Aibu to think this is wildly inappropriate to say to a widow?

[Otterloverfrenchielady]

Df1 very recently lost her Dh unexpectedly

Df2 has not made any effort to be there (they aren’t particularly close) but then tells me that she told her the following.

I had a dream about your dh, he was in a pub and I asked if he was alright and he said he missed us all.

aibu to think this is wildly inappropriate. Why would her dead husband be visiting random friend if you believe in that stuff rather than his wife. if you don’t believe in it what on earth do you hope to gain from it?

nb Df2 doesn’t believe they have some sort of sixth sense, or sight. Generally they have a way of making any situation about themselves.

No because you still see her as being wrong as YOU consider it tactless. Even though others have said that they don't see it that way. Even a widowed poster further up has said that they don't see anything wrong with what she said. It doesn't matter what you think, it's how the person it was said to receives it that matters

4 years in the shitty club, and depending on the day do find this kind of thing clumsy but irksome at best, throat punch worthy at worst.

Because of the circles I moved in, I have a higher proprtion of "woo" friends that some might consider healthy, also a cadre who have almost assumed equal "ownership" of my dear departed. In the early days it was really weird to have people describing dreams or visitations from them when I was screaming into the void and wondering why the heck I wasn't getting comfort from beyond the grave. I have had a few dreams of my own since, and again, depending on context and the day, I feel a mixed bag if emotions.

Unfortunately the category "meant well" comes into play alot, because I genuinely feel most people do, but some lack nuance and timing skills.

Grief and bereavement are complex to navigate for all concerned. Some personality tyes just don't stop to think beyond their own frame of experience and to a shocked and grieving person it illicits all kinds of compounding negative emotions.

So I don't have a concrete answer to give, because I don't think there is one. But I would appreciate having protective and thoughtful friends like you OP, who can see that some things are crass even if well meant.

I had a 'friend' years ago that called me in floods of tears saying she saw a white butterfly and she was convinced it was my recently passed Mum, borderline hysterical.

They'd only met 3 or 4 times.Odd.

I would feel pretty moved if someone shared a dream they’d had about a loved lost one of mine. I enjoy hearing about dreams and what they might mean to the dreamer.
I had some very poignant ones after the death of my brother.

It was a dream. She didn't say she saw a ghost?! If she genuinely did have dream about him maybe she just blurted it out without thinking. Or actually thought the bereaved friend might think it quite sweet or comforting?

I can certainly see some people finding it inappropriate and I don't think it's something I'd say.

But it is very difficult for some people to know what to say and how to act around someone recently bereaved.

She may have not experienced a very close person's death before. I certainly don't think she meant it to be hurtful.

You seem to be getting offended on behalf of someone else. The widow may have been offended or maybe not. Its not your business to judge

A dream is exactly that it’s a product of your own mind. what is this ridiculous talk of visitation whatever that means. If we dream about a person it means we’re thinking about them and that’s all.

I lost my DH suddenly. It wouldn’t offend me but I would think it’s odd and if I’d had the dream I’d probably keep it to myself. Certainly people said a lot more inappropriate things than that!

Why did you feel the need to knock that comfort out of him, then?

thank you, I am sorry for your loss
I am, perhaps being a little over protective of my friend. My heart is breaking for her.
I appreciate you sharing your experience and a balanced perspective.

Sounds like a way of acknowledging her loss, that her DH was a nice man and is missed. Nice, I think?

Yes, this seems to be at the root of this — the OP appears to think the friend is claiming to have been visited by the dead man, rather than that he randomly popped up in a pub in one of her dreams, the rest of which may have featured a house she lived in aged ten and a talking horse. Just random stuff your mind throws up when you’re sleeping.

Because to me a dream is the same as ‘thinking of him’. Just via thoughts working their way through my subconscious. Normal thinking and processing, nothing woo at all.

I wouldn’t have said that. I mean, I don’t believe in ghosts, but if he is getting comfort from those things why not just let him. What harm would that do you?

Not at all
My point is even if she did believe this, which I don’t think she did, either way it is tactless and inappropriate to share.

I can only imagine, I am sorry for you loss

Or they actually had a dream (something which is out of your control, entirely random, often odd and not part of a belief system or at all equivalent to a ‘visitation’) and told the friend in question about it. Wouldnt have bothered me in the slightest but only the people who know her can have any idea of how it might be received by the widow and how she felt about it is the only thing that matters.

I find your take really odd OP. It just sounds like you don’t like the dreaming friend much and interpret everything she does badly.

After I lost someone, I was really touched to hear that other people had been thinking of them.

YABU, this kind of policing about what people should be allowed to say to grieving people is exactly why so many people are too scared to say anything at all.

Df2 simply said she was thinking about her in a way you wouldn't have, nothing to do with you at all. If Df1 is upset enough to tell you, then you reassure her it was clunky but well meaning, that's as far as you are involved.

My father died last year. My DM (well, all of us really) is struggling quite a lot with the loss just now. She told me recently that she’s having a lot of very vivid dreams, but never of my DF, which really upsets her. Having someone who loves to be the centre of attention tell her this I imagine would be heartbreaking. YANBU.

Not the most bonkers thing I have heard
These are all things that I have heard said to people whose spouses have died- these were all said in the first two weeks.

1. You know when they are cremated the ashes you get back are probably not theirs
2. Now your husbands died does it change your view on euthanasia
3. It was worse for me to lose (insert friend/bil/sil etc here)- because they were so special (when talking to the widow)
4. You know now he's dead does that change your outlook on life

So actually that's pretty tame.....

Why is it any more tactless or inappropriate to say than ‘I passed the cricket pitch yesterday and thought of John’? It’s pretty much the same thing. ‘Your husband came into my head.’

I don't think your friend did anything wrong really. I lost my Mum about 7 years ago. I've always liked it when someone tells me that they've been thinking about her, or that they had a dream about her, even when it's someone who wasn't that close to her.

It's a sign that people liked her, and remember her fondly, and it feels to me like there's a part of her still around as long as people still remember her.

There's a quote by Terry Pratchett that I've always loved -

"No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence."

For me, having someone remember my Mum like that would be one of those ripples, and it brings me comfort.

My in law said similar bat shit stuff after my mum died.
I was too upset at the time to say what I wanted to say, but I haven't been in their company since (not the only batshit stuff they've said/done over the years, but definitely the icing on the cake)
I have no clue why people do this. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it was a nice thing of her to say, if it happened, because they’re not close it was a bit clumsy but it was well intentioned.

However, if she made it up and told your friend then that’s bordering on slightly batshit attention seeking words. And not nice.