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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think that women should think carefully about what they reveal at work?

118 replies

JumpingPumpkin · 03/04/2026 16:25

Following on from the question about the emphasis on menopause at work which can make it sound as though women of a certain age are just a liability, I recently saw a work blog in which a woman (employee) explained exactly how tired she is and how hard it is to focus at work because she has two young children. I am flabbergasted that women are already so comfortable in the workplace that they can announce that they regularly turn up unfocused and tired but still expect to be paid and treated the same as men.

I'm not cold hearted, I understand that at times work is easier or harder depending on what else is going on. Sometimes your career is affected if you can't do the long on-site visits, and sometimes you have to drop everything for your child due to illness, but essentially the message the boss needs to hear is that you're capable of doing the job well.

We don't get paid just for turning up. Wages aren't just an attendance award. We need to actually do what we're paid for.

OP posts:
tichbrew · 03/04/2026 16:28

Its a tough one I suppose. Although in my work place its more men than women off on long term sick with stress and mental health so I think difficulties beset everyone and employers know this.

somanychristmaslights · 03/04/2026 16:29

So men are never tired and unfocused? Wow, must be amazing to be a man.

AllJoyAndNoFun · 03/04/2026 16:31

I think this whole “bring your whole self to work” is aging badly in the current hiring environment. You basically want to come across as productive and low drama and that’s all.

ShetlandishMum · 03/04/2026 16:32

somanychristmaslights · 03/04/2026 16:29

So men are never tired and unfocused? Wow, must be amazing to be a man.

Male parents at my job complain too. I think it's just a new way to complain about women on MM.

Shallotsaresmallonions · 03/04/2026 16:33

Maybe men need to collectively take on more of the burden of child care and we won't be so tired. Women are doing it all, and we're not going to let our children be the ball that gets dropped so men just don't see a need to step up.

Bokeitup · 03/04/2026 16:33

I imagine that you have no idea just how much of a misogynist you are.

BreakingBroken · 03/04/2026 16:34

And men are simply perfectly focused at work?
I was of the impression they frequently thought of sex and food. Making them just as distracted.

Smoosha · 03/04/2026 16:34

I can definitely see what you mean. I imagine the people talking about how tired and unfocused they are wouldn’t want to be treated by a healthcare professional or something who was also tired and unfocused.
Imagine your dentist writing on their website biography that they like “reading, hill walking, and spending time with their young family. But whilst they love them they hardly sleep more than an hour a night and they often end up zoning out while treating their patients and it’s just so hard to focus, but haha they’re sure ALL parents understand the feeling!” Not really professional is it. Obviously lots of people can feel like that (both men and women) but it’s the announcing it that’s the weird unprofessional part.

JumpingPumpkin · 03/04/2026 16:35

somanychristmaslights · 03/04/2026 16:29

So men are never tired and unfocused? Wow, must be amazing to be a man.

I am sure men do get tired and unfocused. I just can't imagine reading something similar written by a man. It seems a daft thing for a woman to do.

OP posts:
InSightOfLand · 03/04/2026 16:36

In my last place of work, several of the men regularly posted on social media about their workday hangovers, leaving early on Friday afternoon for hobbies and one cheerfully posted a picture of himself strapped up and off work after an unlicensed fight. And yes, they expected to be paid the same as or more than women.

TheIceBear · 03/04/2026 16:38

I don’t have an issue with someone complaining they are tired the odd time at work . If it’s every day that’s one thing but occasionally it’s just conversation. I work with mostly women and we do spend time chatting about our kids and sometimes someone will say they are a bit tired because their child was up sick during the night or whatever . I don’t bat an eyelid once everyone is doing their work. I’d hate to work in a place where you had to behave like a robot and not a human and occasionally be able to vent

DugnuttEyeBoogies · 03/04/2026 16:39

somanychristmaslights · 03/04/2026 16:29

So men are never tired and unfocused? Wow, must be amazing to be a man.

Yeah I’d be brilliant at my job if I had a wife at home doing 90% of the thinking and organisation for the household too.

Must be nice to only have the job to think about, like most of the men I see, who end up doing less in their job than the over tired woman trying to keep proving herself against the unrealistic standards anyway.

DugnuttEyeBoogies · 03/04/2026 16:39

Shallotsaresmallonions · 03/04/2026 16:33

Maybe men need to collectively take on more of the burden of child care and we won't be so tired. Women are doing it all, and we're not going to let our children be the ball that gets dropped so men just don't see a need to step up.

THIS

Anyahyacinth · 03/04/2026 16:42

somanychristmaslights · 03/04/2026 16:29

So men are never tired and unfocused? Wow, must be amazing to be a man.

