Aibu to think this is wildly inappropriate to say to a widow?

[Otterloverfrenchielady]

Df1 very recently lost her Dh unexpectedly

Df2 has not made any effort to be there (they aren’t particularly close) but then tells me that she told her the following.

I had a dream about your dh, he was in a pub and I asked if he was alright and he said he missed us all.

aibu to think this is wildly inappropriate. Why would her dead husband be visiting random friend if you believe in that stuff rather than his wife. if you don’t believe in it what on earth do you hope to gain from it?

nb Df2 doesn’t believe they have some sort of sixth sense, or sight. Generally they have a way of making any situation about themselves.

Agree, its a very odd and insensitive thing to say.

Some people really struggle with other people’s bereavement though. She probably was, in a very cack-handed way, trying to be nice.

Was DF1 upset by it?

Oh I dunno.

My friend died fairly recently and her DH has come round for tea with me a few times.

Last week he told me that his dead wife had appeared to some random acquaintance, and that his wife had also been to his house and moved things about.

I mean WTF. So I stared at him in bewilderment and shook my head.

What was I supposed to do? Agree that ghosts exist? He was insistent, so eventually I just said, " don't be silly."

Unsure as I wasn’t there. I can’t imagine they would take comfort in it, personality wise they are pragmatic and not overly sentimental.

Same as me.

It’s a bit odd.

But as someone who doesn’t in any way believe in visitations, second sight etc, it wouldn’t occur to me that someone would think a dream about a person implied they were “visiting” me. I would see it as a “it popped up in my dreams, it was nice to ‘see’ the person and be thinking of them”. It’s equivalent in my mind to a “I was thinking of your DH the other day, we all miss him”.

But it’s less appropriate to say that sort of thing if you’ve not been close or friendly to the bereaved person.

Believe in what stuff?

She said she had a dream not an apparition.

A dream she should 100% have kept to herself.

I mean I get that is odd, but that is coming from the person grieving, not having someone else’s dream / ‘experience’ thrust upon them.

I probably would have done a few verbal nods and been non committal.

Exactly. The friend just had a random dream in which her friend’s dead husband featured. No ‘visiting’, haunting, or apparitions. Yes, it was tactless of her to tell her widowed friend about it, but I don’t think she was claiming to have had a message from beyond the grave.

This is a fair point. I hadn’t considered it from that perspective.
I found it very odd and probably would have been quite upset. I can’t imagine see how it could be a clumsy way of trying to say they were thinking of him

So you are offended on the widows behalf? I think it’s probably a bit inappropriate, but you don’t have all the details so we don’t no how the widow took it. It might have done no harm, and a clumsy comment may be better than avoiding the widow as they don’t know what to say. You’ve said the clumsy friend doesn’t think they’ve got a sixth sense, so maybe they were just sharing their dream without thinking it through properly

Did she say it was a dream on an apparition OP?

Your opening post seems to be confusing the two.

@Otterloverfrenchielady your df2 had a dream, that’s all. The fact that df1s DH was in it, showed df2 was thinking about him at some point, usually that day. It’s kinda nice really.

Not sure she should have told df1 that he said he misses everyone, that implies he’s not entirely happy and we’d all like to think our love ones are in a happier place once deceased.

Who told you?

Df1 or df2?

I'd see that differently tbh. I think I'd take comfort from the fact that people were thinking about him. Friend 2 didn't say he 'came to her' she said she'd dreamed about him.
I can see why it might be best to avoid sharing that unless you know the person well enough to know they'd take it well. However I also think that there seems to be a bit of a thing about getting angry with people who don't act perfectly in the face of other people's bereavements.
Its death that's the problem, and people saying the odd less than ideal thing is small potatoes in the scheme of things. Seems like sometimes people look to blame soneone for something to distract from that.

I might not have been clear

I don’t think it was an apparition / ghost etc. nor do I think the person saying it believed that.
I guess I was trying to play devils advocate with the situation. The only viable explanations was in my mind:

1. they genuinely believe that he visited them and therefore was trying to share out of comfort- which I find wildly inappropriate as why would her dead dh visit a random acquaintance for an other worldly / celestial pint and not his bereaved wife

2)they were thoughtless and tried to find a way to make the sad situation about them- well I had this dream… look and listen and comfort me

neither are great

I think my point was that he was happy to discover that his dead wife had appeared to someone.

Even though it's clearly impossible, he found it comforting.

Your friend maybe didn't, though.
I can well imagine my friend's DH being delighted to hear about dreams in which his wife said things.

Both ignoring the obvious option - dF2 had a dream about the man and shared it with his widow. The man is in her thoughts.

df2 - in a show offy type way. ‘I wanted to tell df1 before I told anyone else’ like it was some big announcement

You’re twisting the situation.

I see what you are saying.
It’s a risky punt to share, especially if you don’t know how they will take it. It could bring comfort, it could cause upset. If it was me I probably would have lost it.

You don’t like df2 and want to find fault where’s there’s no fault to be found.

My SIL strongly believes that my DB is visiting us in all sorts of weird ways - songs coming on the radio, a rain shower, something going missing in the house. It obviously helps her cope but I find it fairly annoying. People deal with death in all sorts of funny ways.

Widow of 10 months here
i wouldnt be bothered in the slightest if someone had said this to me.

But you're projecting.

You'd have found it wildly inappropriate.

Maybe the widow didn't.