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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think that women should think carefully about what they reveal at work?

118 replies

JumpingPumpkin · 03/04/2026 16:25

Following on from the question about the emphasis on menopause at work which can make it sound as though women of a certain age are just a liability, I recently saw a work blog in which a woman (employee) explained exactly how tired she is and how hard it is to focus at work because she has two young children. I am flabbergasted that women are already so comfortable in the workplace that they can announce that they regularly turn up unfocused and tired but still expect to be paid and treated the same as men.

I'm not cold hearted, I understand that at times work is easier or harder depending on what else is going on. Sometimes your career is affected if you can't do the long on-site visits, and sometimes you have to drop everything for your child due to illness, but essentially the message the boss needs to hear is that you're capable of doing the job well.

We don't get paid just for turning up. Wages aren't just an attendance award. We need to actually do what we're paid for.

OP posts:
Cleanhairbrush · 03/04/2026 18:32

TracyLords · 03/04/2026 18:28

and I absolutely refuse
to do any of the bloody wife work whatsoever I

Totally agree, the women at my work who do this stuff drive me crazy. Don’t be the default person who organises the Christmas meal or the leaving drinks. It’s always women who do it and it’s a thankless task.

Dragonflytamer · 03/04/2026 18:32

Cleanhairbrush · 03/04/2026 16:56

I hate “bring your whole self to work” crap it’s just an excuse for people to over share.

I love my work but I just want to get it on with it and go home. If I make friends organically I of course want to hear more about their lives. I don’t however want to feel bombarded by colleagues mental health struggles, menopause symptoms or sexual preferences. It’s such a weird forced intimacy that makes me uncomfortable.

I'm with you. Take your work-self to work. Leave non-work stuff at the door. That is what most men have always done, women need to do the same.

Rachelshair · 03/04/2026 18:34

JumpingPumpkin · 03/04/2026 17:06

For those commenting about men stating how tired they are due to children, how hungover they are, how distracted by their office affair etc. When I see a work blog written by a man about how much these things affect his focus I'll consider this a parallel scenario. Maybe in other companies men do write such blogs.

At my work it is very much encouraged to share mental health/ it's ok to not be ok type issues. Most of the intranet blogs, linkedin posts on this etc are by men. I find it so awkward to know such personal, painful stuff about folk I don't know well and some of their stories are really upsetting. Women writing about juggling work and kids would just be normal really, no-one is a perfect work robot.

rwalker · 03/04/2026 18:35

somanychristmaslights · 03/04/2026 16:29

So men are never tired and unfocused? Wow, must be amazing to be a man.

It’s about announcing you can’t do your job for what ever reason come across as unprofessional
it’s like saying your so hungover and only doing 1/2 a job

shhblackbag · 03/04/2026 18:35

Cleanhairbrush · 03/04/2026 16:56

I hate “bring your whole self to work” crap it’s just an excuse for people to over share.

I love my work but I just want to get it on with it and go home. If I make friends organically I of course want to hear more about their lives. I don’t however want to feel bombarded by colleagues mental health struggles, menopause symptoms or sexual preferences. It’s such a weird forced intimacy that makes me uncomfortable.

Agree. I hated this when working in an office.

Cleanhairbrush · 03/04/2026 18:38

Dragonflytamer · 03/04/2026 18:32

I'm with you. Take your work-self to work. Leave non-work stuff at the door. That is what most men have always done, women need to do the same.

Yes I think it’s wise to be selective about how much and what you share. At the moment I find the worst culprits at my work are younger male colleagues. As a middle aged woman they seem to want to tell me all their woes. I guess like a substitute mum! The young women seem much more resilient and focused.

BernadetteJune · 03/04/2026 18:39

It's about being human. Everyone in the workplace will experience difficulties at some point - just a few from my workplace include:
parents with dementia
back injury
teenage son with depression
needing hip replacement
daughter with post natal depression
These things can affect all employees - men/women/young/old etc. Yes of course there is work to be done but if we all show a little understanding for others then maybe those people will be there for us when we need it.

decorationday · 03/04/2026 18:47

When you say "work blog" do you mean a blog on the employer's website that this woman has contributed a post to?

JumpingPumpkin · 03/04/2026 18:54

Yep - am employee posting on the employer intranet.

OP posts:
Madarch · 03/04/2026 18:55

I'm torn.

