to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

Our MIL specifically refuses to do any childcare - in terms of occssional babysitting and date nights it’s always no and there’s never been an expectation for regular childcare- , and has done since DS1 was a baby. Which is fine!

however what does feel a bit unfair is she does regular childcare for BIL every single weekend - even though he only has his children on the weekends. And takes them on holidays, days out, has them for days on end during the school holidays etc. this offer has never ever been extended to my children.

Thankfully, the poll on this thread is 91% YANBU in favour of the OP.

So I don't like my grandkids because I won't give up my job or change my hours to care for them?

Fortunately my granny was fun.

I can’t comment on your personal situation but I think it’s complicated and expectations can be built around what you’ve seen in practice.

Both my maternal grandparents retired at 50 and cared for me and my siblings so that both of my parents could work full time. They took me to and from nursery and picked me up from school, cooked evening meals, etc. It is some of my fondest memories to be privileged enough to have my grandparents play such a formative role in my early life.

My mum is always harassing me about providing her with grandchildren and how all her friends have grandkids but has also made it abundantly clear she has no interest in having the same level of commitment and involvement in my children’s upbringing. As she tells me: “she’s done her time” which is fair enough but as it stands, I simply can’t afford to have kids in the current economy without some additional support but yet she can’t seem to understand this viewpoint. I don’t think it’s always as simply as seeing the latest generation as entitled.

How come she didn’t want you to be a mother?

Women with jobs are mothers. What is wrong with you? * *

I do think generational childcare should be repaid 🤷‍♀️ I think it's quite entitled to accept help from your own parents / in laws but be put out when your children ask the same of their parents
In that case I'll do two weekends of baby sitting from birth to 18 which is all my parents did!
Mil and Fil were long dead by the time our kids came along so they were out of the picture.

Unfortunately my dad is no longer with us so can't speak on that front, but in terms of my mum and brother it's always been a situation of we will put the feelers out. If you can do it, we are eternally grateful, but if you can't, no problem, we as the parents will figure it out.

😱

God this is so true. You’ve expressed that brilliantly.

YANBU to feel the way you do and your children should be taking no for an answer rather than keep on at you.

But not everyone behaves this way. I’m lucky that my in-laws do loads of childcare for us because they want to. And believe me, I have never taken it for granted and we had many conversations before the birth of their first biological grandchild about everything because we wanted to be sure they were ok, didn’t feel any pressure and that we were on the same page about stuff.

Someone I know basically told her parents that they were going to be providing childcare mon-fri 8-6 year round. They looked after 3 children with about 18 months between each one until the last one I couldn’t begin to imagine behaving that way towards anyone.

YANBU OP both of them should have had better plans when having children then to try to pressure you into childcare.

FWIW out of a group of 10 friends only 1 has ever had regular GP childcare and honestly by the sounds of it (last minute cancelling just because etc) wasn't worth all the hassle it caused.

My DM offers to do some school holidays which we are greatful for now she's retiring but it's never an expectation. DF died a few years ago but before that would be the one of the floor playing and looking after DS1 when we visited. FIL has also passed.

Stand firm and simply state there are paid childcare options. Occasional night out/weekend babysitting etc is different.

I'll do two weekends of baby sitting from birth to 18 which is all my parents did!

If that's what you want. The point I am trying to make is that if current grandparents have relied heavily on their own parents / in laws to help with childcare when their kids were little, then they shouldn't be up in arms when their kids (who spent every weekend with their grandparents) ask for help with childcare.

My mother didn’t want to help with my kids.

How often do women point out their father didn't want to help with the kids?

Depending on what is meant by help in older age it maybe isn't an equivalent to providing regular free/cheap childcare.

Well it probably won't be available anyway as the offspring will be too busy working full time...

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to resentful of the way patriarchy leads to women being expected to do more caring than men/being seen as a the default carer.

I think parents of young children today are struggling. It seems like your children would really value some help. Is there something that you & your partner could do that would be helpful but you wouldn’t resent? If you haven’t already, it could be worth explaining that you really can’t commit to providing childcare partly because you find it too overwhelming (loud, exhausting etc) but you do want to help in another way.

This seems unfair - emotional blackmail even. I don't agree with the stance of you either help out or you don't see your grandkids. My parents live an hour away and don't do any babysitting nor would I expect them too. They are getting on a bit now anyways and neither now drive but they did a lot for my brother who had his first two many years ago. We visit them regularly so they can see their grandkids. It's lovely for my children to see them and they can all enjoy a relationship that involves no obligations plus I want to see my parents too.

Children learn from their own families first and foremost. If you and your husband decided that you would do the vast majority of child rearing when the kids are little then can you really be suprised that your children don't trust their father to babysit their kids?

If your children want you to babysit, they obviously trust you to do so. Have you ever asked them why they don't trust your husband? Did anything happen in their childhood that would mean they don't consider your husband to be a safe person to babysit their kids?

It’s about basic fairness and not automatically defaulting to one person.

Saying I should step in because the system is unfair to younger women doesn’t actually fix anything, it just shifts the burden from one woman to another. I’ve already done decades of childcare and caring.

If the situation is unfair, then the answer isn’t “grandmother picks it up”.

On the “playing your part” point, I am. I work, I contribute, I’ve raised my children and I’m still supporting my family in different ways. That doesn’t mean I have to take on regular childcare as well.

Calling it a carbon footprint issue is a bit much. Older women aren’t only useful if they’re providing childcare.

What an awful way to view your relationships with your parents and your husbands parents. This place is full of people who view family relationships as transactional

Must be the way they were brought up…

Where did you get this idea from?

DC didn't say they do not trust their faither to babysit their kids. They don't ask him because he travels for work and they need regular reliable childcare.

I would be so ashamed of myself if I had this attitude to my mother.

I love and respect my mum. Not because she gives me childcare. But because she raised ME.

I don't need her to do a second lot of caring before she's entitled to my help. She is entitled to my help right now, for the asking. Because she got up with me in the night when I was little, and sat with me when I was sick, and drove me to school when it was cold out, and a thousand and one other little things.

She doesn't need to buy my love and care by doing unpaid work for the kids I chose to have.

Neither does MIL.

And my children have a great relationship with both. DS texts my mum spontaneously most nights to tell her about his day. The kids make pictures and cards for them. They write their birthdays on the calendar. They care about my mum and MIL. Because we are raising them to value women as actual people who are interesting and matter, not service humans.

The grandparents are not expected to travel. I travel down there drop the kids off and spend time with them. Then I travel again and pick the kids up a couple of days later.
I do this because the help with the children makes my very busy life easier. If there was no offer of help I absolutely would not shlep a 4 hour round trip to see my mum, much as I love her, it’s just not happening. Maybe once a year at Xmas absolute max. I simply do not have the time or inclination to do that.
Fine for people who want to, but I’m exhausted, I work 5 days and not from home. I need my weekends to prevent burn out. If that makes me a bad person so be it.

Awful 😞