AIBU to think that women should think carefully about what they reveal at work?

[JumpingPumpkin]

Following on from the question about the emphasis on menopause at work which can make it sound as though women of a certain age are just a liability, I recently saw a work blog in which a woman (employee) explained exactly how tired she is and how hard it is to focus at work because she has two young children. I am flabbergasted that women are already so comfortable in the workplace that they can announce that they regularly turn up unfocused and tired but still expect to be paid and treated the same as men.

I'm not cold hearted, I understand that at times work is easier or harder depending on what else is going on. Sometimes your career is affected if you can't do the long on-site visits, and sometimes you have to drop everything for your child due to illness, but essentially the message the boss needs to hear is that you're capable of doing the job well.

We don't get paid just for turning up. Wages aren't just an attendance award. We need to actually do what we're paid for.

That's the snowflake generation for you.

They are generally pretty nice and hardworking. But maybe lack friends or family nearby to confide in? I seem to have one of those faces that makes people want to tell me stuff. I definitely do not seek it out.

I discussed this with some colleagues recently. We broadly agreed with the alternative - bring your professional self to work. My employer isn't paying for my whole self, nor is it entitled to it.

Why is it ableist to not want to hear a litany of woes from people you work with?

I don’t have a problem sharing intimate information with friends but I don’t want to hear loads of details about the menopause struggles and mental health issues of people who I haven’t chosen to share with.

There is a place for talking about personal issues with colleagues but you have to be careful who you share with and circumspect about how you do it. I have learned the hard way that over sharing about your personal life can be weaponised against you.

People who inflict private health and personal information on colleagues are making themselves vulnerable to abuse and honestly most people aren’t interested.

Nothing to do with being ableist though. It applies to everyone.

I think what is going for that woman might be similar to me, I used to go above and beyond and do everything exceptionally well and work overtime all the time. Now I just work the hours I’m contracted and don’t take on extras (not quite quiet quitting but not far off) as that’s all I have capacity to give

Agreed. Workplaces would be much better places if people left most of their selves at home.

No matter how I felt on the inside I would never show it. I’m at work so I remain professional even if I’m dying inside.

I don’t tend to reveal much about my private life at work. I’d say that’s a good strategy for anyone tbh, male or female. I’m happy to chat on a surface level but somehow things always bite you in the butt if you reveal too much.

Not to mention the Roman Empire!

I had a male boss years ago who had the idea of giving all women the first day of their period off 🤣

I mean…who in the company was going to employ a woman over a man knowing they get 12 extra days off each year?

Agree, however...unless you've been hit by a horrendous menopause, you really have no idea what its like. Flooding so badly that you can't leave the house, hot flushes that turn you puce with sweat dripping off your face and a furnace inside you, words slipping away from you, a racing heart that makes you feel like you're having a heart attack.

My uncle committed suicide when I was 21. My mum didn't find that easy to hide when she was working full time even when she went back to work particularly when she had to go to a concert with the kids singing the River Clyde the wonderful Clyde -my uncle drowned himself. She was in tears

I don't blame her for that

Isn’t that a bit like saying men should shut up about men’s mental health or high suicide rates now if they want to stay employed in this climate ? Employers might think they can’t cope and will cost the company money on long term sick or by needing replacing unexpectedly. Or. People are humans, not robots and we go through stages in life where we might need accommodating a bit. We are worth it.

No, not really. And I think it's crass that people constantly try and use male suicide as some kind of whatabouttery trump card. Incidentally, women attempt suicide at higher rates than men, but men use more violent methods. So the reality of the statistics is more nuanced and requires nuanced responses.

The op posted about a woman who had published a blog on her employer's website saying she was struggling to focus at work. That's completely different to having private discussions or generic discussions outside work - or approaching your employer seeking support.

Of course people have things going on in their lives and appropriate support should be available. But as a general rule that is not gained by publishing complaints on your employer's website. To return to your analogy, it would be akin to a man posting on his employer's website that he was suicidal. That would be dangerous because it could create a risk amongst other employees (as well as distress for any others affected) and it is certainly not the appropriate way for the individual to access support.

Sorry what - my mum didn't use her brothers death as some what aboutery trump card - she was broken with grief

I broadly experience it from female colleagues and cringe a bit when women my middle age use it as an excuse for having dropped the ball.

Though a 27 year old with no kids last week gave the excuse of being 'emotionally exhausted' for making a bit of a fuck-up.

Though at least there was a proposed excuse! The men just seem to ignore it when it's pointed out that you've told them something X number of times.

I don't know if it's just the area I work in but I've never encountered a group of people of ages from 21-60s who seem to have such poor memories and retention of information.

Absolute 🦇💩.

Especially the bit about kids. I hear this from parents in the office all the time. Male and female.

Sounds like you just hate women.

I know all about that, but luckily just got boiling hot with no sweat.