Yeah they never have sleep apnea from snoring or ill health

Smoosha · 03/04/2026 16:42

TheIceBear · 03/04/2026 16:38

I don’t have an issue with someone complaining they are tired the odd time at work . If it’s every day that’s one thing but occasionally it’s just conversation. I work with mostly women and we do spend time chatting about our kids and sometimes someone will say they are a bit tired because their child was up sick during the night or whatever . I don’t bat an eyelid once everyone is doing their work. I’d hate to work in a place where you had to behave like a robot and not a human and occasionally be able to vent

I think it’s very different just saying you’ve had a bad night/feeling a bit tired to work colleagues one day than writing a blog about how knackered and unfocused you are constantly from having young children. It’s also different writing on Facebook you’ve got a hangover one day to entire work place training sessions saying how menopausal women get bad brain fog and have lots of other issues etc. It’s having a bad day vs quite a lot of bad years during which it implies you can hardly cope with working etc.

something2say · 03/04/2026 16:45

Yes, let's all remember that the main thing in life is for businesses to succeed, and fuck humanity.

PeriPrime · 03/04/2026 16:46

Anyahyacinth · 03/04/2026 16:42

Yeah they never have sleep apnea from snoring or ill health

So many affairs start at work, I do not think the men are always focused.

Runlikesomeoneleftgateopen · 03/04/2026 16:46

I used to be brainwashed into thinking that.
But as a lone widowed parent who was then diagnosed with cancer and on a 5 year horrible medication l learnt to actually speak up, and say No, l can't do the overtime l used to do, due to feeling absolutely bloody exhausted. I wasn't flavour of the month but couldn't have give a shit.

Anyahyacinth · 03/04/2026 16:48

Smoosha · 03/04/2026 16:42

I think it’s very different just saying you’ve had a bad night/feeling a bit tired to work colleagues one day than writing a blog about how knackered and unfocused you are constantly from having young children. It’s also different writing on Facebook you’ve got a hangover one day to entire work place training sessions saying how menopausal women get bad brain fog and have lots of other issues etc. It’s having a bad day vs quite a lot of bad years during which it implies you can hardly cope with working etc.

So we don't need future generations that women provide? The expertise that they have gathered over years of working. We jettison women or accommodate them? What bizarre thinking; it's an awareness raising campaign. We've had them about male mental health. Neurodivergence and more.
It's wonderful...workers are human.
Are men going to take over all the work women do? Of course not

Smoosha · 03/04/2026 16:51

something2say · 03/04/2026 16:45

Yes, let's all remember that the main thing in life is for businesses to succeed, and fuck humanity.

Would you take on a kitchen fitter to fit your new kitchen who told you was so tired he hadn’t slept in days because of his young kids and he barely knew what he was doing and quite honestly he was barely making it through the day? Or would you sympathise but decide you did actually need someone who wasn’t about to make mistakes on the job?

itsadlibitum · 03/04/2026 16:51

Yes Ladies, please be sure to act as though you have no parental responsibility at work, or you don’t deserve to be paid the same as the men.

and while you are at it, when school calls you (even though you told them to call your husband first as he works nearby and you don’t), please don’t make out like your work is more important than your kids, because that makes you a bad mother.

and while you are at it, please make sure you hair make and nails are always done, and you make sure you give your husband regular affection and attention, or you really can’t expect him not to leave you for someone younger.

have I forgotten anything?

Anyahyacinth · 03/04/2026 16:52

itsadlibitum · 03/04/2026 16:51

Yes Ladies, please be sure to act as though you have no parental responsibility at work, or you don’t deserve to be paid the same as the men.

and while you are at it, when school calls you (even though you told them to call your husband first as he works nearby and you don’t), please don’t make out like your work is more important than your kids, because that makes you a bad mother.

and while you are at it, please make sure you hair make and nails are always done, and you make sure you give your husband regular affection and attention, or you really can’t expect him not to leave you for someone younger.

have I forgotten anything?

You forgot the smiling and being nice...that's mandatory

Rhaidimiddim · 03/04/2026 16:54

somanychristmaslights · 03/04/2026 16:29

So men are never tired and unfocused? Wow, must be amazing to be a man.

Or have hangovers (that they mention at work).

itsadlibitum · 03/04/2026 16:54

Anyahyacinth · 03/04/2026 16:52

You forgot the smiling and being nice...that's mandatory

Oh yes, of course. Don’t be a bitch. It’s your job to always be pleasant and not make the men feel uncomfortable.

Cleanhairbrush · 03/04/2026 16:56

AllJoyAndNoFun · 03/04/2026 16:31

I think this whole “bring your whole self to work” is aging badly in the current hiring environment. You basically want to come across as productive and low drama and that’s all.

I hate “bring your whole self to work” crap it’s just an excuse for people to over share.

I love my work but I just want to get it on with it and go home. If I make friends organically I of course want to hear more about their lives. I don’t however want to feel bombarded by colleagues mental health struggles, menopause symptoms or sexual preferences. It’s such a weird forced intimacy that makes me uncomfortable.