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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS i won’t pick him up from the airport at 2am or drop him off again after how he behaved today?

114 replies

MelodicMercury · 03/04/2026 02:05

I have 4 dc 3 boys 21 and 12 and 3 and a 12yo girl I split with my ex (dad of 3 oldest) in 2017, he was abusive and he’s not involved, the twins don't really remember him because they were only 4 but eldest does obviously and he did whiteness some of the abuse, he was also emotionally abusive toward him (that’s what pushed me to split when he started on eldest)

We moved into a 3 bed house as that’s all i could afford the older 2 boys share a room in bunk beds, eldest has the bunk with a double. DD shares and 3yo has his own bed in my room. I've I never lived with his dad FT but he does stay over though our relationship is complicated somewhat atm

The reason I haven't partitioned the elder boys room is because eldest was complaining about not having a double and he wouldn't have been able to with a sectioned room due to space as the room isn't huge as it is.

he didn't sit his GCSEs due to it being the covid year, but he did well with the predicted grades though he did fail maths. He started a catering course but dropped out after a few months, generally he was ok atittudewise etc though

He then got a job the following year which he hated as it was at a supermarket so very early shifts. He is obsessed with the artist Louis Tomlinson so he bought tickets to go and see his tour (in 2023 I think) but the manager said he couldn't have all those days off so he quit on the spot and used his trust fund money from when he turned 18 to go travelling around Europe and he was mostly travelling that year. I didn't exactly begrudge it as he was an adult and I imagined it would be like taking a gap year

However he didn't get a job straight away but after a while he did, he worked there for about 10/11 months and quit last march. He claimed his manager was treating him badly and quit over message. His gf broke up with him a few months prior and he claimed he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day on his phone, sleeping in the day and on his phone at night with airpods so he wasn’t distubrting his brother but still. But he would complain when he’d get up for school as he’d wake him. He was prescribed antidepressants and offered therapy, he had about 3 sessions but he hasn’t for a while and he said the therapist isn’t helping

He doesn’t have many local friends but he would go out drinking a few times a week and was getting back drunk and sometimes disturbing us and other times staying out and not letting me know. I know he’s an adult but stilll he lives here it’s not a hotel

He doesn’t work still and last year Louis tomlinson announced he was going on tour which gave ds more of a reason not to work, he wasn’t pleased he couldn’t go to as many dates as before but said there was no point getting a job because he wouldn’t be allowed the time off. He’s now content with the 4 dates he has including one abroad and has said he will get a job when he’s attended his tour dates. He has been looking and applied for a few but not properly looking and he hasn’t heard back. He has a bf now and he’s in uni so hopefully he’ll want to do well too but i’ll believe it when i see it as he didn’t when he had a gf.

He left today (well yesterday now thursday) to go to the concert, he booked his coach to the airport for 4:50 in the morning so i had to drop him off as it’s a 20/25 min drive and he can’t drive. I agreed to it and woke up at 3:50, he had gone to sleep for an early night for a change and id already told his brother not to disturb him if he was playing on his playstation or watching something as eldest was complaining.

Ds wasn’t even awake so i went into him at about 4, he didn’t get up straight away and was complaining he was tired and when he finally did get up he made unnecessary noise and woke his brother. Luckily he didn’t have school today.

He was snappy the whole time in the car and even when i said i didn’t have to drop him off he still didn’t seem grateful.

He’s on the last flight home of the day on Saturday and the coach is 3.5 hours and isn’t meant to arrive here until 1;55 in the morning so i’ll have stay awake and then do a 40/50 minute round trip again

Would it BU to tell him i won’t pick him up after today? Or drop him off at the coach station again, he’ll have to make his own way there or organise something else

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 03/04/2026 02:26

Why do you think that might be unreasonable?

I think you’ve over indulged him to his and your detriment so far. The worry is that it’s a bit late to fundamentally change the way he sees things and it will probably take a lot of time and pain.

Wordsmithery · 03/04/2026 02:38

Sounds like he's been freeloading for years, dipping in and out of work as he sees fit. How's he funding his lifestyle now? With a student loan?
If he can afford flights and tickets to multiple concerts then he can certainly afford a taxi home.
Set some boundaries and stop giving him everything he wants. You're not helping him behave like an adult.