My brain fog pre HRT was so debilitating. I'd be in full flow of a presentation to a boardroom and then, BOOM. Nothing. Everything would just stop. Tumbleweed.

In the end I styled it out with an acknowledgment that meno brain fog had struck. I honestly don't know how else to have filled the weird long silence until my brain rebooted and came back online.

HappyMummaOfOne · 03/04/2026 18:56

JumpingPumpkin · 03/04/2026 17:34

I really don't. I have a dim view of unprofessional women at work. Much like I have a dim view of unprofessional men.

Tell me you don’t have kids without actually saying you don’t have kids 🙄

before I had kids I remember expecting everyone to have the same “professionalism” as me and be super focused ect ect….then I had kids and F*ck me was it a wake up call! Do you know what is professional, turning up to work after an hour or two of sleep due to a teething baby and still doing my job better than half the team! Just because I answer that I’m tired or struggling to focus when someone asks how I am doesn’t make me unprofessional or unproductive! Believe me I’m still doing a better job than most. My work is still done and my attention to deal is better than people without kids.

The only difference between now and years ago is that women like me are being honest and not trying to pretend we perfect. I asked a friend how on earth she did it all with work and kids when hers had been little (I was feeling down one day and like a failure) and she said she had been falling apart behind the scenes most days but just spoke about it. Now we are just more open about the challenges of modern life. I personally don’t see that as a negative thing.

EwwPeople · 03/04/2026 19:07

I work with someone who is going through menopause and is having a complete nightmare with it. She hasn’t slept in months , so obviously she not at her best. However, while she might crash at breaks or lunch, get emotional , complains etc. during work time you wouldn’t be able to tell that she’s functioning on 3 hours of sleep and vats of caffeine and red bull. She’s there, she’s present and doing her best.

itsadlibitum · 03/04/2026 19:08

UraniumFlowerpot · 03/04/2026 17:32

I kind of agree, though it makes me sad to do so!

Workplaces still tend to be built on patriarchal assumptions. Strength = good, vulnerability = bad. I think the world would be a better place if it was possible to “bring your whole self to work” and if there was more general understanding that shit happens and we’re not robots. But that’s not the world we’re in and actually I think it’s going backwards with the worsening economic situation.

Women effectively saying women are unreliable as workers does undermine efforts to reduce discrimination. There has to be a better way to campaign for more human and more caring workplaces, more cooperation and less hierarchy, more substance and less show… Saying “the current workplace doesn’t fit women’s needs” should be a good argument for changing things but actually is more likely to result in pushback against working women. We need to start with more fundamental arguments about why profit is a poor measure of value, how to organize a whole society that actually makes people happier and more connected etc., argue for those values as beneficial for (almost) everyone.

One reason I think people are taking about this more is the sense of cognitive dissonance from how we’ve been told we can do anything men can do, we’re free to achieve anything, vs many women finding they underachieve (according to salary / status) compared to obviously less talented men. So we want to understand why, and part of the reason is inequality at home and different health needs (on average). So we want to talk about those things — partly to justify ourselves but also trying to make real the promises of equal opportunity for future women. And maybe we’ve forgotten sometimes how quickly this extremely patriarchal system will turn on us.

I don’t think these posts are normally to say the women can’t perform well. More often than not I read them as “look at everything i have on and I still show up and perform”.

DavesGirl90 · 03/04/2026 19:15

JumpingPumpkin · 03/04/2026 16:35

I am sure men do get tired and unfocused. I just can't imagine reading something similar written by a man. It seems a daft thing for a woman to do.

A very senior man at my work who has four young children said at a team meeting that he understands as well as anyone how personal life can intrude on work and, to quote, “there might be whole years” where our focus isn’t on work, but the long term picture is what matters.

Another man on my team - not senior, same level as me - has a tiny baby and complains at meetings constantly about being tired.

You just sound really sexist to make this into a weakness of women. In compassionate, well-managed workplaces it’s fine for people of either sex to show they’re human.

NoSoupForU · 03/04/2026 19:15

Are you thick?

Maintaining focus is difficult for me. That doesn't mean I can't or don't do it, but that it's harder for me.

Happily, my boss and employer aren't dense or ignorant so measure my output and give support when it's requested.

JumpingPumpkin · 03/04/2026 19:16

Tell me you don't have kids?!
It's hilarious how many assumptions made about my experience or lack of it. I'm not claiming to have been overly successful at work, for various reasons, partly through having children before starting a graduate career, partly through changing roles and trying different things, and most recently working part time to care for my dying mother, whilst going through the menopause. None of this is particularly unusual - most people my age are going through similar.

