed.

Firstly, very well done for being honest, knowing what you need and having boundaries.

I’m 42 and have three sons. I was very fortunate that both sets of parents willingly offered and were happy to have each of our sons for one day per week (they only ever had one at a time due to their age).

However, we would not have had children if we couldn’t manage without this offer. We never relied on it and we often had open conversations about what they could realistically cope with. For example, once they started school neither set of parents would have all three in the holidays when they were very young. My MiL is 10 years older than my Mum and was always very clear about what they could and couldn’t do and I was so respectful but grateful for her honesty.

I’m quite shocked that anyone would ask you to go part time to benefit them. I’m sure your children are lovely and I’m sure you love spending time with your grandchildren but people need to realise you’ve got a chance to live your own life, it does feel expectant and pretty selfish (I hope that’s not too harsh to say).

The amount of tired grandparents I see, it’s a joke.

keep being honest, keep being open and I’m sure babysitting for nights out will be just as welcome over that weekly commitment.

Exactly. A completely transactional view of relationships. E.g. you're only worth whatever I can get out of you.

But no one is saying you should step in or you have to step in. Most people are saying you don’t have to help or give up work.

People are just pointing out that relationships work on both sides terms, not one sides though, and that in many situations the grandparents who spend more hours with their families end up with closer relationship. It sounds like you are happy with your position, and no one here is telling you to give up work- so I don’t see the issue?

This thread is where I can anonymously admit that I’m glad my children and grandchildren live too far away for me to be of much use. I’m disabled and don’t drive, so I’m also not expected to help out with elderly parents as I’m in a worse state than they are!

DC didn't say they do not trust their faither to babysit their kids. They don't ask him because he travels for work and they need regular reliable childcare.

Well that puts a bit of a different spin on things.

Although you work full time so also can't provide regular, reliable childcare!

I'm with you, OP.
My DC are nowhere near having their own DC, but they are already well aware that I am happy to do the odd bit of babysitting, but will not be offering any regular childcare.
I had a lovely relationship with all my grandparents, and they hardly ever babysat me and my siblings. So, I don't believe that a good relationship with GPs can only be forged with regular childcare.

"My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work"

Why on earth should you do that? - unless it is your choice. If this was as it comes over it's incredibly selfish and entitled of them.
You have every right to lead your own life. And I haven't seen that they offered to compensate you for the lost income. Do what works for you.

That poster sounds like she doesn’t know any relationship that isn’t transactional. Best ignored.

I wonder @ReluctantGM if there are a lot of parents on this thread who are maybe realising they take their parents or in laws for granted!
Because there are some weird antagonistic replies!

It’s a long thread so sorry if I’ve missed it but have you pointed out the sexism to your DC?

OP you can rage about it being sexist and that’s fair enough but it’s a real shame that you see any form of childcare as a total drain and annoyance rather than spending even a small amount of regular time with your grandchildren and building bonds. You can do whatever you want, as can your husband, but drawing such hard lines will likely have consequences that you may not like so much in a few years time.

I know grandparents who do one regular day a week, half a day a week or just help out with holidays. That’s quite different do doing multiple days a week or taking them for days on end. Anyway, you do you!!

As a 62 year old grandma to two wonderful grandchildren, I can hand on heart say that I simply don’t have the energy to look after them on a daily basis. I love the bones of them, babysit regularly, take them on little overnight trips etc, but I couldn’t do this everyday.

Also…I’m a full time deputy head teacher in a large primary school…so it’s not like I’m not used to children!! Teaching is exhausting, but not on the same level as looking after toddlers full time!

You are not wrong OP…stand your ground and just say no.

I can’t believe you are having to explain this to people.

Although, it is always the “I’ll not be providing any childcare for my grandchildren, I’ve done my time” mob, who struggle with this the most.

I also think this goes beyond reciprocity - realising that your parents don’t really care much for your children inevitably causes harm to your relationship with them.

Oh come on! It beggars belief to deny that society still has different expectations of women and men around childcare or that women are often still expected to do far more domestic labour than men.

I have a very weird feeling about this post!
@ReluctantGM Says her kids only ask her for childcare, not her husband - insinuates sexism.
She has not asked her children why they don't ask their dad to babysit.
She assumes they don't ask their dad as they need reliable childcare and he works.
But she also works so that doesn't add up.
I think you really need to talk to your children and find out why they are only asking you, not their father.
I fear they have things to say about your husband that you don't wish to hear and that is why you'd rather assume it is sexism than actually communicate with them

I do two days a week in the holidays and that’s enough for me . The other Granny does the other two days . But I would step in if the other Granny fell sick / popped her clogs .

They seem to have cheeky expectations and cheeky requests.

I think you are just being deliberately nasty.

that's what you want. The point I am trying to make is that if current grandparents have relied heavily on their own parents / in laws to help with childcare when their kids were little, then they shouldn't be up in arms when their kids (who spent every weekend with their grandparents) ask for help with childcare
Lifestyles have changed so much in a generation though.
People are often working longer and harder than before
Grandparents are often older than previous generations as well.

I think for many( not all) grandparents want to have quality time with their grandchildren but are reluctant to commit to how much their children want/ expect from them.

Not sure why some adult children think they have a right to pressure their own parents into caring for their children? You certainly dont have to do it though. You work and are only able to help out when you're free. If your being available isn't a regular occurrence, so be it. They just have to accept that they don't have the luxury of childcare from grandparents. C'est la vie & all that.

Next time they ask, point them in the direction of your DH to see if he can offer any help.

We all help where we can in life, but not to the detriment of our own lives.

Not at all. OP has bought this to a public forums looking for opinions and my opinion is that something isn't adding up. Why does she assume her children don't ask their dad to babysit because he works when she also works and they ask her? It just seems from her original OP and her replies that shes actively avoiding asking her kids why they dont want their dad to babysit and coming to her own assumptions that its sexism at play

She raised them. Was that not helping them?