Aibu to think this is wildly inappropriate to say to a widow?

[Otterloverfrenchielady]

Df1 very recently lost her Dh unexpectedly

Df2 has not made any effort to be there (they aren’t particularly close) but then tells me that she told her the following.

I had a dream about your dh, he was in a pub and I asked if he was alright and he said he missed us all.

aibu to think this is wildly inappropriate. Why would her dead husband be visiting random friend if you believe in that stuff rather than his wife. if you don’t believe in it what on earth do you hope to gain from it?

nb Df2 doesn’t believe they have some sort of sixth sense, or sight. Generally they have a way of making any situation about themselves.

I think perhaps because dreams do have an association with spiritual things across many cultures and the subconscious, whether we believe rationally in them or not. The idea of our loved one appearing in someone else's dream is more intimate in a way than simply consciously thinking of someone because of a real world prompt. Rational or not, the response to someone turning up in someone else's dream is sometimes almost like jealousy. Obviously we can't control what we dream about - I'm still 😳 when I recall an erotic dream I had about John Inman as a teenager.

In the context of bereavement, when one is desperate to still have a connection to the departed, getting it this way is really conflicting. I think one really has to know a person and their likely thought processes and beliefs, and tread carefully around sharing these kind of things.

Some people around me behaved almost as if they were jealous of my "widow" status and the very much unwanted "attention" , some liked to exert an element of control, some seem to assume that my most appropriate response should be to throw myself into the grave afterwards, yet others went the opposite route and saw it as an opportunity to "do great things" . Timing, wording and delivery are everything, and it's a minefield, I appreciate.

The bit I don’t like is the says he misses “us all”.

Like she is on a par with his wife.

I have a friend like this. Makes everything about her and inserts herself into other people’s relationships like she’s equal.

You sound like a lovely and supportive friend

I don't think it's either weird or terrible - Friend 2 may not have been 'there for her', but then also is not that close to the widowed women according to OP.

Friend was just showing she was thinking about her late husband and his passing, I suppose. So she thought this dream, which was basically a positive one, might be nice to share.

One of the main complaints of the bereaved is that people avoid them and don't want to talk to them.

Picking over well meant comments and getting upset about it where no upset was intended is only going to discourage people from trying to comfort their friends. Not everyone is socially skilled, but if they are meeting with and talking to the bereaved they are trying to be supportive.

I was widowed young a few years ago. I had quite a few of DH’s friends and family tell me about dreams they had had about him, some seeing something woo in it and others not. I didn’t think anything inappropriate about it.

The worse ones were people who tried to provoke me into crying so they could comfort me. I don’t like crying in front of people. Some well-meaning people clearly felt really sorry for me and wanted to express that and show their support but being well-guarded in my emotions made it hard. Luckily it wasn’t too many who did this but I didnt appreciate it. Give me tales of peoples dreams and ghostly visits any day!

Im also a widow and have had people saying similar things about being visited in their dreams. It really didn't bother me at all. I'm aware people take things in different ways. But personally this kind of thing has never bothered me. I'd rather he was remembered and spoken about than forgotten.

Exactly what I was thinking. And if I dreamed about my friends husband who died, I would probably share it with her. It's good to talk about people who have died and we do bring him into our conversations a lot.

I think it's clunky rather than 'wildly' inappropriate. Some people don't really know what to say to bereaved people.

How does Df1 feel about it? That's what's important. Yes I'd find it a bit odd, but a tad overreaction to think of it as "wildly inappropriate", she had a dream about Df1's husband who has passed away and told her friend about it probably with the intention of "I had this dream, it was nice to see him and he says he misses us all, I hope that brings you some comfort"

Someone told me after I lost my mum, I was 21 years old and they said they had an amazingly vivid dream that my mum was at the beach and she was healthy, and happy and laughing etc and she was back looking how she did before she got so ill. Honestly I've never had a nice dream about her or anything that gave me any comfort following her death but hearing that from someone who has never been 'woo' was very comforting to me. I'm not sure if the person maybe said it to try and bring some comfort?? Not sure, but people can be very awkward about death in general and not know what to say, and people can get offended over different things

You’re not being unreasonable. It’s just horrible. I really don’t believe in any of that kind of thing. So when my sister said something similar to me after my son died, it was somewhat galling, but she is schizophrenic so at least had an excuse!

