to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

That posters post was particularly privileged and really not nice.

I have seen this go the opposite way when the grandparent is to old or physically unable to do much with the child and the child hasn't enjoyed going but is still made to. Alternatively when the grandparent has been pushed into childcare they will unlikely have a lot of enthusiasm for it.

That’s pretty entitled of your kids to assume anyone would change their work pattern to look after their kids. Perhaps slightly different if you were already retired (but still no expectation you should do it). Maybe ask once but repeated times is just rude. My mum (my Dad is dead) always made it clear she didn’t want to provide regular childcare but would do babysitting and emergencies if needed. In reality she babysits a handful of times a year for an evening, or occasionally takes my eldest to one of his clubs. We see her mainly together as a family. I would never dream of pressuring her to do more childcare.

They don't need to do anything but support should be reciprocal. You can't on one hand say 'F U I'm not disrupting my very comfortable life to support my flesh and blood at the most vulnerable points of their life but I took it gladly when I needed childcare for my own offspring (that I chose to have) and I expect it when I become too old and feeble to wipe my own backside' That's the literal definition of hypocritical.

Really? Currently 91% of the poll says YANBU so that indicates a societal problem not just my adult child problem.
In your case it's your kids putting pressure on you. You have agency to make your own decisions.

Most of my friends have grandchildren. Nearly every adult child has asked for regular child care. Everyone has said no but that they will help when they can.
"Society" may say a lot of things but it's up to you to stand up for yourself. If you dont, dont whinge about it later.

I must admit I do a little eye roll when I see my aunt in law refuse to help with childcare of her grandchild when I know my DH spent most weekends with his cousins at their grandparents house.

Because women have to pay back any childcare help they are given while the men are free from this?

Yes because only women should help their progeny not men.

Perhaps you're just trying to make a point about how stretched working parents can be, which I get. But have you thought about the implications of what you're saying? You are suggesting that if a GP were not prepared to make a 2 hr journey and look after GCs when they got there, there would be something wrong with their relationship with the GCs. However, if you are not prepared to do a 2 hr drive just to see you mum, you see this as reasonable and not a sign there is anything lacking in your relationship. It's as if your stress levels and need for help trump everything, even though you're grateful.

Why does a GP's relationship with GCs always have to be based on 'help' when most have already done so much for their DCs? And why is 'help' always equated with childcare? What's wrong with just meeting up, but expecting fit, active GPs to do more of the travelling? Yes of course many of us carry on wanting to support our DCs in lots of ways. But are you really suggesting that childcare is obligatory if GPs want to see their GCs?

I won't be doing any. I will babysit, take the child for the weekend occasionally,. do the odd school pickup if needed, do treat days, sleepovers etc. Full or even part time childcare, absolutely not.

It’s your life, do what you want but don’t expect help in a decade or two when you need it. It goes both ways

So because I won't give up my job (which I need to pay my bills), I shouldn't expect any help? I will book in with dignitas early then.

Your point about grandads: You've had to put up with the patriarchy your entire life, but you choose now to enforce your feminist views, when a woman in your family seeks help, because thanks to the patriarchy, she's lumbered with childcare responsibility, as well as full time work.

Your point about the science: If we don't serve our community/family by work or childcare, when we can still do so and have been granted extra years to do it, then that's a slap in the face of mother nature and extra decades of useless carbon footprint. I don't care if the men are lazy, useless and dominant. I can only address that within my own orbit. It's not going to stop me continuing to play my part.

The more you post, the more it seems your issue isn’t about being asked, it’s about the blatant sexism.

Do you resent your husband and his career? You had to have all the sacrifices, so he earns more etc meaning the obvious choice is to ask you to help. But if you hadn’t made those sacrifices in the first place, your earning potential wouldn’t have been capped…

I agree. A playgroup I go to is full of elderly women judging one or two small children. It looks completely knackering for them. Also shit for the kids as grandma hasn’t got the energy or ability to play with them properly. I think it is nice if a grandparent can offer a bit of babysitting every now and again but I wouldn’t expect childcare.

I find your phrasing “just so GC will care about me” a bit troubling tbh. Surely wanting your GC to care about you, love you and want to spend time with you is precious and valuable. To say “just” and devalue this bond like this seems very cavalier

Your children sound very rude and entitled. I bet they haven't even offered to pay you for your time or make up the shortfall in your pension provision if you reduce your hours. Have you considered telling them 'I am tired of this subject and the next person who mentions it can forget about any inheritance'?

I think it’s more if you don’t help others you can’t expect help back from them.

Exactly. Especially when that help that op might need in x no of years may require her children to give up work or go part time. The way she’s coming across though she won’t see the issue with this.

I think the issue in this case is more about the OP’s relationships.

This. It’s a shocking trend.

The OP is reasonable to expect help when she needs it in old age because she brought her DCs up. That's sufficient for a person to reasonably expect help. It's like an unwritten contract.

My uncle is law is dead, and has been for a long time, so we consider him off the hook for childcare 🙄

I do think generational childcare should be repaid 🤷‍♀️ I think it's quite entitled to accept help from your own parents / in laws but be put out when your children ask the same of their parents

OP I totally get your perspective. I am in the young kids phase of my life and now and I already know if I’m in the grandparent position I won’t commit to a weekday in perpetuity of childcare

I’ll do the same as what I’m receiving, which is be very loving and hands-on with babysitting when it works for both parties adhoc.

To add, in my case, they’re all amazing but it is my Dad (in his mid sixties) who does the most and often has both my very little ones on his own. He does have a partner but doesn’t offload it onto her at all. My Mum is great too but won’t have them both on her own (I understand that). So there are men in that generation fully mucking in

I certainly had no expectations.
My mum was far more active than I was.

My DM didn’t care for us (we were taken into care due to her chronic illness). Similarly she didn’t care for my DCs for obvious reasons. I have always cared for her.

I’d never dream of being spiteful enough to say “Well you never did anything for me, so why should I help you?”

Another fact that’s being overlooked is that many of us are also caring for our own elderly mothers, which although gruelling is in most cases easier than caring for toddlers.

Yes for the eldest two GC. Six more have followed over the years so I'm in my 70s still doing regular weekly childcare with 2 year old, have the preteens for weekends when parents need/want a break. The big ones still come round but they can look after themselves, they just raid the fridge.

Yanbu to resent them putting pressure on you and they are absolutely unreasonable to do so.

However to answer your question regarding why more is asked of Grandmothers than Grandfathers I imagine it's because for many people their fathers were not involved enough in their care for them (or good enough when they were involved) to feel (as or at all) comfortable trusting them with the care of their children.

Asking you is actually a compliment, it is only when it becomes expectation and pressure that it is a negative.