AIBU to question my friend's daughter effectively moving in with us?

[thesunisnearlyhere]

This is a long winded one and I will try not to drip feed.

my childhood friend is having some major issues at the moment although I have sort of lost sympathy over time. Let’s call her Sarah.

Sarah and I grew up in the same area and went to school with eachother from the age of 4 until 16.
she eventually has children with a mutual friend we had growing up who was always “ trouble “
I had my own kids with someone not from the local area and our lives are very different. We have always remained friends though.
she now has 3 kids and I have 4 kids.
the relationship between her and “ Steve “ has always been toxic. She throws him out every other week but his never changed I got tired over 10 years supporting her when he was always allowed back.
we both have daughters who are now in secondary school.
life has not changed for her one bit and still on the rotation of kicking DP out and having explosive fights every other week.
drugs, alcohol and the rest of it.
her teen daughter who is lovely has spent more and more time at our house.
I won’t let my DD around there and so they spend most of there time at mine. This gradually turned in to her being here over the weekends all the time and never going home during a school holiday.
last week after school broke up there was another huge fight, I went and picked up all the children and in the end and bought them back to mine.
I rang social services the 2 younger children are currently now at their aunts house and the eldest is still with me. Apparently social services are pretty useless and the younger 2 are returning home. The eldest is refusing and wants to remain here. The social services at this point don’t seem very bothered about her staying here and are coming for anoher visit on Wednesday.
Sarah has basically said keep her - she got us in to this mess. She seems to be blaming eldest for the social involvement because she rang my daughters phone that night.
she says she loves her but that she clearly doesn’t want to come home so she can just stay here.
surely it’s not that simple and social work just let her move in here with us ?
It seems a big responsibility to have another child who is not mine just move in.
social services have visited and made sure she is safe and coming against Wednesday but what happens next ?

I’m sure someone will be along soon with some specific advice but just wanted to say what a lovely person you are OP

How old is the daughter? Under 16 and it's a private fostering arrangement. Social care team should explain this to you, but if they're visiting already it sounds like that's how they're treating it.

Well Sarah would no longer be a friend. It's a difficult situation. My gut feeling would be to keep the girl at my house if I had space and could afford to. I would be asking her mum to contribute financially, but i expect she wouldn't. I would give the girl house rules to abide by, the same as my children. The difference would be, she transgresses,she's out.

12 😭

Be private fostering arrangement they still
sort it and give you information if it becomes official basically. Your friend is a shitty person i would drop her like a hot potato. Are ss aware she’s a drug addict? If not i would be making them aware

It’s safe to say that friendship is over! However much you like someone, if they repeatedly endanger their kids then they aren’t a good person.

You’re right to question her moving in- it’s your choice really of whether to commit to that or explore other options but her future may be brighter with the foundation and parenting you can offer

What do you want? I hope they are offering you funds to help with the extra food etc in the interim (her parents) poor children sounds toxic. It will also damage the siblings relationship (speaking from experience)

Her ages matters in this. Are you willing to have her short term/longer term? Does that depend on financial support? Do you think she’d be safe at home? Social services often go with whatever’s easiest and safe.

Well this is one of my concerns I mean taking in one 12 year old is one thing but what is the younger ones also need somewhere. Surely wouldn’t be able to split them up.
I couldn’t imagine my children being seperated !

I think before the meeting you and your husband have to decide what is best for your daughter and your family. I agree with you that it is a big responsibility and it’s an ongoing one too. Kids don’t move out at seventeen when they have a job any more. And is it the best thing for her to live with someone who isn’t her family and have that feeling of having to be grateful/always do the right thing as it’s tied up to having a roof over her head.

I would also want to know more about the Aunt’s situation. Can the dd live there and still be supported by you?

EDIT
wow, twelve is so very young. I had I imagined her to fifteen or sixteen for some reason. Poor kid.

At the moment no one has offered me any money but to honest feeding one extra child with 4 already is barely noticeable so not been my main priority at the moment.
she doesn’t want to go anywhere else. She did not entertain the idea of her aunts house.

It’s difficult as you need to balance the needs of your own children too. How would they all feel about her being there all the time? Parenting her is unlikely to be straightforward with the start she’s had 😞. Having said that, if you can offer her a safe place then that’s an amazing thing to do. Would she be able to stay at her current school?

Are you able and willing to have her stay with you? That's the first question you need to ask yourself - and there's nothing wrong with saying no. Then you leave it for social services to work out - would guess if she doesn't want to go home with your ex-friend and has serious safeguarding issues, it would be some sort of group facility for teenagers.

Just saw your concern about the siblings - they'd likely be separated in foster care anyway. And I can't see anyone expecting you to take in so many additional children.

Obviously your friendship is over but it would be nice if you felt able to stay in the child's life in some way as she's inherently all alone now. Poor kid.

I mean I adore her and she has basically lived here every weekend and holidays for a long time.
she attends the same school so that I suppose is easy.
I have emailed the school but it’s Easter break so have not heard back yet.

My only issue being is rooms. I’m assuming she wouldn’t be able to stay sharing a room with a non sibling. Or is this different with private fostering ?

This is how we got one of my cousins nearly 40 years ago. He is still here. He has kids now. Soon they will probably have kids. He's here to stay.

There is no way I could do it - that would be 7 children

12,12, 8, 7, 3, 2 and 1 !

As others have said, this will need to be assessed by social care as a private fostering arrangement. As it’s considered a private arrangement, the LA have no obligation to help you financially but her mother should. She should at least allow you to claim any benefits related to having her in your care.
It sounds like your daughters friend has had a very chaotic upbringing so what you’re doing for her is lovely.

The thing is, like isn’t a Disney film. Moving in with your best friend and her family forever is movie plot stuff. I don’t suppose you or your husband are banging on about homework or not eating toast in bed. When she’s at your house is it more like a holiday or is it life as normal?

I can’t remember if you said the ages of your other children but teenagers are expensive and time consuming.

If she’s bunking in with your twelve year old in the holidays then this is something that is going to be difficult. No twelve year old girl should have to have the choice of sharing a room for the next decade or their best friend being told she can’t stay here and has to like with an unreliable and feckless mother.

Currently both girls including DD seem content and are just planning their week activities.
Its a bit strange she seems very oblivious and just getting on as always.
curreny making a mess in the kitchen making Easter cookies with DD.

Well to be fair - I do 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

they get homework on a Friday and they have to do it before anything else gets done she the weekend which usually includes her because 3 out of 4 weekends she is here.

OP if she stays with you children’s social care are definitely interested - if it’s more than, or expected to be more than 28 days you are are privately fostering and this is regulated - children’s social care will need to do some sort of assessment. They allowed the youngest children to go back to Mum because they investigated and decided this was the best thing for them.

This has all really kicked off with her spending more time here since September when they started secondary school.

She’s probably loving being in a calm household. My parents had a lot of problems in their marriage when I was a teenager. One day one of their friends dropped by, saw what was going on and took me and my brother to their house for the weekend. I have never forgotten how relaxing the weekend was.

will they force her to go home ?
I have left a message asking for an update about the younger 2 as it’s only Sarah who has told me so far they are returning.