Sorrentino · 03/04/2026 02:44

So who is in the house with the 3yo and the 12yos while you’re driving your adult son at 3am? If he is an adult and can buy concert tickets abroad he can book an uber to the bus in the middle of the night.

i understand the desire to support him and help him feel cared for and loved after an abusive home situation with your ex but you’re giving him the message that your responsibility is to do whatever is necessary for him to avoid taking any responsibility for himself and your other children will take note too of the way mums and women drop everything. Unless you want to be doing this for him for the next 10 or 30 years he needs to start taking responsibility for himself - job, paying rent if he’s not in education or training, making a contribution to the household on your terms.

I can’t imagine his self esteem or mood will improve if he doesn’t develop the willpower to spatula himself away from his phone and games console and start participating in home and his own life. The concert and idolising thing seems like a form of escape rather than a desire to participate in a fan community.

this is not a criticism of you - you’re trying to love and support him but it seems like he needs to develop some (hard- won) personal resilience and responsibility before it’s ingrained in him that emotional labour is someone else’s job and he doesn’t know how to do things to improve his self respect. I’d be nervous about his vulnerability to the red pill msnosphere tbh.

Onthemaintrunkline · 03/04/2026 03:57

Your 21 year old seems to be ruling the roost here, quitting employment when he likes, working when he likes, and treating the brother he shares a bedroom as well as you, how he likes.

At the very least his behaviour when unpleasant, needs definite attention. You don’t reward bad behavior. I don’t say this to patronize, you’ve got this big lad largely on your own, but he does need the very definite discipline of either study or full-time employment, a few manners to you his Mum are needed as well! It does read as if he treats you as a convenience. I wouldn’t be nearly as available in future until gratitude or appreciation are exhibited.

UraniumFlowerpot · 03/04/2026 04:24

The majority of this is irrelevant to the question. Your adult and essentially capable son wants a lift somewhere but it is not convenient for you. You are allowed to say no.

More generally, though admittedly you didn’t ask for general advice, I think it would be helpful to set out some expectations with him around how long he can continue to live with you and under what terms. There’s not really space for him to stay indefinitely and once he’s out of full time education you could reasonably ask him to contribute to bills. You could also talk to him about saving up for a deposit on his own place, perhaps offering to help a bit with that as long as he’s holding down a job etc. It’s good to be able to enjoy travel and music and so on at this age but it’s also important to have some plans how to become self sufficient.

ilovesooty · 03/04/2026 04:36

If he can afford all that he can afford a taxi when he gets home.

Bristolandlazy · 03/04/2026 05:11

He can afford an Uber. Hrs not grateful, you're feeling too much.

SpiritAdder · 03/04/2026 05:20

Minor details aside, he is a 21yo university student after a gap year at 18. So he is what? In his second or final year?

You don’t have room for him at home. I think I’d be depressed too if at 21 I was sharing a bunk bed with my 12yo brother. If a therapist isn’t helping, then get a different therapist. It’s really common to have to try many therapists and many medications before you find the right combination that helps.

Why isn’t he in university accommodation? Or a student flat share? He would then have a better idea of the value of money if he knew that food, rent, heat cost money. He would probably do better at Uni if he were living at Uni as well.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him he needs to move out.

Short term, collect him from the coach at 2am because it’s not really fair to cancel on him last minute. You don’t have to stay awake until then. Go to bed at 10pm, get up at 2am and then drive to collect him.

DCmum95 · 03/04/2026 05:29

I think it’s the boyfriend who is in Uni not OPs son

Catinhel · 03/04/2026 05:29

If I’m reading this right, it’s the son’s boyfriend who is a university student, not OP’s son.

mjf981 · 03/04/2026 05:37

Of course you're not unreasonable.
He needs to sort his life out at 21. Flitting all over Europe for multiple shows when he doesn't have a job? What a bloody liberty. Wouldn't we all like to be doing that with out time??
Bugger that.
Here's what I would do:

Send him a text saying you're not picking him up as he was a grumpy ass when you dropped him off, and you don't feel like it.
Start charging him rent and more money for bills (do you?).
Have a sit down talk when he is back about his long term plans.

