Aibu to think this is wildly inappropriate to say to a widow?

[Otterloverfrenchielady]

Df1 very recently lost her Dh unexpectedly

Df2 has not made any effort to be there (they aren’t particularly close) but then tells me that she told her the following.

I had a dream about your dh, he was in a pub and I asked if he was alright and he said he missed us all.

aibu to think this is wildly inappropriate. Why would her dead husband be visiting random friend if you believe in that stuff rather than his wife. if you don’t believe in it what on earth do you hope to gain from it?

nb Df2 doesn’t believe they have some sort of sixth sense, or sight. Generally they have a way of making any situation about themselves.

There’s a third option, which is far more likely, that they had a dream which happened to include their friend’s dead husband and mentioned it to the friend because it didn’t occur to them that it might be tactless — especially if the windowed friend is saddened by dreaming about her DH, or would love to dream about him but hasn’t.

I mean, the friend with the dream isn’t asking to be ‘comforted’, surely? She’s not that close to the widowed friend and presumably wasn’t that close to the dead man?

Exactly.
You're clearly not keen on this woman.

how?
I am genuinely asking as I find this thoughtless and inappropriate however I look at it. I would be upset if someone said that to me.
I accept that some people may find comfort in it, but isn’t that a risky chance to whether they would or not?
I genuinely don’t see how there was any benefit in it, but then again that’s why I am asking, as am I just not seeing it?

sorry for your loss

It was a very insensitive thing to say and based on what the OP states about the person making a situation all about themselves I’d bet they just made it up for something to say 🤷‍♀️

This is the sort of shit my then SIL used to come out with about my son. I've no doubt she'd be telling herself she was saying it to comfort me but in reality she was desperate to see me cry, desperate to put herself above me with regards to my son's made up 'visits' 🙄 and just desperate to make anything and everything about her.

It's attention seeking.

As i see it, no matter how close we are to a person, they are not exclusive to us. They touch other lives and leave an impression on people who are not us. Which is exactly as it should be. Because their life mattered on a wider level than their relationship with us.
Sometimes other people who they connected with, on however small a level, do think of them when they're gone, because they mattered. If it was me I'd see an acquaintance dreaming of my lost loved one as a sign of that. I wouldn't see it as taking anything from me, or an attempt to push themselves into my tragedy, just an indication that his life and death mattered to someone else too.

I am so sorry that you went through that. Absolutely no need for it is there.

Isn't it just a way of saying "I was thinking about you/your DH"? Perhaps a bit clumsy but possibly well meant.

That’s a fair point, I appreciate your perspective.

Dreams are made up of things you have been thinking about on the day or for several days. So, DF2 has been thinking about DF1s DH.

She mentioned the dream to DF1. Xyz was in my dream last night…. It’s the equivalent of saying I’ve been thinking about Xyz. It’s nice.

You want to twist this into something bitter. Running to DF1 twisting this to suit your own narrative will be the cause of any upset not what DF2 did.

You should ask yourself, do you actually like DF2? Are you projecting this by deliberately changing the meaning of anything she tells you, so that others also don’t like her?

From the language the OP is using about 'D' F2, she clearly doesn't like her very much - showy off, makes no effort etc. so her question is very much written to try to get us to vote against her, even though she may have intended no harm whatsoever. The OP didn't even consider "might be trying to be nice and show we're thinking of him" as an option!

Not at all. One of my closest and oldest friends. But having known someone for 25+ years you can also identify parts of their personality that you don’t like. I don’t think liking someone means we shouldn’t call out their behaviour.

I agree with this.

It’s a bit odd you are claiming it is ‘wildly inappropriate’ without actually knowing whether DF1 was upset by it.

🙄

I wonder why you mind so much, OP. There are many reasons why your friend might have mentioned her dream first to the widow then to you. Perhaps you dislike the way she behaves in general and this seemed like a particularly crass example of her tactlessness and making things all about her???

You are reaching here. I haven’t run to df1, or actually bought it up with her at all.
as per my previous replies I love both dfs dearly.
I found it inappropriate, as did some around me. I wanted opinions.

I wouldn’t find it nice. We are all different

She’s done nothing wrong. You’re finding fault for no reason other than you don’t particular like her ways.

Did you call out her ‘behaviour’? Or are you just slagging her off online?

Ok option 3, trying to be nice and was tactless and thoughtless and didn’t consider the impact of her words. Is that any better?

I did
there was a mixture of views on it, thus trying to see others perspectives as I am struggling to see why anyone would do it

You seem a bit odd and black and white in your own mental processes. The friend with the dream was mildly tactless, but having a dream about someone, dead or alive, just isn’t a big deal. She had one so she mentioned it. Probably with good intentions, the same way as someone might say ‘I passed the cricket pitch yesterday and it made me think of John.’

It’s not clear why you think this was such a big deal. Was your widowed friend terribly upset at being told about the dream?

Thats because you chose to ignore the most basic answer. That dF2 was thinking of her friend and had a dream, and shared it with her friend. Not everyone is amazing with words but they were thinking of this sad time and chose to share it. They can be clumsy without having a selfish ulterior motive, you not even considering that is why people here think you don’t like your friend.

Exactly.