AIBU to say no to grandparents' birthday plans on my weekend?

[3sausagedogs]

My daughter turns 18 on Monday. Kids dad hasn’t seen his kids for about 6 years, but his parents see them every other weekend. His parents hate me because we’re not together. The birthday weekend is my weekend, but the grandmother went away last weekend so didn’t have the kids for her weekend. So she’s decided to book a restaurant, cakes, balloons etc for my Saturday night to take the kids out. I said no to my daughter, it’s not her weekend and we fell out about it. My daughter is working Sunday and out with her friends on Monday so I won’t see her then. Am I bring unreasonable by getting upset and saying no. I want to do the Saturday night and do cake, balloons etc for her birthday and I feel she’s ruining it and wrong to ask

Of course she could, she was just being bloody-minded to annoy you

So she’s about to be an adult and you can’t put your feelings aside for one day? Likely she will spend the time with you but there’s a risk that she will feel guilty if she doesn’t

Then grandmother will have to go alone, won’t she? You and your DD go ahead with whatever plans you have made together and ignore her.

DD can now facilitate or ignore whoever she wants as she is now 18.

It does seem a bit strange and strange to be spending her 18th birthday with GPs or mother. I was out on the lash with my friends on my 18th same as everyone else I knew

Grandmother has already celebrated her child’s 18th. It’s your turn now. She’s being difficult for the sake of it. Ignore her.

I said no to my daughter, it’s not her weekend and we fell out about it.

If by that you mean you and your DD fell out then you are massively unreasonable

If they are as awful as they seem I wouldn’t have any contact at all with them - then it’s up to your daughter to decide her relationship with them.

Not unreasonable. The in-laws are assholes.
The history has to be taken into account. The relationship is tense. Any single parent, esp single mum, would want to celebrate their child's birthdays together. As dd is going to be 18, this might be the last time the mum gets to plan this on the day at home together.

Thank goodness someone (i.e. your DD) is behaving like an adult. Her mother and grandmother should ask her for some tips.

Why on earth are you paying for them to take the kids to do stuff? Stop enabling the cheeky sods and spend the money on doing nice things with your kids yourself.

The Court stated that contact with the grandparents would be beneficial for your children. Has the EOW contact been Court mandated? I understand maintaining a relationship with the grandparents, but surely once a month would have sufficed, rather than EOW??? Do your children have a good relationship with their grandparents? You are more or less co-parenting with the grandparents rather than the ex, but they're not having to take on any financial responsibility!

Your daughter is 18, it's her choice where she wants to spend her birthday and who with. The grandmother shouldn't have booked anything when she knew it wasn't her weekend to see your daughter. That's cheeky on her part.

Going forward, and the fact your daughter is an adult, she is going to have to manage her relationship with her grandparents. She may need to stand up to her grandmother, if she's going to be difficult. Do your children know that their grandparents dislike you so much and believe their son is the 'blue eyed boy's who couldn't possibly be violent?

I'd send a simple , "Im sorry we already have plans, it was a lovely thought, but it will have to be rain checked this time, maybe best to check before in before booking in future."
Looks pleasant message but puts them in their place (gently).

You’re the mum. You have first say as to what goes on. The grandmother does not trump the parent. Have your chelation and don’t give in (and restaurant bookings can be cancelled).

Also, it’s not her weekend.

You shouldn't have to pay for the activities that your children do with your horrible in-laws. If they pick nice things to do with your children, they should put their hands in their own pockets and pay for stuff on these days out. I'm pretty sure the court didn't tell you to finance these activities.

It must be horrible for you to have contact with your ex's awful parents just because he has completely washed his hands of anything to do with his own children.

Put your foot down about your daughter's birthday. She obviously wants to celebrate it with you.

We always lived far from my paternal grandmother.
I learned very early why - she was mean!!
We never did anything more than visit her for a couple of days and go out for a meal.
OTOH, we were extremely close with my maternal grandparents - close enough for me to walk to their house and to spend every summer at their mountain cabin.
I can easily see my paternal granny causing this sort of problem -
We were fortunate that our parents removed us before it could happen.

It appears you’ve done a good deed and you’re being punished for it, @3sausagedogs
And for that I’m truly sorry. ❤️

So you let this be your lesson; you make your younger child available for when they want to see them, but you stop paying for activities they choose to do and you don’t go out of your way to make their lives easier.

I can’t believe so many posters not understanding a Mum wanting to spend time with her child on her 18th….inwardly thinking of the day she was born and then enjoying the adult she has become. The GP were incredibly rude and deliberately undermining

The OP @3sausagedogs has been more than accommodating - too accommodating.

The DD actual 18th BDay is on Monday - and she has chosen to spend it with her friends which the OP has accommodated. GP were disrespectful and disruptive and entitled by claiming the Sat night - they were put straight via the OPs DD and flipped out. All was well until older DD then flakes on the Saturday night. OP needs to rein in the older DD!!

Hope you get to celebrate raising your DD single handedly and despite the active abuse of the DF and the disrespect of his parents. Well done to you. Know you have done a great job despite x and his DPs.

Decent people who have been an integral part of their GCs lives

I think sadly it does have to be up to your daughter

BUT you’re not being unreasonable to be privately sad that the baby YOU birthed and have been bringing up solo isn’t going to celebrate with you that day or weekend

But have I read it wrong - the Sat night was back in play as GPs moved to the Tuesday and it’s now the older DD who has since pulled out?

Two of your three kids are now adults. Stop facilitating the EOW rubbish and let the kids contact the GPs if they want to.

Aren't they old enough to decide for themselves?

She is old enough to decide for herself how she spends her time. She can manage her own relationships and contact with her grandparents. You don't need to be involved at all. If I were you, I would step back at this point and not contact your ex's parents again.

Putting aside the poor relationship between you and the grandparents, I don't know why any of you would make plans for the Saturday night closest to your daughters 18th birthday without checking with her first.
At least you don't have to communicate with the grandparents at all going forward.