I get the feeling you're a lovely Mum but far too soft and need to be tougher on him - otherwise you'll make things too easy for him which will not be helpful for him in the long term. He'll still be dossing at home home and working off and on at 40.

Iocanepowder · 03/04/2026 05:48

Who is with your 12 year olds and 3 year old at home while you’re out giving lifts in the middle of the night?

SpiritAdder · 03/04/2026 05:49

I read it as the DS was in Uni
His [DS] gf broke up with him a few months prior..
He[DS]has a bf now and he’s[DS]in uni so hopefully he’ll [DS] want to do well too but i’ll believe it when i see it as he [DS] didn’t when he [DS] had a gf.

Would be good to have clarity? If the bf was in Uni, wouldn’t it have been written
He has a bf now who attends Uni….

Dontlletmedownbruce · 03/04/2026 05:51

I would say no to collecting him. I do feel a bit sorry for him though, he sounds quite lost in life. Sharing a room with a kid, a girlfriend one minute, a boyfriend next. Obsessively following a singer around on tour, to the detriment of other areas of his life. Its all a bit concerning. I think some tough love is needed. He needs to sort himself out but I think needs your help too. He might need different therapy, maybe he needs guidance in finding a job that he likes, he needs to start being an adult and organising his own transport and finances and you might need to start charging rent. I think helping him find a place to live would be preferable to kicking him out, you don't want him to resent younger siblings and feel rejected.

greengagejamandcrumpets · 03/04/2026 06:02

OP, why are you indulging this lazy entitled waster ?

He's 21 and not a child - he's an adult.

Tell him to shape up or ship out.

AlwaysTheRenegade · 03/04/2026 06:24

Just text him now/ soon and say you can't pick him up so he has time to book other transport. Even if you live really remotely usually someone local will do an airport run for some cash. Has he gone with his Bf or alone?

Four times seems a bit excessive to see one artist. How's he paying for the tickets?

AlwaysTheRenegade · 03/04/2026 06:25

Iocanepowder · 03/04/2026 05:48

Who is with your 12 year olds and 3 year old at home while you’re out giving lifts in the middle of the night?

I think she said they 3 year old dad stays over sometimes do I'm assuming him.

SquallyShowersLater · 03/04/2026 06:49

We moved into a 3 bed house as that’s all i could afford the older 2 boys share a room in bunk beds, eldest has the bunk with a double. DD shares and 3yo has his own bed in my room. I've I never lived with his dad FT but he does stay over though our relationship is complicated somewhat atm

Who does your DD share with? Confused

curious79 · 03/04/2026 06:52

While you have clearly overindulged your little princeling, I’m not sure teaching him a lesson by refusing to pick him up at 2am from an airport when you had already agreed to do it is the way. However, he’s now wearing his big boy pants and could I’m sure handle it

Thecomedyclub · 03/04/2026 06:54

Is this the same ds who was dd? There is quite a lot to unpick if so. Stop pandering to your adult child. Think about your youngest - and perhaps some of this explains your rocky relationship with the 3yo dad? As I said, lots to unpick.

EdithBond · 03/04/2026 06:56

Why can’t he get a cab?

Sartre · 03/04/2026 07:06

He sounds lost and completely lacking direction. He needs to figure out what to do with his life. He can’t go on jumping from shit job to shit job spending any money he gets on Louis Tomlinson tickets… Of course you also shouldn’t be expected to collect him at 2am, he should get a taxi.

canisquaeso · 03/04/2026 07:32

Why can’t he order his own Uber?

DD travels a lot and books her own transportation to and from the airport.

allthingsinmoderation · 03/04/2026 07:36

What would happen if you said to your adult son,its inconvenient for me to do a 50 min round trip at 1.55 am when ive got young children at home and you seem unappreciative it would be better for both of us if you get a taxi home?
You need to have some boundaries with your DS for both your sakes.

beAsensible1 · 03/04/2026 07:40

Ridiculous. Won’t get a job until he sees his favourite artist?

being cheeky after you’ve gotten by him up AND driven him. stop being ridiculous he is old enough to sort a cab to the coach station. He is an adult.

he needs to get a job and find a house share. He isn’t in education so he doesn’t need to stay at home if he can’t even be slightly respectful.