AIBU to say no to grandparents' birthday plans on my weekend?

[3sausagedogs]

My daughter turns 18 on Monday. Kids dad hasn’t seen his kids for about 6 years, but his parents see them every other weekend. His parents hate me because we’re not together. The birthday weekend is my weekend, but the grandmother went away last weekend so didn’t have the kids for her weekend. So she’s decided to book a restaurant, cakes, balloons etc for my Saturday night to take the kids out. I said no to my daughter, it’s not her weekend and we fell out about it. My daughter is working Sunday and out with her friends on Monday so I won’t see her then. Am I bring unreasonable by getting upset and saying no. I want to do the Saturday night and do cake, balloons etc for her birthday and I feel she’s ruining it and wrong to ask

Decent people who hate OP for leaving their son? Huh

Her birthday is Monday, she’s prioritising her friends on her actual birthday.

And organise a big birthday celebration when they're not due to see their granddaughter.

I think that's really mean of your ex's mum.

Let your daughter choose.
At 18 she should decide what she wants, not you.

If you'd mentioned this in your OP I wouldn't have voted YABU.

But you didn't mention what she wants at all.

As I said earlier I do wonder if she asked to move it because the OP has made such a fuss. It seems like she was initially happy to go.

Let your DD choose what she wants to do.

However I am gobsmacked that you've kept up this EOW with your ex's parents who dislike you for so long. Surely that wasn't court ordered. It's not in the best interests of the kids to have a relationship with grandparents who despise their mum and don't believe their son has been abusive despite a court saying otherwise. It is actually quite damaging.

Op dd can decide how she spends her birthday.

No they don't they sound awful and manipulative.

I can't understand why you've facilitated a relationship for your child/children with the people who raised your violent ex and hate you. Am I missing something? I would have had nothing to do with them and certainly wouldn't have let them near my children.

As for the birthday celebration, I would accept that at almost 18, it's your daughter's decision what she wants to do.

His parents have always seen the children, but they very much have left me responsible for the children

I find this odd. They're your children so of course they've left you responsible for them??

they pick nice things to do with them but I pay and do all the childcare etc

If they want to take the children out they should pay. As for you doing all the childcare....again they're your children?!

I asked if they would contribute towards driving lessons or take the kids out on holiday etc and they say no.

I'm not surprised, this was very cheeky of you.

Which I get they are my responsibility but it feel like they pick and choose

I'm not sure you do get that your children are your responsibility from what you've written, and of course they pick and choose because again, they're your children, not theirs.

You really need to leave the choice down to your daughter here.

Sounds as though GP are being arses but please don't make it uncomfortable for your daughter. Just reassure her that you love her everyday and will celebrate with her on a day of her choice. She will be 18 for the whole year.

Her GPS sound like very decent people

'they refuse to even look or talk to me. My ex was violent and arrested for it. His parents refused to believe it even though he was found guilty'

They don't sound remotely decent to me.

Yes, but that still doesn't make it nothing to do with the girl's mum!

Id try not to have a war over it. Could you go out for lunch and make it lovely? I totally understand that youre upset and why, but you have to pick the battles that deserve the energy.

I told my daughter she should do what she wants it her birthday! Then my eldest daughter messaged to say she’s going out with her friends on Saturday night so won’t be around, at this point the grandmother said she’d rather do Tuesday so the other daughter can go!!! So she could move it!!

They have them every other weekend. They have basically taken on the coparenting role.

'they refuse to even look or talk to me. My ex was violent and arrested for it. His parents refused to believe it even though he was found guilty'

I'm confused as to how/why you asked them to take your children on holiday and pay for their driving lessons?

Your daughter is 18 and it’s up to her how she wants to spend her birthday weekend. Make it easy for her by not being a dick about it.

Of course it does

You are giving them too much communication.
It doesn't suit. Your daughter wants them to move it.
End of. Stop letting them impact on you and control the narrative.

Happy birthday to your daughter. Hope you have a lovely party

Ok so the problem is now resolved your daughters get to see her on Tuesday and you get to do the cake and dinner with your 18 year old on Saturday.

I do think you should probably start to pull away from communicating with the grandparents to be honest. If your older two are now adults then I imagine your younger child isn't much younger and can also make plans independently with them?

Your daughter is 18, so it is up to her. Or you could always invite them to your celebrations for her.
You will start making your daughter feel guilty having to choose between you noth.

Your daughter is 18 and you can no longer tell her no. It’s not your choice what she does on her birthday and isn’t up to you anymore. You’re ruining it by being controlling. If you carry on with your ways, it won’t be you she’s choosing to spend time with.