AIBU to say no to grandparents' birthday plans on my weekend?

[3sausagedogs]

My daughter turns 18 on Monday. Kids dad hasn’t seen his kids for about 6 years, but his parents see them every other weekend. His parents hate me because we’re not together. The birthday weekend is my weekend, but the grandmother went away last weekend so didn’t have the kids for her weekend. So she’s decided to book a restaurant, cakes, balloons etc for my Saturday night to take the kids out. I said no to my daughter, it’s not her weekend and we fell out about it. My daughter is working Sunday and out with her friends on Monday so I won’t see her then. Am I bring unreasonable by getting upset and saying no. I want to do the Saturday night and do cake, balloons etc for her birthday and I feel she’s ruining it and wrong to ask

My kids grandparents (through ex) are always trying to arrange things on my weekends. It's vile. They know "their" weekends years in advance. I like to make plans and have certainty and I think it's a certain power play when people won't respect the alternating arrangements

Why have you allowed these people to have regular access to your DC?

If it isn't mandated by law then I'd have told them to fuck off years ago. Kind, loving, supportive grandparents should always be welcome (regardless of how useless their son is) but people who treat you like crap have no place in your DC lives?

All this has done is model for many years that their behaviour is okay. It is not.

@3sausagedogs are you saying your DD has fallen out with you over this? Sadly I think you have to be the one to back down otherwise you run the risk of ruining her birthday? (Or being accused of such)

Sounds like the 'Disney grandparents' have got their claws in quite deeply.

Oh well then grandmother misses out at least you know where your ex gets it from.

Why did your daughter fall out with you, does she want to go? Do something with her during the day and she can go to her grandparents event later.

As an adult, she can choose when to see the grandparents, sticking to an every other weekend schedule would be weird.

Can the people be trusted with your younger kids? Being pro domestic violence is vile, they can arrange contact with your kids through their criminal son. As he's abandoned them, that's some natural consequences.

So the GPS wants to be in the kids lives, do the big stuff but didn't want to contribute. There son is a blue eyed boy despite the courts deciding he's a cunt. And you've bent over backwards to be accommodating.

How do the kids feel about the situation?

The grandmother obvs

At that age there shouldn’t be a set visit time anyway surely the kids just choose for themselves .

DD is 18. It’s time to knock the EOW grandparent stuff on the head.

DD can make arrangements to see them as and when she wants.

Bizarre your daughter doesn't need you to sort her weekends out she's an adult without her mother going in a huff or grandparents. At her age I wanted to be with my friends for my birthday tbh.

The grandparents don't talk to or look at OP, so likely not to be the grandmother.

How on earth is an almost 18 year old putting up with an EOW arrangement? Surely she’s far too old for this? And surely there’s not much childcare involved anymore?

I still have a younger so the every other weekend still stays with him and my daughter goes only if she feels like it or wants to. When we did the court stuff my ex gave up his right to see his children but the court said the children benefited from the relationship with the grand parents

@3sausagedogs Ask your daughter what SHE wants. And don't make her feel guilty if she actually wants to spend Saturday with gps. She might want to but doesn't dare to say so because you will be upset.
And maybe she wants to go out with her friends to celebrate- that should be fine too.

Tbh I think she feels oppressed by gps and you "sharing" her eow. She's 18 and should be able to go where she wants with who she wants.

She is 18 and will be an adult. Surely its up to HER to decide what SHE wants to do on that Saturday and not anyone else?

Despite all of your updates you still haven't actually said if she wants to go the meal or if her grandparents organised it with her. She obviously has a good relationship with them despite all the stuff with her father if she still chooses to visit so it seems likely she actually did want to see them.

Sorry, going to go against the grain and saying her first loyalty is to you, especially as the grandparents have treated you so badly.

Your MIL was away last weekend on purpose just so she could pull this crap.

She's turning 18 meaning she is an adult and she is free to make her own choices and decisions. Also she doesn't need to have loyalty to anyone, she's not a dog.

She’s 18 she gets to chose
they grow up and out job is to set them free

Why are you getting involved its nothing to do with you.

I can't work out if your daughter wants to go or not. She's 18, if she doesn't want to go then she doesn't have to.

Of course it is? OP wants to celebrate her DD's 18th birthday!

Was there really any need to be so snarky? Loyalty isn't just for dogs you know?

My eldest is from my first marriage, her grandparents wouldn't dream of pulling stuff like this but if they did she would always prioritise me.

Disagree
Daughter shouldn't be in the middle.
Her GPS sound like very decent people

God she’s 18???

TBH these days I don’t expect to see my adult son on his actual birthday, he does his own thing and we book in some kind of meet up or celebration when he’s free.

I think the nicest gift you could give her is to detach yourself from all this, drop the stress level, and say ‘I’m going to make it easier on us all, let’s have a brunch next weekend, if you see your GPs or your mates we’ll catch up after’.