Yeah I'd have told her to Do one

I think you don't like the friend who said it and you may have your reasons, but in itself it's not a terrible thing to say.

I'm a widow, I wouldn't see it as he'd "appeared" to her in a dream, only that he's in people's thoughts. It's nice when people mention him, for whatever reason.

YANBU. The df2 is attention seeking.

You’re being unreasonable to count someone you clearly dislike, as your “friend”. If she makes a habit of saying things that you feel are “wildly inappropriate” why do you spend time with her? If this is a one off, why are you assuming that she has bad intentions? The example of her “wildly inappropriate” comment, isn’t in and of itself “wildly inappropriate”. As other have said, most would be happy to know that their friends are thinking about their own loved ones. And many people struggle to know what to say to someone who has been recently bereaved. If my friend said something I personally thought was a bit tactless, I would assume that they had good intentions, rather than jumping to your conclusion, that they were trying to make it all about themselves.

My friend did this when my Mum died, she kept telling me she had dreamt about her. I ignored those parts of her messages. Then after 6 months, with irritation she told me I needed to move on from my Mum’s death 🙄

When someone dies the grief that lingers is an incredibly sensitive time and SO many times people clod - hop over people’s feelings all the while asserting themselves as helping the grieving person by imparting something onto them, be it knowledge, some sh!tty cliche that actually helps no one etc. I am utterly floored by many.

This comment is probably a bit insensitive, I think years need to pass and even then you have to be incredibly sensitive as an ongoing concern. Let them lead the way I say, and should they say “I wish he appeared in someone’s dream” you could offer something, other than that careful as friends are easily lost in this time.

often a simple “I am so sorry”, and let them talk even if it takes them a long time to muster up the courage to talk. Let the silence matter.

Why are you talking about sixth senses and visitations and 'believing in that stuff'?

Your friend didn't say she literally saw him in the flesh. She said she saw him in a dream. I've seen deceased friends and relatives in dreams. Doesn't mean I thought they were literally there with me.

You're conflating two entirely different types of experiences to try and undermine your friend.

That has no bearing on whether or not she should have relayed this to the bereaved mate. I probably wouldn't have although it depends on the context of the conversation.

My fiance died suddenly 18 months ago. Some of the comments I've had are next level insensitive at best and actually quite cruel at the worst. What the OP describes would have barely registered with me in the grand scheme of things, however everyone is different 🤷

My fiance died suddenly 18 months ago and I believe he's with me always and we will be together again soon. I'm not religious at all, but I have spiritual beliefs. If someone stared at me in bewilderment, shook their head and told me not to be silly I'd lose my shit. Who the fuck are you to judge how someone grieves? Not every thought has to be verbalised.

She didn't say he visited her in some supernstural way? She said she had a dream 😂 anyone can have dreams about anything. I think you're overreacting.

Why are you giving it any thought at all? I'm not sure why you feel you have any skin in this game, as 1) it didn't involve you 2) you weren't there and 3) it appears your friend hasn't sought your opinion of it, as you dont know how shes taken it.

So yeah, its a soft "YABU" because you're caring too much about other people's conversations.

I think the thread is evidence enough that this particular statement could've been received in a variety of ways. There's always a risk you'll offend someone and if offense is waiting around every corner, particularly if someone is having a hard time, surely it's safer to say nothing at all. And then you have people who are suffering through hard times, faced with a wall of silence and refusal to talk about the one thing that's upsetting them. It's all well and good being a listening ear but actually it can be pretty hard to get stuff out if the person sat opposite you is giving nothing at all (because I bet you could take offense at literally anything someone said following a death if you really wanted to).

Op says that she can't imagine how this could've had a positive impact. Beyond the people on here mentioning the fact it light just be nice to know others are thinking about your loved one too (incidentally, I can't ever imagine feeling jealous or sad about a friend dreaming about my dead relative), I wonder if the majority of conversation directly makes a positive contribution to the life of the person you're conversing with. Presumably we do it though because talking to people does indirectly have a positive impact on life - the sense of connection. It's lonely without it.

Attention seeking nonsense. Don’t allow this grief thief to try and muscle in on the attention and support that’s surrounding your friend. Ignore and carry on.