I am one of the extremely typical women on here.

OP posts:
Sartre · 03/04/2026 19:20

I know what you mean. I don’t mention my children at work at all and barely mention DH either. I very much compartmentalise- work is work, home is home to me. I’ve also never wanted to be ‘Mum’ at work so I don’t want to be an insufferable woman talking about her children constantly when no one gives a shit (yes- even other parents feel this way). I equally never wanted my achievements to be overshadowed by “hasn’t she done a great job even though she’s a Mum of five!”. So yeah, I get it. If I’m tired I just get on with it!

Batties · 03/04/2026 19:21

JumpingPumpkin · 03/04/2026 19:16

Tell me you don't have kids?!
It's hilarious how many assumptions made about my experience or lack of it. I'm not claiming to have been overly successful at work, for various reasons, partly through having children before starting a graduate career, partly through changing roles and trying different things, and most recently working part time to care for my dying mother, whilst going through the menopause. None of this is particularly unusual - most people my age are going through similar.

I am one of the extremely typical women on here.

“how many assumptions made about my experience or lack of it”

you have made assumptions about women, and those women who are mothers, based on a blog post.

Anewuser · 03/04/2026 19:21

This reminds me of an appraisal I received at work during my first pregnancy. One of my targets was to continue producing the same amount of work after I’d had my child as I currently was. This was over thirty years ago and I had no idea about discrimination etc then.

It lead to me worrying about my work ethic and I returned to the job when my child was six weeks old. I still hate that my manager thought this was appropriate.

JumpingPumpkin · 03/04/2026 19:30

Anewuser · 03/04/2026 19:21

This reminds me of an appraisal I received at work during my first pregnancy. One of my targets was to continue producing the same amount of work after I’d had my child as I currently was. This was over thirty years ago and I had no idea about discrimination etc then.

It lead to me worrying about my work ethic and I returned to the job when my child was six weeks old. I still hate that my manager thought this was appropriate.

Oh that must have been hideous. That's barely time to recover physically. I know in the US women go back at around 3 months which is still far too soon in my opinion.

OP posts:
ElleintheWoods · 03/04/2026 19:37

Aren't men the same though? I work with/ manage several dads and they are open about having been up all night with young kids and feeling unfocused or short fused, making mistakes, or asking for a last minute holiday just to sleep, as they haven't slept for weeks. Lots of parental leave with sick children etc.

Also it tends to be men who are open about being heavily hungover at work and barely functioning, turning up looking like they got into a scrap with a raccoon, not seen partying-related absence or underperformance from women personally. Also broken legs from football way more common with men.

Generally I don't see your point.

And from a HR POV, attendance is a prize. Attendance is a big KPI, and I'd still rather have a team member present and doing something, as opposed to being absent randomly half the time because they're tired, with others scrambling for cover.

As long as they aren't a pilot or brain surgeon of course! But in all fairness these people are regularly knackered.

canuckup · 03/04/2026 19:44

Tell work what they need to know.

That you are 100% committed, productive and engaged at all times.

Wokeism is dead basically

SerenitySeeker4 · 03/04/2026 19:47

Shallotsaresmallonions · 03/04/2026 16:33

Maybe men need to collectively take on more of the burden of child care and we won't be so tired. Women are doing it all, and we're not going to let our children be the ball that gets dropped so men just don't see a need to step up.

Very well said.

decorationday · 03/04/2026 19:48

JumpingPumpkin · 03/04/2026 18:54

Yep - am employee posting on the employer intranet.

Oh I see. Well, I wouldn't have wanted to publish something like that in such a place and I get where you're coming from. Optics do matter whether we like it or not.

I do see posts on employer websites from employees talking about how supportive their employer was in enabling them to work around personal struggles and family commitments. It's usually quite carefully framed though to avoid making anyone sound bad - because it's essentially just marketing.

JLou08 · 03/04/2026 20:00

Why should we have to hide what we're experiencing just because the problem is linked with our sex? If we are going through pregnancy/PMT/menopause/struggling with caring responsibilities we should be able to talk about it. You're thinking is backwards in my opinion. Do you think no man ever gets tired or loses focus? They're never ill, never struggle with emotions? Never feel stressed with work or their personal life? Your post comes across as though you think men are better employees.

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